Change

I guess change is inevitable and you have to move on to new stages in life eventually... but I find myself torn. I'm happy with everything in my life now - sort of. I just realized I have like no friends left and I don't know where they all went. I guess I go so involved with my own life that everyone moved on with thiers and all we have now are memories. I don't get it. I know I'm important to Dima but am I really that unimportant to everyone else I used to share my life with? That they don't need to talk to me or see me anymore.
I guess I've been contemplating friendships a lot. I've realized more and more how much I miss Linds but I feel like she's moved on to better things. I texted her and wrote her a message on facebook with no responses so I figure I should just let it go - why be over eager. ... Why? Because she was my best friend and I managed to be so self consumed and stupid that I lost her. I was reading my old journal the other day and it said so much about us and our plans for the future and now we don't even talk.
Now that mom and dad moved to Bracebridge I'm like never in Oakville - and I really, really miss those friends. I know they're back at school and back to those worlds but I didn't even get the Thanksgiving fix - yah know? The couple of nights spent together. And I won't get it at Christmas either. I miss those people who can know what I'm thinking or laugh at the typical Em things I've done. They're all gone... and in their place I have this wonderful boyfriend... but that can't be it can it? I can't do everything I need with him - I can't girltalk and spend hours scrapbooking or at Chapters. I can't sit there and remember highschool days with him. I love him so much but I miss the other people who know me best.
It frustrates me to because I've made an effort for him to see his friends. He invites his best bud over when we're together and that's totally fine but I don't have the same opportunities. The other day I suggested going to see one of his friends. I don't know. I know he wouldn't object to it if I went to see them but I have no transportation... and he's shown no interest in meeting them or getting to know them.
And I miss them. And being at their houses and talking to their parents. Like Ash's mom... or Mike's mom and dad... or Heather's parents.
I miss Oakville. and my home.

And so it is

So, high speed at the cottage now... yay!!! So weird to just be able to check my e-mail without the hassle!!
So, loads on my mind as I look at my facebook and see that everyone is graduating and showing pictures of them in their robes with their proud parents just beaming. I just can't help but think what went wrong. I know that I will get to that point eventually, I just don't understand why it didn't work out for me as it should have. If everything had gone according to plan in September I would be starting teacher's college and be a teacher by next spring... and with my references and connections and experience probably have some sort of job by the fall. I just don't understand what went wrong. Everything happens for a reason, right? Am I waiting for something else for now? Or am I just still figuring myself out? I've never been the type to put education above anything else so its obvious why I'm in this boat. I know that I'll get there though, just in my time and at my speed.

I miss my boyfriend (Weird, normally I'd just say baby, but that felt wierd to type) so much. I dunno how but he has the ability to calm me down SO much. Today at work was just ugh. Plain ugh. I'm really frustrated with everything these days and when I'm tired it just all comes out in tears. Mom looked at me today and said she's never seen me look so exhausted... well hello... it's not easy work exactly, when you have to be pleasant, deal with stupid stressors, and be on your feet all day. Anyway, back to my baby, he just can calm me down so easily. He's so sweet and makes me smile just because of the way he says I love you and then says he doesn't like it when I cry. LOL, funny how that actually kind of does fix things a little bit.

I'm backkk :)

I don’t know why I stopped writing on this blog… probably because I ended up coming to the cottage last year and having to deal with dial up. And yes, it’s that bad!! It’s so bad somedays I sit here thinking just horrible thoughts. I close my eyes and count to ten and hope the page has loaded by the time I open them… and I count really slowly. Most of the time its no dice though. I guess it’s better than nothing. Although… I did start writing this blog in a word document because bloody blogger won’t even load yet. Ugh.

I am the biggest over-analyzer, think-way-too-mucher ever. See, I was sitting here feeling pretty happy about things and decided I wanted to restart my blog… and then I start and I start wondering who would care enough about the inner workings of my head to actually read it on a regular basis. I know of two people who did in the past. One of them is currently out of the country and they other one soon will be… so really… who will read this? Maybe I’ll actually put it out there to a few more people and see what happens.

I guess right now I’m going through some interesting changes. I don’t want to say I’m finding me because I’m pretty sure I’ve been pretty confidant in who I am and have been for a while… so I guess I’m just adjusting to life and really working at the happiness thing. I don’t know why its’ been so hard for me to just be happy and comfortable with what my life is. But for some reason it’s been a huge struggle of being incredibly insecure and always doubting anything positive that comes along. I think I’m getting better though…

I was doing this survey thing a few minutes ago and one of the questions was something about who your best friend is and it kind of sucks that I had to stop to think about that. I don’t know. Do you need a best friend to define who you are? Like, you know how you can always tell a bit about someone’s character by looking at who they are friends with… what if they don’t have many, or aren’t even sure who they are anymore? What does that say about someone’s character? I mean I guess if they don’t have many it means that they can take care of themselves and don’t need to rely on a whole bunch of people. But what if they aren’t sure who their true friends are… does that mean they’re confused and mixed up??

Its funny how quickly people you deemed as friends can just sort of become acquaintances. The only people who I feel I can really call my friends… despite my lack of contact with them… are my highschool buddies, and that’s only because we’ve gone through the years of distance and experiences and can still get together and generally it feels like no time has passed. Earlier this year I had a group conversation on MSN with about 5 of my friends from highschool and we were all in different cities, it was pretty cool,… not to mention the fact that even over MSN all the same teasing and joking and everything was still there… it was as though no time had passed and we were just sitting in Dave’s house. I don’t know why but I feel like they know me the best. Same goes with Tristan, another highschool friend, but not from my “group”/OTHS. He and I were chatting on MSN like the beginning of January and I was trying to make all these decisions and he was just throwing thoughts out there and saying things and compliments like he really actually knew who I was. It was so weird, especially after not seeing him for 4 or 5 years. I think I knew who I was in highschool… fundamentally anyway… I most certainly went through a bitch phase, thank god that is over. Anyway, my point is, I think people are pretty quick to call people friends, I think that its takes a lot to actually be a good friend to someone and that quality is way better than quantity.

Hmmm... I also think that when people end up dating people thier best friend tends to drift into the person they are dating because they spend so much time together. Obviously they need their own lifes and their own friends... but when people are dating they rely on each other for a lot of support and that's why I think that person kind of becomes your best friend. Probably one of the reasons a lot of break ups can be so hard.

k, I'mma zonked. Bed time!!

All you need is love

... yes. all you need is love. But not stupid romantic love. I'm officially off that. Yes, off it. I don't see the point. If you have love in your life why bother making sure you have that stupid connection with one person. It's easier to not rely on a sole individual who ends up hurting you just by accident. I was reading over some old, old blogs earlier and I saw one about how lucky I am... because I have so many people in my life who love me. Like SO many. I don't know how I deserve any of it but somehow I do. I have these people who know me and care about me and actually say the words. It hurts, it made me cry last night when Landon's mom said "i love you." It was so incredibly touching. I don't even know how to describe it. Ugh.

ewwwwwwwwwwww

haha. I just re-read my blog and i tend to write SUCH depressing blogs because it's my way of getting out my emotion... it's definitately a journal thing. (wow i just spelt definately so wrong). Anyway! I just don't feel sad like that anymore... not in a bad way but I know I'm fine. My week has been spectacular and there has been few tears. Minus... tuesday? I dunno, but everything is working out really well so yay! I debated deleting that blog because I think its so over the top now but ehn. I think I just might survive. It will remind me not to get in another relationship again because they are stupid. TJ has declared that I have to be single for a while... honestly it was like I was being sentenced to it. It was too funny... and I'm kind of excited to be single... I mean Landon and I finally stopped talking at the beginning of June and then Alex and I got together in July. Not that I wasn't totally happy with Alex, because I really, really was... but there's a lot of stuff that I want to do and it's nice to be alone. Not in a slutty way. I don't know. It's hard to explain. A boyfriend takes a lot more time and energy than you really think. Honestly though I'm just talking it up to myself. Ha ha. I like having a guy to spend my time with and cuddle with and alll that. :) we'll see how life plays out. I'll just try to focus on me for now.

A guy I've known for 10 years asked me to marry him when he found out I was single... haha. Well I think it was more of a joke but he said he'll do the lawyering and I can stay home, raise the kids and spend the money!! Sounds good to me!! Perfect actually ;)

I am going to the Santa Clause Parade with Emmy from the cottage on Sunday and I think Heather as well. Do you even know how pumped I am?!?!?!?!?!? SOOOOOO very excited :)

The worst part

I want to talk about it and get it out but I can't. Because it feels wrong to talk about it when the person who its about doesn't know. So I can't get the words out as much as I want to... ugh.

The best part of breaking up is getting back your stuff.

Ha! Except I'm not giving him back his sweater yet because in a weird way it still manages to comfort me even though it doesn't have the same meaning attached to it.

I hate breaking up. I hate the pain and I hate the hurt. I hate wanting to cry all the time and being on the verge of tears. I cried today when Linds asked me if I wanted to watch a Christmas movie. and then I cried when Vicki played Christmas music.

The worst part is that I don't want this guy to know how I feel. I don't want him to know I cry myself to sleep and wake up and cry. Partly because I know eventually that will pass and partly because I think he's hurting too. And I don't want him to know that I actually care about him this much. That knowing he's on msn and not talking to me makes my heart throb. That knowing I can't kiss him anymore or hug him or hold his hand tears me up inside.

But then I worry that he's doing completely fine. That he doesn't hurt and that maybe he's even happier this way.

And then I hurt because I've been given up on again. That a guy has just let me walk out of his life and away from him again. That I'm replacable and I don't matter. That I didn't make that much of a difference in life... when he made all the difference in mine. He could make my day to a complete 180 an make everything seem okay.

and i think about the memories and it tears my heart up... but I try to think that at least I have those.