One Year, Six Months Ago

Sew this up with threads of reason and regret
So I will not forget, I will not forget
How this felt one year six months ago I know
I cannont forget, I cannot forget.

I'm falling into memories of you
Things we used to do
Follow me there a beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

I can tell that you don't know me anymore
It's easy to forget sometimes we just forget
being on this raod is anything but sure
Maybe we'll forget I hope we don't forget.

So many nights
Legs tangled tight
Wrap me up in a dream with you
Close up these eyes
Try not to cry
All I got to pull me though
Is memories of you.
~ Yellowcard - One Year, 6 months

I wish I could express myself. I totally suck at writing and sometimes talking is just wacko, probably because I'm pretty ackward. I always say the wrong thing and then I try to fix it and I spin down this spiral correcting everything I say. So lately I've been going with this whole no regrets deal and sometimes I just break and I can't say. There is SO much I regret - the only thing is why dwell on it? That's not going to fix anything. I've messed up in the past and I regret it more than anything, but how is knowing that going to do anything? All it does make me more aware of the fact I'm a fuck up. I don't get how you can deal with the past and move on. Closure, apparently closure is the key. How do you ever get closure after fucking with someone's heart? How do you ever clear your mind from putting someone through such intense pain? How can you feel better after knowing what they've been through? And then going through it? Dealing with the shit you put people through and suffering through it after - I feel like I've gone to hell, I doubt hell could be any worse than this. Sure there are ways I could escape this - but that's a whole different kind of hell. And I'm clueless I don't know what to do. I'm living my life, I'm having a good time, then something strikes me the wrong way and I'm gone, I'm teary eyed and it won't go away. I'm sitting here bawling over a guy who doesn't want to be with me. Everything is telling me to move on and find another fish in that great big sea. But my heart is breaking and not wanting anyone else. How is anyone else going to make me feel the way I feel. This guy said I was a treasure. Why would I want anyone else after that?
So how do I heal? Some people say think of the good times... well that's pretty damn hard. I don't want to think of the good times, it hurts. I don't want to think of the bad times either, cause that hurts too. So what, do I just not think of him at all? Cause I want to. I want to think of the way he watches tv, with his arms crossed and his feet crossed, or the way he used to bring me flowers, or the way he changes his voice when he talks to my parents, the way he's clueless when it comes to manners (sometimes), the way he always tells me when he has a surprise even though he knows I'll push it out of him, or the way he rubs his head into me when I give him something he likes. Just the way he smiles his big smile.
God? Have I turned into one of the girls who just won't give up hope? Cause I don't want to be, I just don't know what to do. All I do know... is next time I get one of those guys, you know who's sweet and who cares, I won't fuck him over and I won't hurt him cause that's got to be my biggest regret ever.

Onto happier things... I'm back in Peterborough and looking forward to starting another semester - should be... fun? I've got to pull up my socks, last semester was a bad one for whatever reason and I've got to improve this one somehow! Maybe studying would be a plus!! I think I might get a job too. Maybe then I'll be able to stop thinking ... Anyway, I'm going to make myself happy this year because I've spent a lot of time being down and it sucks.

I promise my future posts will be happier and not so ranting, I guess you have to let it out someway though.

"Love is for fools wise enough to take a chance."