Dreams

How messed up is this? Last night I dreamt about someone who hurt me, and in my dream he did the exact same thing?! How twisted is that? Aren't dreams suppose to be positive things, that was more like a nightmare, it even woke me up...crying! How horrible is that? I've always gone with the whole Cinderella thing "A dream is a wish your heart makes!" Well I do wish that I could have experienced what I was experiencing at the beginning of the dream, I really don't wish to experience the aftermath again! Maybe it was a warning.
Dreams are so weird. People are always saying that they have to do with your subconscious and all that, I wish there was a sure fire way to read them. Not something that might me right or might be wrong, but something that is reliable. That can just tell you what you actually think or what they actually mean. It would make life so much more easy!
Maybe I should start recording my dreams and see if there's a constant pattern or something. That'd be kind of cool.

On to other types of dreams!

I started my 5 day placement in elementary school on Monday. It's so awesome and completely reminded me why I wanted to become a teacher. I can't wait to graduate and get to do this every single day. I started off with a grade 2 class and I'm switching over to grade 1 tomorrow. My patience with this kids astounds me. Give me my mom, or sister, friends having a problem with something I am so short with them. Give me a kid asking me how to spell something and I'm so patient. They say the cutest things and do the cutest things! This morning on annoucements "I feel good" was playing and the kids were singing along, it's so adorable. They want to tell you everything too. They just talk and talk. So do I mind you!
I don't know if I'll ever get used to being called Ms. Bennett. It makes me feel so important or something. The kids are just so cute. Some kids from grade 4 gave me a tour of the school and now whenever they see me in the hall way they always call out "Hello Ms Bennett!!" It's so cute. Usually I'm on my way to the staff room... that's right, cause I eat in the teachers louge. They've got leather couches! Very comfy!
You learn so much from these placements, it's insane. So many different activities and lessons, and then so many different methods of treating the class. It's super. It is so much more productive than the stupid classes with Prof. Laframboise! He talks about crap and keeps talking about salary. I honestly don't care about my salary, this job to me is all about the satisfaction of teaching people stuff. I didn't become a teacher for money, if that's what I wanted I would have just married rich! Which I'll probably do anyway, at least the first 2 times!
Kidding. Totally kidding. I want to marry once and for love. However, it's not easy to make me love you, I've got pretty high standards! Says some, but. when I lower them I end up dating homeless 25 year olds. So I think I'll risk it with them high!

well, i've been taking meds to get me to sleep. I can't sleep in this damn bed. I don't know what it is but it's just not doable. Anyway, the meds are kicking in and I'm starting to squint!

Amazing

That reminds me of that song.... Amazed.. by Lonestar. Just something that randomly popped into my head. Afteral, I'm a random person. Apparently I use the word random a lot.
So I think that there are 2 people who actually read this :-P But I'm going to keep writing because for some reason it's therapeutic. Kind of like coloring.
Isn't life wicked? I think so... And I'm not just saying that.
I'm trying to be a happier person, see recently 2 of my very closest friends told me/agreed with me that I was a more happier person when I was dating or had a boyfriend. At first I'll admit I was pretty upset, brought to tears twice. I was going to waste time being mad then another friend told me that they didn't do anything wrong and that friends are there to tell you the truth and be honest with you. So I decided instead of investing my energy in being angry with them and further my "unhappiness" that I would convert the energy to positive energy and try to just be a happy person. I can't say much for today, it's been a bit of a write off, I had a midterm and worked out, other then that I have no idea what happened with my day. But it hasn't been really sad.
One of the girls who claimed I wasn't as happy a person when I was single told me I could call her anytime when I was crying. But see, then she'd know I was crying and I have to be happy (ie., hide from them that I cry at all :-P) Kidding. It was a very sweet jesture on her part, but I don't plan on crying again any time soon. It's just so blah.
I've been trying to figure myself out, but I really can't come up with anything. One of the things that I did come up with was something about having everything but nothing at the same time. You know, the little rich girl who has all the physical stuff you can imagine, but when it comes to emotion is just screwed up. That's not me though, first off I don't have EVERYTHING. I have a lot, but not everything. Secondly, I've been surrounded by love my whole life. My mom's always loved me and shown that she loves me, my dad has in his own ways too I guess. I have friends who love me. I just don't have a boyfriend who loves me. Which shouldn't be important, and it's not, just I guess hard after 3 years of having one.
"For the girl who have everything I give you love" I can't think of who sings that song... I think it's Nsync... like oldschool Nsync.

You know you first big burn? Relationship wise...you know the one big heartbreak that changes you forever. Or something dramatic like that? I see it in a lot of my friends, some relationship that ended and changed them a lot. I don't know if I've had mine. But I know that I caused one. I hate that I did it to. Imagine taking an incredibly sweet guy and manipulating him and using him and then changing him into a grouchy old jerk. There were other factors that aided in the grouchy old jerk. But I know that I had/have a huge effect on how he treats girls now. I don't think he's as sweet as he once was. I screwed that up for him and for other girls. What was I thinking? How could I have thrown someone's feelings around like that? It's just so horrible to look back on it. I'm not sure I like the fact that I've done that to someone but I've never had it done to me. An eye for an eye afteral. I've had my share of hurt though just not like that.

I think I've blocked most of it out because I can't remember when I put my mind to it. I've been cheated on, it didn't hurt though, I suppose at the time it did a little. But I don't feel pain looking back. I've been used. That does sting a little, maybe it's because I've never used someone, well in the same way. I don't think I've ever had my heartbroken, it's been torn though and the amount that that kills is insane. I don't think I ever want to open up like that again if that's what happens.


Have you ever had a really intense passion with someone? You know that whole look in the eyes and quiver thing? The fireworks in the kiss, all that? I'm not sure if I've had it or if I dreamt it. LOL, it's been so long that I can't remember if it actually happened or if I've made the memory to be like that. I don't really want to know, the memory is a good one, whether it happened that way or not.

This whole one night stand business. Is something wrong with me if I can't do that?!?! I haven't tried in a while, but I just don't find that it compares. Partly because I'm not comfortable. I suppose there's suppose to be a certain level of drunkness before it happens, with a lack of that it might effect the whole business. But I don't get it, cause I've had the chance and I haven't been able to follow through. I think I'd prefer to just stay a little more innocent. I was watching Sex in the City today and Aidan was on it, it was with him and Carrie and the beginning of their romance, it was so funny because they hadn't had sex in like 10 days and Carrie was beginning to worry that they were going to just be friends. Then he told her that he had had sex on the first night and that he was still single. So clearly that didn't work, then he said he'd rather care about the person he was going to have sex with. How sweet is that? I think sweetness and romance like that is hot. Not enough guys do it though. Probably because society and most women give off the impression that the whole bad boy asshole thing is hot. But really... what's hot about being used? Or sleeping with a guy and being the 100th person on his list?

Well, actually, it's not even society and women giving off the impression. It's that most guys are sweet at first. Then some girl takes their heart and stomps on it and they never want to have to go through that again. I guess it's just a vicious cycle.

I wish life were like a movie...

I'm really good at predicting movies, I always know what comes next. Ask Lindsay (my roomie) it must bug the hell out of her. But life's not like the movies so I don't get to know what comes next. I don't even know what's going on right now. I don't even really know me.

What do I like? What do I believe in? I have a vague idea... but I really don't have any pastimes. My beliefs stem from my parents, though I do form a lot of my own. Somebody recently asked what I do, not for a living, but in my free time. It's not that I don't have any free time, because I do, well really I should be studying, but I find time to sit and do nothing. Why don't I have any hobbies? Sure I like crafts, but why isn't there something that I excel in. There's not even a certain subject in school I'm really good at. Which is why I want to teach elementary school, so I get to teach a taste of everything. In my free time I don't do anything substantial. I shop, bake, play games, watch t.v, talk to friends. But I don't do anything like sports, or anything like that. I used to take ballet... but well, my grade 2 I felt I didn't fit in for whatever reason. I used to sing... but that also stopped because I left Appleby.

I really never EVER thought that I would say this... but Appleby was a good thing. I never EVER wanted to hear those words come out of my mouth. But there were aspects, just aspects, of Appleby that did improve me. Appleby forced you to be active and pursue your interests. I can't say that of anywhere else. I mean look at the 3 years of highschool I put in there, I was on a softball team, in three different choirs, in performances, worked backstage on a play, was in some plays, was in some club called CAGIS, volunteered at public schools, tutored, and some stuff I can't even think of. That doesn't even include grade 7 and 8. Plus... add a pretty heavy courseload onto that, we took around 9 or 10 courses a year.

Now look at me. It's not like I sit on my ass and do nothing, I'm involved. But I feel so isolated. At night I sit here and think and for some reason I can't stop feeling so alone. Alone and depressed. I don't really understand because I have amazing days with friends and other stuff. It's nights like these where I call friends crying or e-mail them asking for help. I don't even know why I say I need it. Maybe I just crave the attention. But I get attention. Everything is so scattered and random. I wish I could figure it all out, but it feels like my brain has been scrammbled.

Come to think of it actually, I was pretty depressed... I've been pretty depressed. Well, depressed is a really stong word. But there's been something. Night time has always made me cry. I'm not talking every night, but a lot of the time it does. I'm usually a-ok during the day! It's like some nights I just want to cry. I remember when I was dating Landon I used to pick fights with him just to cry. Well, not just to cry, but for some reason, like I wanted to feel bad for something. Nowadays I don't need to pick fights with anyone, I can just channel other problems. I wish I could figure it out though, why I feel this way and why I want to cry at night. Maybe it's just to let it all out.

Night sucks, it's so wierd. Sometimes crying helps me get to sleep, it just does. Other times I just don't want to sleep because I'm scared I'll think and then cry. How fucked up?! I'm definetly wierd. That or just a growing girl with wacko hormones who doesn't know how to control them. I think i'd rather be the latter. Although, I wouldn't be nearly as fun if I wasn't a little weird. Just so long as I don't scare anyone. I've never really thought of myself as depressed. Hm, the obvious response would probably be because I'm not. But well sometimes people give me the impression that I am. Or that something is wrong.

My first boyfriend ever broke up with me because I was always contradicting him. Ahh, good old grade 9. I find I contradict lots of stuff, including myself. I think it's because I just don't know where I stand with things. Sometimes I think I've figured it all out and I have a clear mind. Then 2 minutes later I'm thinking everything through again and contradicting everything that pops into my head. Like I'll convince myself that I'm depressed and need a shrink, then I'll convince myself its normal and that I totally don't need to see anyone. Then, I'll be depressed again.

Okay. Now I just sound like a wacko.

Maybe posting all my random thoughts on here isn't such a good idea.

So. It's 2:15am. I'm sitting here listening to Norah Jones typing my feelings, pining over a guy that doesn't know I exist. I've been crying, yet still manage to look incredibly cute in my undies and t-shirt. If this were a movie...

...the guy would be throwing stones at my window asking me to go for a walk. On this walk we'd have amazing conversation and then end the night with an amazing kiss.

OR...

... Norah Jones would keep playing in the background and he'd magically get into my apartment and knock on my bedroom door. Then come in and confess his deep feelings for me (then all of the sudden you'd realise that I was just sitting in candle light) and we'd have an amazing kiss and well, we are in my bedroom ;)

- Except it's a movie so none of this seems half as cheesy as it does written down.

But, life's not like a movie, so I'm just gonna climb into bed and dream some sweet dreams.

So. I don't know where to start with this one, but I'm just going to go for it anyway. Not sure how.
Actually.
I'm just going to spit it out in a sentence or so.
I'm sick of assholes. I don't want to be a freaking object anymore. I want a guy to get to know me, not my body. I would really enjoy having a conversation with a guy without him staring at my chest.
Fuck. Just a little respect would be nice. Haven't had that in a while.

Passion

This morning I actually woke up for my 9am class, it was impressive. Afterwards I even walked home! It only took about an hour and a bit. Anyhow. I had Biology for elementary school teachers this morning. I really do enjoy the class. In fact, I kind of like biology. No, maybe I don't, I just have a teacher who is incredibly passionate about what he does and it makes the course so much more enjoyable.
Passion... a strong emotion, having a lot of enthusiasm for something. There really doesn't seem to be enough of it today. But no matter who has it or what it's directed to it makes things so much more interesting. Take my biology prof. Today we were discussing how earth came to be. He ended up going off on a tangent about conservation biology and how he has to teach a course but he thinks it's ridiciolous because people are all oh save the whales even though they've only been around for a fraction of the time other life's been around for, species die and new ones come it's the way it goes. (He said it a lot better than I ever could mind you!) It was one of the most interesting lectures I've ever heard. Not because I found the content so inviting but because my prof cared so much about what he was talking about, there was so much umph behind him. I usually take notes in my classes but I found myself just watching and listening him, I couldn't take my eyes off him, he's was just so into it. It's captivating.
On the opposite side of the spectrum there's my con-ed prof. He's horrible. What was Queen's thinking sending him to be their spokesperson? He has to be the most boring person I've ever heard speak. He doesn't have passion about the subject and his voice is so monotone. It's mind numbing. In my opinion he's had tons of amazing experiences, he's taught schools, been a princple, been a super, taught at Universities. You'd think he'd care a little bit about what he was doing. But as far as I know he's just done it for the sake of it. He has never once made me think... "okay this is why I want to be a teacher," In fact he has me wondering if that's what I even want!! Not if I'm going to be as boring as him. I'd rather be a biologist.

First Kiss

Last night Linds and I went on a long walk and we started talking about all the first kisses that we've experienced. Some good, some bad, some heartstoppers. My little sister had her first kiss last night!! I think she'll kill me because I'm telling the whole world but I'm just so happy for her. She deserves it! She's 16, so cute! Anyway she made out with a guy who she likes, they were both a little intoxicated though so she wasn't sure if it meant anything to him. Well, he e-mailed the day after and told her he liked her so it's all good. I can't wait to see what happens next! I remember those days, I talk about them like they're over. It just seems so different now. You don't even really have to like a guy to kiss him, you just have to be in the right mood. As Linds and I discussed last night, it's SO much better when there are feelings involve. It just ups the passion.

I remember my first kiss, it was grade 9 and I was on a field trip in Sudbury. It really wasn't anything special, and it was crazy because all the other kids and teachers knew about it. But it was cute and I still remember it. We were in a stair well, everyone else was taking the elevators and they were so crowded so we decided just to walk. I guess we knew it would happen! Other than that there are only a couple of kisses that really stand out in my mind. I would say they were comparable to Ross and Rachel's first kiss. The hands and the built up passion, ya that. Gosh it was amazing. If I hadn't been sitting down it would have been a definite foot pop! It's weird to think that I think that the kiss was so amazing and the other person might not even remember it happening. There's another kiss I think I'll always remember and that's because such a big deal was made out of it. Apparently me just standing there was me asking for a kiss. I wasn't aware that that's all it took!

I love that moment. You know, when you're really close to someone you like and all you have to do is look at them in a certain way, or tilt your head to a certain angle and then bam! It happens. The anticipation of that is so amazing. Come to think of it that's got to be so much more fulfilling than getting drunk and making out with the first person you see.

Did you ever think you were in love? Then totally realise you weren't? I just remember in grade 9 saying I love you to guys, it was so fast. Such bull shit. Really I think anytime I've actually said I love you I've meant I like you a lot. In grade 9 I totally thought I was in love with this one guy, then I met someone else and totally fell in love with them, and then again, and again. Each time the feeling got stronger and I wondered how I could have thought I was in love with the previous person when the next one was so much more wonderful. I just wonder if life is ever actually like the movies. That you meet "the one" and you just know. Or I would totally love it if I fell in love with my bestfriend, like Chandler and Monica. (I am totally living through Friends lately). Imagine being in love with the person who knows you best and you could talk about anything with. That would be perfect. Right now my only problem is that my bestfriends are girls. Not really my thing!

You know, "Love is actually all around"