I wish life were like a movie...

I'm really good at predicting movies, I always know what comes next. Ask Lindsay (my roomie) it must bug the hell out of her. But life's not like the movies so I don't get to know what comes next. I don't even know what's going on right now. I don't even really know me.

What do I like? What do I believe in? I have a vague idea... but I really don't have any pastimes. My beliefs stem from my parents, though I do form a lot of my own. Somebody recently asked what I do, not for a living, but in my free time. It's not that I don't have any free time, because I do, well really I should be studying, but I find time to sit and do nothing. Why don't I have any hobbies? Sure I like crafts, but why isn't there something that I excel in. There's not even a certain subject in school I'm really good at. Which is why I want to teach elementary school, so I get to teach a taste of everything. In my free time I don't do anything substantial. I shop, bake, play games, watch t.v, talk to friends. But I don't do anything like sports, or anything like that. I used to take ballet... but well, my grade 2 I felt I didn't fit in for whatever reason. I used to sing... but that also stopped because I left Appleby.

I really never EVER thought that I would say this... but Appleby was a good thing. I never EVER wanted to hear those words come out of my mouth. But there were aspects, just aspects, of Appleby that did improve me. Appleby forced you to be active and pursue your interests. I can't say that of anywhere else. I mean look at the 3 years of highschool I put in there, I was on a softball team, in three different choirs, in performances, worked backstage on a play, was in some plays, was in some club called CAGIS, volunteered at public schools, tutored, and some stuff I can't even think of. That doesn't even include grade 7 and 8. Plus... add a pretty heavy courseload onto that, we took around 9 or 10 courses a year.

Now look at me. It's not like I sit on my ass and do nothing, I'm involved. But I feel so isolated. At night I sit here and think and for some reason I can't stop feeling so alone. Alone and depressed. I don't really understand because I have amazing days with friends and other stuff. It's nights like these where I call friends crying or e-mail them asking for help. I don't even know why I say I need it. Maybe I just crave the attention. But I get attention. Everything is so scattered and random. I wish I could figure it all out, but it feels like my brain has been scrammbled.

Come to think of it actually, I was pretty depressed... I've been pretty depressed. Well, depressed is a really stong word. But there's been something. Night time has always made me cry. I'm not talking every night, but a lot of the time it does. I'm usually a-ok during the day! It's like some nights I just want to cry. I remember when I was dating Landon I used to pick fights with him just to cry. Well, not just to cry, but for some reason, like I wanted to feel bad for something. Nowadays I don't need to pick fights with anyone, I can just channel other problems. I wish I could figure it out though, why I feel this way and why I want to cry at night. Maybe it's just to let it all out.

Night sucks, it's so wierd. Sometimes crying helps me get to sleep, it just does. Other times I just don't want to sleep because I'm scared I'll think and then cry. How fucked up?! I'm definetly wierd. That or just a growing girl with wacko hormones who doesn't know how to control them. I think i'd rather be the latter. Although, I wouldn't be nearly as fun if I wasn't a little weird. Just so long as I don't scare anyone. I've never really thought of myself as depressed. Hm, the obvious response would probably be because I'm not. But well sometimes people give me the impression that I am. Or that something is wrong.

My first boyfriend ever broke up with me because I was always contradicting him. Ahh, good old grade 9. I find I contradict lots of stuff, including myself. I think it's because I just don't know where I stand with things. Sometimes I think I've figured it all out and I have a clear mind. Then 2 minutes later I'm thinking everything through again and contradicting everything that pops into my head. Like I'll convince myself that I'm depressed and need a shrink, then I'll convince myself its normal and that I totally don't need to see anyone. Then, I'll be depressed again.

Okay. Now I just sound like a wacko.

Maybe posting all my random thoughts on here isn't such a good idea.

So. It's 2:15am. I'm sitting here listening to Norah Jones typing my feelings, pining over a guy that doesn't know I exist. I've been crying, yet still manage to look incredibly cute in my undies and t-shirt. If this were a movie...

...the guy would be throwing stones at my window asking me to go for a walk. On this walk we'd have amazing conversation and then end the night with an amazing kiss.

OR...

... Norah Jones would keep playing in the background and he'd magically get into my apartment and knock on my bedroom door. Then come in and confess his deep feelings for me (then all of the sudden you'd realise that I was just sitting in candle light) and we'd have an amazing kiss and well, we are in my bedroom ;)

- Except it's a movie so none of this seems half as cheesy as it does written down.

But, life's not like a movie, so I'm just gonna climb into bed and dream some sweet dreams.