Flashbacks

My brother... an interesting character to say the least. I love him so much, I don't know him all that well, but I still love. Not sure if it's for enduring similar things as me or what. But I love him - and it really upsets me when people talk badly about him. Especially my friends, now I can understand that he's an asshole to a lot of my friends but most of the time its because he's protecting me. I don't think he thinks a lot of my friends are good enough for me - he has his reasons. I remember when Landon and I had just started hanging out, I was sneaking out every satuday night and Mike knew it. Landon and I would walk around for hours, just talking and flirting. The first time I ever snuck out Mike was driving some girl home and drove by - gee, coincidence! It was hilarious. He drove by, stopped the car, backed up and rolled down the window. After that incident sometimes when I would sneak out he'd follow me. He never ratted me out, in fact I think sometimes he covered my ass. I'll have to admit, he wasn't a fan of Landon. One weekend my parents were at the cottage and Landon came over. We were in my parents room watching a movie (Mike had a friend over and they were using the main tv). Landon had biked over... this was back in the day! Anyway Landon was going to leave and he went to put on his shoes - they were soaking wet. My brother and his friend (Rager...) had actually drenched his shoes. Poor Landon had to bike home - but he stuck around, despite my brothers jerkiness. I guess he actually did like me. All I can say now - is that Landon and him get along, they talk and everything - it's like Landon earned his place or something. Mike used to be drunk and need a ride and I'd be out with Landon and we'd go pick him up, or we'd drive him places. The point is now they get along and I'm glad!!
I remember way back when, I was probably 6 or something. Maddie and I shared a room and Mike had a room across the hall - it was the middle of the night and I woke up - but my eyes were stuck closed - because of the sleep - I'm not sure how that works, but I couldn't open them. I remember making my way to the bathroom and banging into things and all of the sudden he was there, he guided me to the bathroom and got me a face cloth, and helped.
In highschool some guys didn't like him, for whatever reason - guys can be jerks, we all know it. Anyway there was a rivalry between the two boarding houses at his school - he had gone to see a friend in one of them and basically some jerks from the house ducktaped him up and pushed him down the stairs, as they took pictures. I remember crying when I found out. First off, what the hell is wrong with people that they would do that? Second, what did my brother do to deserve that?
One of the things people should really do is look at people and try to piece together why they act the way they do. Everything has it's reasons, everyone has gone through things that have formed them into the people that they are. People can be so quick to judge. I find a lot of the time people can have a rough exterior - but once you break through it the person is a lot different. I guess sometimes you have to put up a bubble around yourself to protect you from the cruel world.

Growing Up

Recently my child development prof asked us a question that was very thought provoking, it was when/if we experienced a transition from childhood to adulthood. I've been having issues dealing with this the past little while. I know there is no way I'm all grown up, I'm just not there yet. I do have a lot of adult tendencies, but I also have a very childish side.
This weekend I went to Landon's house for the weekend. His family was moving and being my awesome self I was helping them move. Unfortunately I made one big mistake and forgot my cell phone in Peterborough, this mistake made the lying to my parents about my location very difficult. My mom is paranoid and freaks if she hasn't talked to me in 2 days. Sunday morning I checked my messages and there was a message from her saying that if I was in Oakville I should call her and she was getting worried. But it was a lot more condesending and I'm your mother-like. So I called her and left a message saying where I was etc. Now, a lot of people probably wonder why I just don't tell my mom in the first place, however, that doesn't allow me to stay over at Landon's. Landon and I being a couple like that time together, so I just don't tell them, it's easier that way. Plus, I'm an adult now, I should be able to make these decisions. My parent's don't treat me that way, despite the fact that I'm pretty responsible and don't live with them anymore! It's hard to be in University because there's such a shift when you're at school and when you're at home. At school you can stay out as late as you want, or just go out as late as you want. At home there's just a certain code of respect you should follow. So I'm stuck here trying to still respect my parents and not be too pissy when they're invading my privacy but what am I really to do? In some ways I'm still finacially bound to them so I don't feel I can be rude, or insult the way they talk to me or try to still raise me. They still have that hold on me and it drives me crazy!!
My dad wrote me the sweetest message on my birthday card - it said - "I could give you a sermon about growing up - but you don't need it (Except for your messes" It actually brought tears to my eyes because it said SO much more than just that. I know that he sees me that way, it's just my mother who has issues dealing with the fact that I'm not 8 anymore. She's always reminding me of things that I already know. She reminded me to organise the rest of my placement for con-ed. Thanks mom, really, but I am capable of remembering certain things!! This weekend she had a hissy fit because I missed classes on monday. Ya, not such a good thing, but whatever, I'll make up for it.
My parents don't seem to understand this whole concept that I have to make my own mistakes in order to learn. Last semseter I messed up, I was a bum, I was sad, dwelling on my problems, didn't work hard enough - and I got my grades - so hello, I'm working a lot harder this semester. (Haha, I'm on the 2nd week). But I know that I have to pull up my socks or this year.. well, ya. I don't need someone to tell me that!! I know that I messed up and I'm trying to fix it, so let me fix it!! I still have this urge to rebel whenever my mother tries to push something on me - I've always been that kid in my family. No matter what if someone invaded my space, or tried to push something on me I would back away so fast. I guess I've always had that certain degree of independence.
I told my parents this weekend they had to back off and let me make my own mistakes or I would never learn. They actually said it was "bull shit". Um, not to me thanks! I've already learned a lot this year from being on my own and screwing myself over. I know not to waste money on things not really needed, I know to go to class and do the work. I'm learning so gosh darnit just let me!!

If you want the rainbow you have to put up with a little rain!

So, life is going pretty good. No promises or anything, but things are looking up. It just feels like a reminder, if you want the rainbow you have to put up with the rain. I mean if there was no rain how could we actually appreciate the rainbow? Sometimes the bad times are what really make us appreciate the good times. It's like that phrase - you never know what love is until you lose it. Then the next time you get it you appreciate it that much more. Who knows, maybe that's just me! I definately know that sometimes you need that jolt of reality and pain to put everything into a more clear image. If it weren't for the lows the ups wouldn't be half as good!

I think I've lost the ability to sleep. So wierd because I'm not one of those people! I've always been the kind of person who gets that solid 8 hours. Granted there have been the times that I've got like 3 (ahem and then had to work a full 8 hour shift, my first shift at Subway ever!!). But that aside I usually get my sleep. Over the past two weeks my schedule did shift with some pretty late nights but I thought I was in the process of actually shifting it back - you see I wake up earlier and earlier every day and get less and less sleep, figuring that night I'll actually be tired. As soon as my head hits the pillow I'm ready to go party! It's insane. Jeepers, can't sleep when I'm down and apparently I can't sleep when I'm up! I guess that's a sign.

I'm going to spend the weekend with Landon, and his family - they're moving and I'm going to help!! *shudders* Kidding! I want to help, otherwise I wouldn't go down, I'm just not really much of a physical labor kind of gal! But it's exciting to see him, even though it's only been 6 days. I'm trying to think of something to say but I really can't. I do have a lot to say but phrasing it right is different. I feel like my life needs some big changes. Firstly my friends, some are super good and some aren't. Why I hold on to that - I'm not sure, I'm scared to let go? I think being in University and growing up you do lose a lot of your friends and it's only worth keeping the ones who really are worth it. I just feel like there's a lot of people I hang out with that I actually have nothing to talk about with, it's just a group setting. Not many people challenge me intellectually or provoke me to be passionate about anything. I just find that some people are good to go out and get drunk with. I don't really picture doing much more with them! Part of my new years resolution was to become a better person - pretty general, I know! I think that includes being me for real. Well, duh, it does. I've got to give you people a dose of who I really am. Because contrary to popular belief I am smart and I do have a lot of opinions and passion!

Anyway, my point is that I'm singing in the rain, soon... I might be seeing my rainbow!!

In a world where you can be anything... just be yourself!

Today's a good day, I guess... I haven't done much yet - I've got night classes today! Anyway - we've got a new housemate with us for 4 nights a week, she has the pleasure of sleeping on the couch, lucky girl! I feel bad though because I have to walk through the living room to get to the bathroom. My bathroom is near the front door and you have to go through a couple of doors to get there, I guess last night as I was walking there I didn't want to wake Jenn so I must have pulled one of the doors closed behind me. As I was leaving the bathroom I was like - my god, it's dark - so I kept walking - right into the closed door!!! Brilliant move by Clutzy, yet again! No permanent damage done though ;).

I was trying to figure out me today, haha, that's a job that might take a lot longer than a day though, I'm pretty complex! But I was thinking, I love teaching, it's my passion. It's such an incredible job, in my opinion anyway. I know that about me, I know that's what I want to do and I miss teaching when I'm not (as a swimming instructor). Other parts of me are kind of blank. I know that I'm a very emotional person, I know that I like reading murder mysteries, shows like Law and Order, or suspensful movies. But other parts of me are missing, or so they seem. I find that we hang out with certain people because we have for so long but what do we really like to do... like on our own, in our own time. How do we fill it? I don't have many hobbies. I have my scrap book, I play computer games - but I don't think I have much. I know someone who uses his free time looking at cars on the internet, interesting for him. For me that sounds boring, but I don't have something like that... something that I find relaxing and necessary to do. Study? I'll be doing more of that this semester but it still doesn't seem the same. I think I know me, I know who I am and who I want to be, but I think part of it hides somewhere because people aren't used to it. I'm pretty solid in what I believe and my morals. However I don't feel like people know me I feel like who I am is kind of hidden. I don't become something I'm not to fit in with other people, I can't stand people like that, I don't think I've ever been like that. I've always been sort of independant. The more I think about it the more I realise I am independant. I'll walk places alone, I'll sit alone in class. I don't mind, I don't care what people think but there's a part of me that doesn't want to be alone and I think it's conflicting with the other part of me! Too confusing... I just want to be me and be okay being me. Meh, I'll figure this out!

One Year, Six Months Ago

Sew this up with threads of reason and regret
So I will not forget, I will not forget
How this felt one year six months ago I know
I cannont forget, I cannot forget.

I'm falling into memories of you
Things we used to do
Follow me there a beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

I can tell that you don't know me anymore
It's easy to forget sometimes we just forget
being on this raod is anything but sure
Maybe we'll forget I hope we don't forget.

So many nights
Legs tangled tight
Wrap me up in a dream with you
Close up these eyes
Try not to cry
All I got to pull me though
Is memories of you.
~ Yellowcard - One Year, 6 months

I wish I could express myself. I totally suck at writing and sometimes talking is just wacko, probably because I'm pretty ackward. I always say the wrong thing and then I try to fix it and I spin down this spiral correcting everything I say. So lately I've been going with this whole no regrets deal and sometimes I just break and I can't say. There is SO much I regret - the only thing is why dwell on it? That's not going to fix anything. I've messed up in the past and I regret it more than anything, but how is knowing that going to do anything? All it does make me more aware of the fact I'm a fuck up. I don't get how you can deal with the past and move on. Closure, apparently closure is the key. How do you ever get closure after fucking with someone's heart? How do you ever clear your mind from putting someone through such intense pain? How can you feel better after knowing what they've been through? And then going through it? Dealing with the shit you put people through and suffering through it after - I feel like I've gone to hell, I doubt hell could be any worse than this. Sure there are ways I could escape this - but that's a whole different kind of hell. And I'm clueless I don't know what to do. I'm living my life, I'm having a good time, then something strikes me the wrong way and I'm gone, I'm teary eyed and it won't go away. I'm sitting here bawling over a guy who doesn't want to be with me. Everything is telling me to move on and find another fish in that great big sea. But my heart is breaking and not wanting anyone else. How is anyone else going to make me feel the way I feel. This guy said I was a treasure. Why would I want anyone else after that?
So how do I heal? Some people say think of the good times... well that's pretty damn hard. I don't want to think of the good times, it hurts. I don't want to think of the bad times either, cause that hurts too. So what, do I just not think of him at all? Cause I want to. I want to think of the way he watches tv, with his arms crossed and his feet crossed, or the way he used to bring me flowers, or the way he changes his voice when he talks to my parents, the way he's clueless when it comes to manners (sometimes), the way he always tells me when he has a surprise even though he knows I'll push it out of him, or the way he rubs his head into me when I give him something he likes. Just the way he smiles his big smile.
God? Have I turned into one of the girls who just won't give up hope? Cause I don't want to be, I just don't know what to do. All I do know... is next time I get one of those guys, you know who's sweet and who cares, I won't fuck him over and I won't hurt him cause that's got to be my biggest regret ever.

Onto happier things... I'm back in Peterborough and looking forward to starting another semester - should be... fun? I've got to pull up my socks, last semester was a bad one for whatever reason and I've got to improve this one somehow! Maybe studying would be a plus!! I think I might get a job too. Maybe then I'll be able to stop thinking ... Anyway, I'm going to make myself happy this year because I've spent a lot of time being down and it sucks.

I promise my future posts will be happier and not so ranting, I guess you have to let it out someway though.

"Love is for fools wise enough to take a chance."

Something special

So recently I've been told... as corny as this sounds... that I'm a treasure. Or something along those lines. It was actually quite textbook as to what a girl wants to hear. Unfortunately it came from someone who isn't actually ready for the relationship, nevertheless it made me feel... like a treasure. I always knew this person cared about me more than a lot of people and I knew he had feelings for me, but I never knew he respected me and held me in that high of a regard. I was flattered when he said it. I suppose I should have known, but I didn't. It actually brought tears to my eyes because I think it was/is the nicest thing anyone could ever say to me. It had nothing to do with my looks, it was about the feeling that they felt for me. That I must have done something so special for them to think of me as a treasure. I think because the word 'love' is so overused these days that having that person call me a treasure was something completely different and equally as amazing. I dunno, it kind of left me beaming.
The reason that I say it had nothing to do with looks is because SO much is based on a person's looks and for someone to complement what's under my hideous looks, it just felt great! One night stands are always based on looks, be it that you might be tipsy and the looks are improved, they're still based on how the other person looks. Guys always seem to think that a girl wants to be told she's hot, pretty or has a nice smile. But I personally could care less, I would prefer if a guy was like, "Wow, I think you're so nice." {haha, guess maybe if I was nice this might happen?} But don't get me wrong...for all you guys out there, ya girls do care about being told they're pretty, BUT as far as I know... it's just as important to have thier personality complemented. When someone tells me I'm sweet, or funny, or have a cute laugh it feels twice as good as someone telling me I'm hot. Correct me if I'm wrong here...
Anyway, someone thinks I'm a treasure =) so yippee!!

Happy New Year!!

My new year started kind of interestingly, this guy who's been practically my life for a really long time ended all ties with me. It wasn't a bitter thing, it was just probably for the better. I can understand, I mean at that point in time we were on very different pages. I miss him loads and one of the only things I regret is the way I treated him, but hey, it was a learning experience. I'll never treat a guy the same way (negative way, of course!) and I've just learned so much from it. Like one of the most common mistakes people in relationships at this age, or I guess any age make. That mistake is falling so far for the person and spending so much time with them that you kind of lose your own life. It's silly, cause when you fall for each other you do fall for the whole package, then the further you get into it the more you kind of change. What I learned was time spent together was just as important as time spent apart. Just cause you love someone, or even really like them, doesn't mean you have to spend every waking second with them. I also learned that when you have something amazing infront of you, don't give up on it for something that might be amazing. It's not worth the risk, believe me.

Haha, he actually just messaged me and we went and hung out. Kind of random, yes, but I am the queen of randomness. I told him to look at someone's pictures from New Years Eve, then he wanted to see me. So we hung, it was nice cause I was happy and he was happy, an odd combination. I still miss him cause it was clearly different, but good nevertheless.

I really am frowning on relationships right now. I'm going to try to go a whole year without one. Someone once bet me I couldn't last a month without a boyfriend... I owe them 10 dollars. I like the comfort/stability of having someone there. But now instead I'm going to try to deal with not having that and see what happens. I think it might be a good thing, you know, get to know me. I think I'm kind of fun or something. I don't know!!! There are benefits to both - so I'm just going to ride it out.

I'm dancing... I've got music on and it's loud and it's dance worthy. If anyone walked downstairs right now I'd look like the biggest idiot, but it's fun. I love dancing!! So long as the music is loud and fast.

So this New Years Eve was better than the last (last year I was super, super drunk and cried... what a party pooper!!), hopefully that will predict a better year ahead. The last year has been good but a learning experience, so many weird things happening, I've got my resolutions, so here's to a new year!!