Risk?

So, there's a big complicated story with my relationship with Landon and lately I've been wondering if I should go back out with him. It sounds crazy because clearly it hasn't worked before, but I've never really put the effort in. I guess it depends on your views and whether you believe that you should have to put a lot of effort into a relationship for it to work.
Basically, he loves me. He does, sometimes he lacks respect for me but if I communicated that maybe it could be worked on. We've both hurt each other a lot in the past and well, the past is the past, isn't? One of the problems is that my friend's don't like him. Probably mostly because he's made me cry and therefore must be a jerk. However, there is ONE friend who said that he and I are good together and she's really making me think. She and I have hung out with her boyfriend, me and Landon on a couple of occasions and it's always been fun. She said that he and I seem to fit and that we can relate to each other. I'll agree, nothing feels more comfortable than being in his arms or holding his hands. But do I love that it's comfortable or do I love him? Because in all honesty there are things about him that drive me crazy. Just habits that aren't in sync with mine, I suppose those are mainly differences in being raised. But still, sometimes when we're together I do have a really good time.

So, why am I thinking this? Is it because I'm getting lonely and I just want someone to love me? Part of me thinks it is. I mean when I look at my ideal man, well, he's not really it. I'm into driven, motivated guys who want to achieve something and who have a great passion in their lives. I want a guy who's going to challenge me to think and who's going to be able to hold intellectual conversations with me. I just know that he's not meant for me that way. But do I throw aside the mold? Is that just a dream that might not come true anyway? I know I have so many years ahead to find the right guy but sometimes I feel like it'll never happen. What if he is the right guy I just don't know it right now?

Well, it doesn't really matter because he's having a girl come stay with him for the weekend! It's wierd because it's actually a weekend t
hat I'm in town. I'm here for Maddie, my mom is in Mexico and Madds has 5 carol services and someone needs to attend one for her! I'm taking her out for food tomorrow and it's just nice to hang out with her. Plus someone has to be here to help out Daddy, he can't handle all that driving.

It's wierd to be home, I love it, but I hate it. I prefer to sleep on a couch and my room just doesn't feel right. I can't sleep upstairs because there's just things that happened that I don't want to be reminded of. It's wierd how that happens, I'm a little scared. I really don't know why. There's just something that hurts. It could be that probably 5 couples other than me have had sex in the bed! Or just that its not the bed I sleep in every night so it just doesn't feel comfortable anymore.

Annie came over tonight, it was so nice to see her, she's such a sweetheart! We just talked for the most part. It was really cute because when she came inside my dad stood up and gave her a hug! I guess I've known her since grade 7, our parents are friends and she used to stay up at the cottage with us every summer. I dunno, so we just talked about life and Sarah called and well it was nice to have someone who knows my whole family and all of my life.

I saw my old boss today too. She was so incredibly sweet and I dunno, just amazing. She's known me since my Appleby days and today she told me that I looked so amazing and that I had finally found it for me. She said at Appleby she remembered I was miserable, then when I went to OT things got better a bit, but she said I was just glowing now. Which was kind of nice because I thought I was degressing! I guess it's hard to remember how miserable you actually once were. In all honesty I am happy, I do cry, but I am a happy person. I'm so thrilled to be alive and accomplishing what I am. I can't wait to be a teacher and get on with my life. I'm so lucky to have healthy family and friends and I'm so greatful for it all. Ya, shit happens, but it happens to everyone and it's really all about the way we deal. So I cry, if it makes me feel better fine. Some people have sex with random people, some people eat a lot of chocolate, some exercise like crazy. I cry. It works for me, so ya, just because I'm sad one day doesn't mean that I'm miserable and unhappy, it just means that I'm trying to deal with something so let me deal and then I'll be okay.

Maddie said something that was actually kind of sweet, she said I looked like me. At first I was like well no shit hun, who else would I look like? She said it was my hair because it's back to it's natural color. She said I just reminded her of Emmy and who I used to be. So, hey, maybe I'm getting over this phase I went through and finding me again, I don't know. But whatever, I'm just glad to be experiencing something.