Risk?

So, there's a big complicated story with my relationship with Landon and lately I've been wondering if I should go back out with him. It sounds crazy because clearly it hasn't worked before, but I've never really put the effort in. I guess it depends on your views and whether you believe that you should have to put a lot of effort into a relationship for it to work.
Basically, he loves me. He does, sometimes he lacks respect for me but if I communicated that maybe it could be worked on. We've both hurt each other a lot in the past and well, the past is the past, isn't? One of the problems is that my friend's don't like him. Probably mostly because he's made me cry and therefore must be a jerk. However, there is ONE friend who said that he and I are good together and she's really making me think. She and I have hung out with her boyfriend, me and Landon on a couple of occasions and it's always been fun. She said that he and I seem to fit and that we can relate to each other. I'll agree, nothing feels more comfortable than being in his arms or holding his hands. But do I love that it's comfortable or do I love him? Because in all honesty there are things about him that drive me crazy. Just habits that aren't in sync with mine, I suppose those are mainly differences in being raised. But still, sometimes when we're together I do have a really good time.

So, why am I thinking this? Is it because I'm getting lonely and I just want someone to love me? Part of me thinks it is. I mean when I look at my ideal man, well, he's not really it. I'm into driven, motivated guys who want to achieve something and who have a great passion in their lives. I want a guy who's going to challenge me to think and who's going to be able to hold intellectual conversations with me. I just know that he's not meant for me that way. But do I throw aside the mold? Is that just a dream that might not come true anyway? I know I have so many years ahead to find the right guy but sometimes I feel like it'll never happen. What if he is the right guy I just don't know it right now?

Well, it doesn't really matter because he's having a girl come stay with him for the weekend! It's wierd because it's actually a weekend t
hat I'm in town. I'm here for Maddie, my mom is in Mexico and Madds has 5 carol services and someone needs to attend one for her! I'm taking her out for food tomorrow and it's just nice to hang out with her. Plus someone has to be here to help out Daddy, he can't handle all that driving.

It's wierd to be home, I love it, but I hate it. I prefer to sleep on a couch and my room just doesn't feel right. I can't sleep upstairs because there's just things that happened that I don't want to be reminded of. It's wierd how that happens, I'm a little scared. I really don't know why. There's just something that hurts. It could be that probably 5 couples other than me have had sex in the bed! Or just that its not the bed I sleep in every night so it just doesn't feel comfortable anymore.

Annie came over tonight, it was so nice to see her, she's such a sweetheart! We just talked for the most part. It was really cute because when she came inside my dad stood up and gave her a hug! I guess I've known her since grade 7, our parents are friends and she used to stay up at the cottage with us every summer. I dunno, so we just talked about life and Sarah called and well it was nice to have someone who knows my whole family and all of my life.

I saw my old boss today too. She was so incredibly sweet and I dunno, just amazing. She's known me since my Appleby days and today she told me that I looked so amazing and that I had finally found it for me. She said at Appleby she remembered I was miserable, then when I went to OT things got better a bit, but she said I was just glowing now. Which was kind of nice because I thought I was degressing! I guess it's hard to remember how miserable you actually once were. In all honesty I am happy, I do cry, but I am a happy person. I'm so thrilled to be alive and accomplishing what I am. I can't wait to be a teacher and get on with my life. I'm so lucky to have healthy family and friends and I'm so greatful for it all. Ya, shit happens, but it happens to everyone and it's really all about the way we deal. So I cry, if it makes me feel better fine. Some people have sex with random people, some people eat a lot of chocolate, some exercise like crazy. I cry. It works for me, so ya, just because I'm sad one day doesn't mean that I'm miserable and unhappy, it just means that I'm trying to deal with something so let me deal and then I'll be okay.

Maddie said something that was actually kind of sweet, she said I looked like me. At first I was like well no shit hun, who else would I look like? She said it was my hair because it's back to it's natural color. She said I just reminded her of Emmy and who I used to be. So, hey, maybe I'm getting over this phase I went through and finding me again, I don't know. But whatever, I'm just glad to be experiencing something.

Know all about, about your reputation

I guess this doesn't really have much to do with reputations. Maybe more about judging books by their cover? Possibly not even, I'm just going to start writing. Reputations have been bothering me a little lately. It just seems so weird because from place to place people can have different reputations. I know that for me, at home, well I'm not sure what kind of rep I have to be honest. Here I think it's more of a homebody wild girl. If that makes sense at all! I'm not usually in Peterborough on weekends but I'm still known for some wild, crazy things I've done. In Bracebridge at the cottage (haha, not at Subway) I'm seen totally different. My reputation says I'm responsible, goal oriented, rarely party. My family sees me as a mix of both. Fortunately I don't think I've been labeled anywhere as a slut, maybe as manipulative, but not as a slut.

Actually in Con-Ed on monday we were talking about girl - girl relationships and guy - girl relationships. We were discussing the drastic change that relationships have made, girl - girl relationships are now becoming violent, like some guy - guy relationships are. We were trying to get down to why girl - girl relationships have gotten so vicious. One of the girls said that the relationships were switching around and girls were becoming vicious and guys were talking about each other and being verbally abusive. At this point 2 of the 3 guys in my class looked at each other and mouthed "what the heck is she talking about?" So, clearly she can't be taken seriously. Another girl's theory was that girls have talked about each other, verbally assaulted each other to the max and there is no where else to go now but physical. What does bitch really mean? Slut? Whore? Those words are all desensitized because friends use them all the time. Just walking around you here someone say, "Come on slut we're going to be late." By no means does the person doing the talking think she's a slut, it's just a common word now. Granted when someone you don't know uses the word on you you still feel hurt and insulted but it's not the same as it once was. After discussing girl - girl relationships and how vicious and mean girls were are Prof asked us if girls treated guys the same way. I basically said, "Nope, girls aren't mean to guys, they just manipulate them." And the sad thing is, most of the girls agreed. Girls wrap guys around their fingers all the time just because they can. I'm sure it gets us lots of benefits, but in the end is it really worth it? Seeing as I've been labeled manipulative I'll try my best to explain the after effects.

I still have a lot of growing up to do, but just from growing up the little bit I have over the past while I really do regret the manipulation. It's just crappy, why bribe a guy or offer what you've got just so that he'll drive you somewhere or do something for you. It's not a very healthy relationship. Who wants to be with a manipulator and who wants to be with a push over! I don't believe either side is good to be on. There comes a point in time where the manipulator gets it all shoved in their face and that's just not worth it.

I dunno, I just kind of randomly went with this and put it together.

i suck at titles

I've been thinking about my life and the people around me a lot lately. Not my main friends and my university friends, but my Appleby friends. The girls who can probably best relate to me (besides of course, my hip). When I was at Appleby it was probably the worst place for me at that moment, however, looking back it was incredible. Every morning I had time to talk to the girls who understood me and were going through the same things in their life. I don't even know how to go about saying this or explaining it because it's complicated. Appleby is it's own little world, everyone there lives in their own little world. The parents know everything about each other and everything about everyone. That's the way it goes, it's a huge grapevine of gossip and crazyness. I don't think people on the outside really understand. It's like Desperate Housewives but they don't all live on the same street. Everything on the surface seems so perfect, the families send their children to this school that offers them incredible opportunitites, they live in big beautiful houses, drive amazing cars, have homes away from their real home, go on fabulous trips. People on the outside don't see what really goes on though. I don't believe that there is one family that are as they actually appear. This sounds overly dramatic and right out of a movie, however, it's not. I know firsthand how fucked up it all really is. Any horrible secrets of families are hidden however they all come out eventually.
So, now when I think about my family and all the secrets, which aren't so much secrets from most people I know, I find it easiest to relate to the girls who have similar secrets that can't be solved because people are too scared to confront them.

Life

Sometimes things all come crashing down at once and there really isn't much to do but try to deal with it and move on. That's so hard, so much easier said then done. There's that pain where everything just aches. Your heart feels like it's actually breaking, your tummy aches, and you feel cold inside. Then you just kind of shiver and it all comes crashing down. That's the way it works for me anyway.

"If I cry a little, die a little, at least I know I lived a little" - Haley, One Tree Hill
"Let me feel, I don't care if I break down" - Haley, One Tree Hill

So I'm feeling down right now, but well, there's so many different ways of looking at it. One of the things I keep telling myself is that if I wasn't down now I wouldn't know how awesome being up could be. Another way is the way Haley looks at it, it doesn't matter if I got hurt in the end because I experienced something awesome and that was so worth it. So what if I'm crying right now, I was happy before and I know I'll be happy again. There's just this downtime that I have to deal with. Another quote I like is "Never let the fear of striking out stop you from playing the game." That's from A Cinderella Story! Yup, I'm a loser! However, a quote like that makes me get over certain crap and play the game.

People can tell you stressing over certain things isn't worth it, that you should just get over it. But it's not that easy. Sometimes you have to take the time to deal with the crap and fix yourself before you can move on to other things.

I guess just like everything else it takes time.

What are you suppose to do in some situations? I really wish people would tell me what to say or do over certain things, cause I just don't know how to handle it! It's so confusing. I'm not ready to grow up and be in control of everything. People are always saying that communication is key and that's what relationships need, infact, I just told my little sister that she needed to talk to her boyfriend about something. Then, here I am keeping everything bottled up. It seems that sometimes that's the way it works... but by keeping things bottled up I'm building up all this insane pressure and soon it's just going to explode. Like a shaken can of coke.