something in your voice makes my heart beat fast

This title has nothing to do really with what my post was going to be about - I say was 'cause right now I can barely remember and someone just showed up at my door. Very random. Tonight has been incredibly random. I ran into 3 guys that I used to know, it's just so wierd.
The first I went to school with grade 7 - 11, he's always been a really nice guy and today he proved that they do exist! I was walking through downtown Bracebridge with Maddie and Mique and then I saw a hand wave out a window and a familiar face. Then he kind of stopped his car and was like "Is that Emily Bennett?!" I recognized him immediatly and he pulled his car up pulled abother u-turn (he did when he first saw me) and pulled up and we just kind of chatted. It was really sweet and kind of odd because we were never really friends, just acquaintances.
After that the girls and I continued on our walk and then another guy I used to know pulled a left turn in front of us. It was a guy I used to work with, he's also a sweetie. So we chatted for a while and then the girls and I were on our way again.
We made it home and told my mom the news and she well, lol, didn't really care, just like you might not. So I got ready for bed and into my p.j's and washed my face and all that. Then I decided to post a blog and came downstairs. 5 minutes later Maddie comes downstairs and goes, "Emily, Jon's here." I was like... "Are you shitting me?" Because I didn't think I'd see Jon this summer. Anyway I went upstairs and saw him and he was actually kind of sweet too. He told me I hadn't changed a bit and we chatted a bit more and decided to meet up at the fireworks, he and I have gone to them together... well this will be our 5th year. So he just left and that was that.
All in all a very random day for me. I'm not used to running into one person I know in Bracebridge, let alone 3!

I guess my title has to do with a feeling that I really love to feel. It's just that feeling of crushing on someone or really liking someone.
"Something in your eyes makes me want to lose myself, makes me want to lose myself, in your eyes. Something in your voice makes my heart beat fast, hope this feeling lasts." - Feels Like Home , I'm not sure who is the original singer. I just think it's such a pretty song and that that's such an amazing feeling.
Anyway, with my unexpected visit I lost my point. I guess it's just been a random day!

What a girl wants...

A guy who makes her laugh, a guy who she can trust, and a guy who turns her on. And that none of them know each other! ;)
ha, not really. But sort of, it's just really tricky for a girl to find all those three things in one guy!! And if she does, chances are he's taken.
I got that off a t.v show, the same show that gave me new perspective on tattoos. I've always wanted one, but I've been scared of what I'll think when I'm older. I was watching One Tree Hill and a girl got her boyfriend's number tattooed on her back. One of her friends was telling her how stupid it was and she looked at it from an angle that I had never thought of. She basically said that she loved him now and the feeling was amazing and that even if things didn't work out and they didn't end up together, as long as she could look back at the tattoo and remember how amazing she felt when she got it that it would be okay. So it would serve as a reminder of a good time.
I think I need to do that more. Look at things for what they are and that's that. If a relationship ended why focus on the crap that caused it to end. Just look at all the goodtimes and how happy you are that they happened. Sometimes no matter how hard you try things just won't work out. People will be stubborn and won't see things from other views, values will contrast, things just won't be right. I've decided from now on to stop fighting things that clearly aren't there. I'll just have my memories and that will be that. So there :P

Confusion

My head is spinning,
I'm going to fall,
I'm tired and I'm weak,
I've past the point,
The point of being caught.
I've trapped myself,
In this web of unknown.
Thoughts go through my head,
Nothing makes sense to me.

My surroundings are off,
Everything's unfamiliar,
What led me to this place,
I feel alone and scared.
Who are these people?
I don't even know them.
What happened to the others?
I'm against a wall, lost.
No one's here to save me.

There's a faint light,
Through a long tunnel.
Can I make it that far?
I pull myself together,
Gather all my thoughts.
Then I get back up again.
I start walking forwards,
Leaving it all behind me.
And then I never look back.

Speechless

...but totally not.
I'm so angry and sad at the same time it's crazy. But I freaking give up already. I lost it and I think I've gone crazy. I need a place to vent. I'm sick of drama and stupid stupid antics. I just like to live my life in a laid back manner and take things in stride. I like to forgive in forget and it works well when others do the same. Gosh why does stuff have to be so stupid some times? Why do people have to get so involved?! I just want to have a fun easy going summer but I think that's going to be impossible when the people I care about don't make it so easy. There's always issues that people have and I just don't know why they can't shrug it off. Maybe I've emerged myself into a life where I just shrug too much off as nothing. In fact I'm pretty sure that I've learned to do that. To block away the hurt. Maybe that makes me insensitive to others.
I've been driven to the point of me being a bitch and saying hurtful things to others. And I hate that I was weak enough to let it happen. I just got taken over by hurt/anger. I guess after I block out the hurt I just become a bit bitchy to make it go away.

Apart from today I had a pretty good weekend. Daddy took me to McDonalds for breakfast on saturday, he used to do it all the time. On the way in there were 2 deer infront of the car and he was looking out his window. So I yelled "DADDY! Look deer!!!" I felt like a kid again. It was awesome.

Wierd picture, I'm sure in the camera's face!! But that's me tonight... at midnight! I'm so bored so I'm just playing around! I was babysitting today and kinda got a little burned... not bad though, just my cheeks!! I sure look wierd, but it's the best pic I could take, it's one of those days :).

this is what comes to me at 11:30 at night

Alcoholism is such a scary thing, it’s scary when you’re the alcoholic and it’s scary when you’re the person dealing with the alcoholic. Unless I become an alcoholic at some point in my life I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully understand why some people do it. I mean I understand the dependency but how can someone let it lead to that? What are the factors that drives the person to reach for that bottle everyday? Everyone goes through stress, but not everyone develops a need for alcohol. I suppose this is when all the other factors come into play, like environment and genetics.

I vaguely remember a character in Heartbreak House. I think he was a captain of sorts, but he was always drunk. Not the falling over kind, but a different kind. A kind that I see in some people. The captain was always drinking, and I remember talking about it in class, we had decided that the captain did not drink to be drunk but to be sober. It’s not the easiest concept to grasp, but to me it does make sense. The captain was an incredibly smart man and his judgement and wisdom were never impaired by the alcohol, he only was more stable.

My younger sister has developed this disgust towards alcoholism. She calls anyone who drinks alone an alcoholic. This has me questioning what I would consider an alcoholic. I don’t believe that it’s someone who drinks alone. So I looked it up on the net and found The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism that says that there are 4 main symptoms to alcoholism: cravings, loss of control, physical dependence, and tolerance. The cite also pointed out the differences between alcoholism and alcohol abuse. Alcohol abuse is mainly messing up your responsibilities, physically hurting you or someone else, having legal alcohol problems, or relationships that are hurt because of the drinking. I suppose in some situations the two go hand in hand. But not always. My definition of alcoholism was skewed before, I had it intertwined with alcohol abuse.

To me it appears that the main difference between alcoholism and alcohol abuse is who you’re hurting (with the exception of loss of control, however that doesn’t always entitle hurting others). With alcoholism you only seem to be hurting yourself. However once you get into alcohol abuse then you’re hurting others. So then is it actually so wrong to be an alcoholic? So long as you don’t abuse it?

There’s another factor that has me thinking. What if the alcoholic is only an alcoholic behind people’s back. In other words, besides the people who work at the LCBO the alcoholic doesn’t want anyone to know. That crosses over and turns into alcohol abuse, doesn’t it? Because then if the people who care about the alcoholic find out then they’re hurt and their relationship is hurt.

I also wonder about those same people, the ones who are alcoholics behind their families and friend’s back. How could they ever try to stop drinking? I mean cutting something you have a dependency on out of your life isn’t easy. So how could they do it without the support of others. They would have to be incredibly strong individuals. I guess that’s why meetings like AA exist. But I think if I was ever try to quit something that I was so dependent on I would need all the support I can get.

I suppose I’m just throwing ideas around and trying to piece them together. There’s just so much that I don’t know.

This feeling is so familiar

So, here it comes again, this feeling I feel every summer... It's so distictive. It's just loneliness.


There was a time when I didn't get that up here. In fact the cottage used to be the only place I had a solid group of friends. That ended 5 years ago though. It's so ridiculous and it sucks so much. My best summer ever was when I was 13 years old, crushing on a guy named Al and best friends with a girl who was the biggest flirt I knew. Nicks and I were the only girls and there was 3 or 4 other guys. Dusty, Nick and Al were usually around but Dan, Matt and Jeff came and went. We would have such a blast, Nick and Dusty both had tin boats with 9.9's and we'd boat around and push each other off docks and flirt and laugh. We'd go up to the ridge, have bon fires, prank call each other. It was always so much fun. Nicky's parents got two jet skis and we'd go tubing behind them. She and I had the best record, we very rarely fell off. It was great. And you know what made it all go downhill? A guy. It's bloody pathetic. He was from around here, so I asked Nicky if she knew him. She did and gave me the run down - which I didn't want to hear, only because it was all so negative. We had a fight, it was so horrible. It was May 24 and we were at Al's for fireworks. I got upset and walked into the forest (on my way home). Then I changed my mind and went back, when she saw I was back she muttered "oh so predictable." So I left again. This time I walked the 20 minute walk through the woods in the dark home. I cried the whole way.

My parents got fed up with her, we were always fighting. So they told me they'd had it with the friendship. I was 14 - what was I to say. My parents controlled me. And that was that, I lost my best friend of 12 years.

You know what happened with the guy? He cheated on me. He was a fucking creep - and she was right. All he wanted to do was have sex with me and she had called it. So then I was left with no bestfriend or boyfriend. I hate seeing friendships get messed up on account of a new love interest, the more I think about it the more I don't understand it.

The whole point was to state how lonely I am up here! I got sidetracked, I miss my friends in Oakville, I miss my friends at Trent and I miss the people who used to be my friends here.

I've never sat so still before...

Wow, I've never actually sat so incredibly still before. I'm at the library ... Again... And I got a really bad seat that makes the BIGGEST noise at the littlest movement.
Yesterday I got off work, did some stuff around town and was driving home. I got stuck behind a bus which normally would have been kind of frustrating. But the kids at the back of the bus were acting like kids at the back of the bus. They were making peace signs, devil horns and westside signs, as well as that other one where you separate you're fingers 2 on each side... Not sure what's that called. Isn't it from E.T? Anyway, they were doing these signs and I was trying to just ignore them, but I really couldn't, so then I started doing them back and the kids got VERY excited. It was actually really cute. I shouldn't have done it though, the bus driver yelled at them and made them sit down at one point. Anyway, we did the macerana (which is hard while you're driving), did some disco dancing and exchanged some more signs before my turn off. I was laughing pretty hard after. They just reminded me that sometimes you have to let it all go and just relax and be a kid and let yourself laugh! Two years ago a couple of guys taught me the same thing. I'm not sure why I was so uptight, but they made me let go, it was fun. We were in Dairy Queen and we had a war that consisted of throwing little balls of napkins at each other. It's good clean fun, no alcohol involved, and sometimes people just forget that it does actually exist.

Moving on, I only work 2 shifts this week! Which means I could technically come home. Except for the fact I have no money to pay for gas, so in actuality I can't. Plus I haven't even been gone for a week yet!! I'm sure I'm not missed THAT much. Except by K :-P. I finished book 2 yesterday, it was sad. I don't like when they're over. But they finally caught the serial killer and he got hit by a train, so it was a good ending. I started a romance novel, it's actually making me feel a little sick. It's so cheesy, and in the end the little fairy women and the big tough detective with rock hard abs are going to get together. Maybe well I'm here I'll get some better books...

Last night the moon was GORGEOUS. It was a quarter moon and it was right over the lake, which was placid. It really was a picture perfect. Made me think of Laura, so I sent her lots of hugs. She and I have a little thing where we send hugs to the moon and back. It started a long time ago, I was super upset and grounded (? Probably, not sure though!) So she sent me a hug. We've just had it ever since. It's really sweet. The stars were awesome too. It really is beautiful up here.

It's an addiction

Here I am at the library on Monday AGAIN. Actually, my card wouldn't let me on a computer because I was already on today so I stole my mom's computer after she finished with hers.
I went to check on the modems at a different place and found one for 25ish dollars. So I ordered one of those - apparently they aren't as good - but whatever, I'm not looking for high-end equipment, just something to do the trick.
See, the internet... It's my caffeine, or nicotine, or even alcohol. I just can't live without it. I'm not sure when I developed this dependence, but it's pretty bad. I think right now, after mom picks me up - I'll go back to the cottage and make dinner (can't live without my food), then I'll temporarily set the internet up on my sisters computer so I can use it before the modem comes in. Wait, no, that's a bad idea. I should try to live without the internet - it's just that when I'm at the cottage it's my primary means of communication with my friends and without it I feel so alone. All I have are my books. :-P
I don't like days off. It gives me too much time to think. I don't want to think about anything lately, all it does is make things more difficult. I'm looking forward to work tomorrow, even if I have to wake up at 5:30 so I can be there by 6:30 - *shudders* They better not make me do the onions.
Back to my addiction. I'm not even sure what I do when I use the internet, I'm on msn, but half the time I'm not talking to anyone, it's like I have this strange comfort of being online. Then I just play games or surf the net. But for some reason the gaming playing just doesn't feel the same as it does when I'm on MSN. Then, I presume that my addiction isn't directly to the internet but to MSN. However, that doesn't seem completely plausible because after I go on the library computers, which don't have MSN my addiction still feels satisfied. Weird. Maybe I'm more complicated than I thought. I can't even figure me out.

It's like I don't even know you

The oddest thing happened to me last night. I was talking to a guy I dated for like 3 years and I decided to ask him some questions and see how well he actually did know me. The first thing I asked him was what was my older sisters name. It didn't surprise me much when he didn't know. I had to throw random names out there before he finally guessed the right one. He's met her on numerous occasions. It made me angry. I'm not sure what to think. Did he just ignore me when we were talking? Or is he just incredibly forgetful? It just doesn't seem to make sense to me, how can you date someone for 3 years and not know something so basic. After that question I asked him a whole bunch more, some of which he got right, some of which he didn't. Then he asked me some questions - and to my surprise I didn't even know the answers to half of them. However I did know the family ones!! But he asked me about his favorite book. I honestly didn't know he had one. He's never told me he's in the middle of a good book, or that he finished one. The only thing I've ever seen him read is a car magazine!
I guess it just astonishes me that I invested so much time into a relationship with a guy who I actually don't know much about. It makes sense when I think about it. Whenever he and I go out to dinner or even just drive somewhere we never really have much to talk about. I guess that's just because we don't know anything about each other.
I wonder how it happened because at the beginning of our relationship we always had so much to talk about. Stories to tell each other and everything. I suppose after a while we just stopped talking and started to drift more than we really noticed. But I think he and I have turned into two very different people than we were when we started dating and that we don't even know each other anymore. It doesn't even bother me. You'd think it would, that I'd be upset that this person I care so much about doesn't know me. But it doesn't, it doesn't phase me.

Giddiness

Wow, I'm not sure I've ever been quite so hyper... And I'm in a library so I have to keep it bottled in. It's so quiet here...
I just read an e-mail K sent to me and it made me laugh really loud. She's so funny!
Anyway, so I just went to the computer store to get a modem so that I can get dial up for my computer at the cottage, but apparently they're all like 80 dollars. Which strikes me as odd because I was told that they weren't all that expensive. But whatever. I'm going to check another store and if they don't have them for less than 80 I'm going to cry and then go home.
It's so weird, I actually love my job at Subway. I look forward to working! Except when I have to do the onions. They make me cry SOOO badly, it's kind of sad. I did them in the first hour of my first shift and man, it was bad. I just tell everyone my boss beats me :).
I've only been nervous when I was on the line (at the front) once. That was when a friend of my ex-boyfriend came in. I wasn't sure if he remembered me or not, but he made me SO nervous, I was almost shaking. He gave me a funny smile (not the... 'you're wired' kind, but the 'I think I might know you' kind.) He's cuter than I remember. But a hick, and I've been warned to stay away from those type.
Actually my daddy picked me up from work and I told him about the guy and my dad actually hit my knee. He was like "No." SO I asked why, and he said that he only wanted me to date university guys because he wanted the best for me... Okay dad... I wasn't planning on marrying the guy and that's kind stupid in general!
Thankfully my mom and I have been getting along. For the one day we've been here together. At the cottage she's more relaxed so things just flow better. She's also going to be away all next week so that gives me something to look forward too!
I've already read a whole book since I got here. I love reading, especially at the cottage. Now since I'm at the library I better go get some books.

Same old, same old.

Here I am again, another summer ... Sitting in the Bracebridge Public Library so I can use the internet. As much as I hate being dragged away from my life at home every summer, there's a certain charm that my cottage and the surrounding area has that keeps me coming back. It's just a really laid back and relaxing place to be. (If you take my mom out of it anyway :-P)
Today I started my new job! It's at Subway and was pretty good actually. I was surprised at how well I functioned despite my 3 hours (if that) of sleep the night before! It kept me really busy and that was nice. My legs hurt though - I'm not exactly used to 8 hours of standing!! Apparently I caught on really fast and had a good first day... Once again... Weird seeing as I had 3 hours of sketchy sleep! I couldn't sleep at home really well or in the car. I just kind of dosed. How I'm awake right now, I'm not sure!
Wow... I've never seen the backs of new computers until now (there are some across from me...) Everything is color coded!! That's so crazy. It's kind pretty too :-P
Sitting here I'm starting to wonder what this summer will actually bring. Will it just be another summer at the cottage, or will it be a good summer full of memories. It's so hard to say, right now I just see constant work and my friends all being 2 hours away. I'm sure I just need to twist my view of things and think more positively, maybe then I'll actually have a great summer.
This whole post has been a little on the random side... But hey, I'm a random kinda girl.

No man is worth your tears...

... And the one who is won't make you cry.
I wish that was true. I am so naive but I hope one day I find that guy who's not going to make me cry. It just seems as if they all do. I mean maybe I'm a little sensitive. It just seems that any guy I've ever been with has made me cry at least once. Some of them don't even seem to care.
I was watching a movie yesterday, I can't remember what it was. But the couple were in bed and they had a fight and rolled over and went to sleep. Then the girl started crying, and the guy just felt really bad and he reached over and he hugged her and they sorted through it. I mean if a guy ever does make me cry again I'm going to hope that he's there to make it better after.
I'm so sick of the games that couples play, it really upsets me. Why can't it just be good and old fashion. Boy likes girl, boy asks girl out, boy and girl are happy and go steady. Nowadays it just seems like there's so much drama.
I actually recently found a guy who I really liked, that's kind rare for me. I don't usually crush this hard on guys. Of course it didn't work out for whatever reason and I just can't seem to get over that. I've gone psychotic, it's so weird for me to feel this. I guess it goes with an earlier post of me having no control. I just don't and it's driving me up the wall. I just have to forget about it I guess but I'm having the hardest time.
I'm going to head to bed and hopefully I'll dream of my prince charming saving me while riding his white stallion.

The sun will come out tomorrow

One of the things I've noticed throughout my life is that friends come and go, for whatever reason really. I've had a few bestfriends, unfortunately none that I can say have been forever. The closest I had was a girl named Nicole, we were bestfriends for about 12 years. Then it all went downhill, my parents made the executive decision. I was heartbroken and cried for a long time. But I survived, I'd probably be a completely different person if she and I had stayed friends.

At that point in time there was another girl around who ended up being a pretty good friend. I don't think I've ever given her enough credit - and she and I have definitely gone through rough patches. In the end I hope she knows I do care about her. She and I have a well known song that we remind each other of when times aren't so good. It's refreshing because even if we haven't been talking for a while she'll IM me and just say "The sun will come out tomorrow." I'm pretty sure that's a true friend. Someone who will try to cheer you up - even if they hate your guts at that point in time :-P.

There's one thing that really bothers me about people who are "friends." The reason I add quotations is because well, they really aren't your true friends. I'm talking about the type of people who will be there on the sunny days, but disappear when the rain comes. I've had my fair share of them, they only want to be around for the laughs and the good times. In the end all I can really do is shrug it off and let it go, but it's just so frustrating.

I try to be the type of friend who is there on the sunny and rainy days but I'm sure there are times where I've failed. No one is perfect. I guess from now on I'll turn over a new leaf and try to be there no matter what the case.

I guess my advice to people who have friends who aren't there when you need them the most is to just ditch them. You deserve better than that. You can't have a friend who's only going to be there when you're already happy. Then there's no one to bring you back up out of the hole. So screw 'em!

I might get discovered....

I started this thing a few days ago after reading a friend's of mine. I didn't really expect my friends to read it, mostly because I didn't actually tell any of them that I made one! It was just a place to post my random thoughts - I'm pretty sure that's why one makes a blog anyway! Then I commented on another friends blog - and I might get discovered now, I should have done it anonymously, but I wasn't thinking. That or subconsciously I want to be found. Either way now the secret is out ;).
I think I mainly didn't want them to know because I've always had issues with people I know reading my writing. It doesn't really matter what it is, but I've always hated having people proofread my work. I used to have this friend who would ALWAYS want to read my journal and it drove me crazy for 2 reasons. 1, because there was stuff about her in there :P and 2, because I've always been self conscious of all my little errors, spelling or grammatical.
Maybe I feel like I'm being judged when my writing is being read. I'm not sure, but whatever you do, when you read my blogs don't expect perfect grammar and spelling, or any amazing writing, I just found this as a way to express myself. So here I go.

Work with me here, I'm just trying to figure out this whole picture thing!!! This pic. is of Sonja, me and Melissa. One day we went on this long walk at school and ended up on this random rock and just took pictures. It was good clean fun!  

I have no control (bit of a rant)

God, things lately have just been making me want to scream. I honestly don't have control over anything anymore. Nothing. It's driving me up the wall. I think a big part of it is because I'm living at home again. At first it wasn't so bad, it was kinda of nice to be home, then... It just all went to hell. I started working for my dad, which wasn't so bad. Minus the 5AM mornings and working in a warehouse wasting potential. Then my mother left us all and went to Mexico for a week and a bit. That was alright, no more 5AM mornings, just looking after Maddie. You'd think that would be easy, but like most of us, she has some very unpleasant moments, and as family I get to be exposed to them all!!!
So then I started working less, which meant less money. Then my mom came back, but with the adjustment of weather she caught a really nasty virus. She was out of commission, and once again I was looking after the spoiled brat. Finally she got better and I was able to get back to those 5AM mornings. I did that for a few days, but I couldn't stand the work - I'm pathetic, I know. It doesn't matter much because my mom had surgery!! So once again she was bed ridden and I was left to look after EVERYTHING else. You really don't think it's hard, until your in her shoes. Looking after a 15 year old isn't all that easy sometimes. I got really frustrated one day and told her that if I had wanted children already I would have had them, but I clearly wasn't ready.
Anyway, that leads to about where I am now, and don't get me wrong, that's not all that I don't have control over. There's a ton more. I also go to my cottage for 2 months, I've done it every summer and I love it up there. But I wish I could just spend the summer with my friends sometimes. Then of course there's friendships I don't have control over, I don't even want to get into those.
Maybe I'm a bit of a control freak... Wait... Yes, yes I am. I love to be in control. Lately I haven't been and I think that's actually drove me to the psychotic point. Fortunately few are actually exposed to that side of me. ;) It's alright though because in 75 days I will reclaim my freedom.

all or nothing

I find, especially lately, that absolutely everything has this all or nothing theme. It drives me crazy. I just don't understand why the good and the bad can't come at the same time and balance each other. It always seems to me that the good comes all at once. Then I have an AMAZING week, and it's totally awesome. Then the next week comes and enough stuff can't just mess up! And absolutely everything wants to just fall apart. If I had it my way I would rather have a bit of both happen each week, then I wouldn't ever have those horrible days where I just want my hole buddy. Although, If I look at it from another angle... then I would never have those days where I was walking on a cloud. I'm not so sure I'd like to give them up. Maybe after thinking about it the good days are worth all those bad ones.