I *heart* my daddy

Wow, my dad, the most amazing guy in the world. Frenchie in Grease says something along the lines of - there's no man in the world a girl can trust, except her daddy -. Financially right now we're all kind of screwed but he's pulling through for me. My parents have always wanted to support me all the way through Univerisity - not spoil me, but pay my bills and manage for me. Today my dad gave me money for next month, and hopefully April 1st he will again - that's the agreement anyway. Then he wants me to save enough money to last through September and October and he'll start giving me money again in November. He even said if I don't work in May or June, so long as I'm doing something productive, ie., volunteering at a school or something, he'll give me money. I guess business is doing better for him to make those assumptions. He even said he's going to pay off my credit line by the time I graduate =). I'm really glad, but I don't want to get too excited because I know money doesn't grow on trees. I'm just so fortunate that I've got parents who are so supportive and want to and are able to be there for me emotionally and financially! Yay mommy and daddy!!

*Sigh* Happy Valentine's Day

Haven't decided whether I totally love the holiday or not - however - I do believe it's an excellent opportunity to tell those you love that you love them.
This year I celebrated V-day twice! Once with Landon on Saturday night and then again at the Sami's on Sunday. A little embarressing actually - I called Mike on Saturday just to say hey - but he wasn't there - that was all! He called me back that night and I was out with Landon so I told him good luck cooking tomorrow and maybe I'd see him the next weekend. Sunday morning Maddie told me we got invited to the Valentine's day dinner at the Sami's. Monique had told her that Mr. Sami thought I was fishing for an invite! OMG HOW EMBARRESSING! If I had been I totally would of been like score, I got invited, ... however I was so embarressed because I had never tried to do that! So that was Sunday night - I went! So did Madds - a Sami dinner is always fun. However I really didn't need to eat that much - oh my goodness - so much food!! Dessert was good though - the little pastries with cream inside - SO GOOD. We had lots of wine - it was good too - actually looking back I had too much. Ithink I did something pretty embarressing. Uh oh.
Anyway, Saturday night with Landon was good - he made me dinner. A roast beef with asparagus in it (I love asparagus) and potatoes. It was a little low on the romance thing - we sat in his kitchen and he actually drank right out of the milk carton. But hey, the thought was there. I'm pmsing so today I called him and I was like "So, getting me a card is on your to do list, right?" ... I just want a card, him to say he loves me, in writing! lol, I'm a visual learner - the auditory part... mmm not so much, I'm a little slow with the tactile too - put it in writing!!! Of course with me on the phone he said "ya of course it's coming!" I called him later to verify what time he needed me to pick him up and he asked, "how important is a card to you?" *SIGH* Then he just asked if he could write a poem or something because he didn't want to spend the money on a blank card, and he didn't want to spend the money on a card that someone else wrote - I said that was even better! so we'll see. I wonder if he'll actually write one... My gift was a hair cut- it sounds wierd, but I needed one really badly - it was so nice to get pampered!

So right- my point. I like the whole romantic idea of Valentine's day -however, I agree that every day you should tell the people you love that you love them - but what's wrong with their being one designated day a year for that. One day that people can count on. Some guys aren't romantic at all, but on this one day a year they put the effort in, why? Because it's commercialized - it's like their pressured into it - which ya, might be crappy and a scam - but it can make someone feel special. And feeling special, even for just one day a year can really be awesome. I just think that Hallmark, the media, everything has given us this one day a year to have everything covered in hearts, to be pink and red and to show the people that you love them - so instead pushing it away because it's not 'real' why can't we embrace it and make it real?

Fucking Appleby and those spoiled kids.

I hate. Let me say that again HATE, what Appleby College has turned into. It has transformed from one of the most respected schools to... still a respected school - but not by me - or many people in my family. What goes on their is bullshit. I'm talking about the teaching and the grades this time. I'm talking about the discipline, or lack thereof.
When I started at Appleby they were strict. Skirts had to be a certain length, shirts HAD to be tucked in, appropriate sweaters must be worn, heel could not be too high, one earing per ear, no other visible piercings/tatoos. Students respected teachers, a teacher walked in the room - the students stood up. The Chapel was treated with respect. Now... even the "prefects" wear "illegal" sweaters. BUT who cares? NO ONE. The school has turned into a country club for rich kids where they just happen to learn enough to get into University. Students now have facial piercings, nose rings and eyebrow rings. Heels, skirts, as high as they want to be. No one says anything more. Why? Because then you'll piss of the kid, which will piss of thier rich daddy which will mean they won't donate as much money.
Or maybe I'm just full of it.
Today my sister told me about an incident in Chapel. Father Lennox actually had to kick students out - he yelled and had to tell them to be quite. The chapel is something that students have to do, it's mandatory. HOWEVER, I do not believe that saying it is not your faith is a viable excuse to not attend. That's bullshit. When you enroll at Appleby you are FULLY aware that it is an Anglican school, the bloody chapel cannot be missed as you pull in. Students attend chapel every day. I do not believe you should attend Appleby if you are not going to respect the chapel and other people's beliefs. It's not like it was hidden from you until you got there and you're being forced to do it. It's clear. Students talk through Chapel, don't respond to prayers, or just don't go - claiming they don't believe in God or it's not their religion. That's bullshit. It's part of the curriculum at Appleby so suck it up. Have a little respect for the parts of the school that do take it seriously. I'm Catholic - I rarely skipped chapel, I sang in the choir and I answered the prayers. Why? Because it was out of respect for the school, and respect for the rest of the community.
Kids today have no respect. None at all.
It makes me sick. It really, really does.

"I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly"

I've had an incredibly crappy week. First there was all the crap I don't want to mention over here. Family stuff, stuff that a lot of people don't know, especially if they haven't been talking to me - or if I haven't been talk to them. Either way. So there's all that that's a huge stressor. If you know me, you know that when I have one problem in a part of my life it usually spills over and affects the rest of my life. I think that's natural and happens to a lot of people. So when I'm already upset with this one stressor some other things already seem some what negative, even if they aren't necessarily. Well there has been a few stressors this week so me wanted to get out of bed ... hasn't really happened. I've let all the negative feelings consume me - and that's when the damage happens. Last night the cable/internet got shut off. Last thing I needed, really. It wasn't so much not having them that got to me - it was that it was my responsibility to pay and now my roomates had to suffer because of my own stupidity/poor money management problems. So I felt incredibly shitty. This morning I found out that all of Peterborough had no cable/internet because of a power outage. That did uplift my spirits - however they were already uplifted. Landon called last night as usual (heaven forbid I talk to my boyfriend) and I was planning on taking an early bus home today. I just wanted to get out of here, end this really crappy week. He would have picked me up - but not without first giving me this tough love lecture. Basically telling me to grow up and stop acting like a baby. I of course whined that I wasn't ready for the real world and being completely on my own. He just said tough 'cause I was already there.
A part of me grew up a lot 2 and a half years ago. I had to deal with a lot of hard stuff that normal 16 year old shouldn't have to do. I've really been affected by that, like hardcore. It's why I get the desire to just lay in bed and let my life go. But of course - I can't do that. Why? Because it would be stupid and there are people who need me.
So after I cried to and at Landon I started to actually think about what he was saying. If I did go home early I'd miss class and fall further behind. Why should I compromise my education - it's already paid for. I need to get through this year and then worry about next year. He almost even told me he was disappointed in me for not doing better this year. I wanted to flip at him, but it's true, I do need to try a lot harder. But it's difficult. A lot more difficult than people think. Being on your own - I'm totally not ready for this. Thankfully I have awesome understanding roomates who will always listen to me vent, I have a boyfriend who will be harsh but honest and hates to see me sad and I have an incredible family who loves me. So maybe it won't be so bad.
My mom called last night and I started crying just about things. She told me not to worry about the petty stuff, to focus on what I have instead of what I'm losing. Then we talked about Landon - he's amazing. He's a real friend, totally devoted, despite the fact that I've hurt him over and over he'll listen to me cry. He listened to me cry over other guys despite the fact he wanted to be with me. He was there and he is still is and I love him to pieces for it.

Make over my life

A month into the new year and I'm finally ready to make some drastic changes. It's about time for things to change. Everything that I hate in my life is gone, no more baggage. When I say baggage I'm not just talking emotional baggage. I'm talking about anything that sends me negative vibes and does nothing positive for me.

First, I'm going to lose weight. Just you wait. Of course, that might effect the whole plus size modeling idea.. but whatever! I want to be healthy. In all honesty mostly so that when I want to get pregnant I don't have issues. Being overweight/not healthy can effect that and having a child is one of the only things I really want from this life. So it's about time to make a big change to that!

Second, I'm going to be more accomplished - meaning do a lot better at school. This year has been a bit of funk, it happens, but it's time to change that. I'm going to work at real job for May and June (no offence daddy, I just didn't treat it like a real job!). I'm also going to volunteer though. I'm thinking at this school that an old boss of mine knows. It's for mentally disabled children and I think that'll be good experience and also show me that I'm pretty damn lucky.

Third, no more dwelling!!! No more thinking about sad things and crying over them for an hour. Absolutely EVERYONE has problems. EVERYONE. Even people who seem to be incredibly happy. It's all in the way you handle it. No one ever has a perfect life, everyone has to overcome obstacles. It makes you who you are. So my goal is to come to acceptance with all these problems - the show must go on. I'm not repressing them at all, I've acknowledged that they're there and I'm just going to deal with them later.

Forth, get GOOD friends. Now, I'm not saying that I don't have good friends... wait... This is an incredibly tricky one. I have lots of friends, maybe I just want to improve my friendships. I don't know. I'm holding on to some relationships that do nothing for me except cause me grief and that's ridiculous. I retract that I have lots of friends comment. That's not really true - I have a lot of acquaintances. Like, I can't go to the grocery store (in Oakville) without running into someone I know, be it directly or through someone. I just know lots of people and maybe I expect more from them than I should. I just know at this point in your life you're kind of weeding through people you know? When you're older you don't have a million friends, just the few good ones close to your heart.


My parents are fighting, pretty hardcore. Maddy asked me to come home this weekend and I did - they got in a huge fight. My mom screamed, called my dad a fucking asshole and slapped him. Madds started crying and I couldn't be strong after that point. Poor kid, I just think of her alone with my parents all week. My mom regrets a lot of her past - I just wish she could let it go and look to her future instead of dwelling. I mean that's a lesson I've already learned - I guess I got lucky. I think my mom has this view of the world - that not everyone has problems. We have extreme money problems right now. Madds isn't going back to Appleby next year, I'm going to have to figure something out - as much as my dad thinks he can afford things - he can't. I love him to pieces, I guess he just doesn't want to admit the truth yet. I'm pretty sure we're going to lose the cottage soon, I think my parents are holding out on that - for one more summer. My mom said something though - she's a religious freak - but she said "We're incredibly lucky that the lord is testing us in this way. With money troubles instead of health problems." Basically in her opinion we've been blest - not many people in my family have huge health problems. My uncle died of lung cancer when I was like 3, my other uncle just had a heart attack, my aunt had a bit of skin cancer but it was caught. But nothing huge, no one undergoing Kemo (sp?). So instead of having to deal with something like that we have to deal with debt, court orders, not paying our bills. Oh well. It's not necessarily forever. At least we've got each others love.

Last night

Last night Landon and I went out with Lara and Nick. A couple that we've hung out with a lot since August. Lara had never actually met Landon until then, I don't really think I met Nick until then either. Anyhow, they get along really well so we all have a good time when we go out. We usually just hit up a bar/pub and drink or whatever. We've gone bowling before, stuff like that. Last night we went to the Arms played some pool and then went to the Roxyburry. Biggest dive ever!! But they had karaoke, so that was... interesting! Lara's so gutsy she started right off with I Love Rock and Roll. Then Nick and Landon did Bohemian Rapsody (sp!?) so I dunno, I got up there but that's not to be talked about - it was embarressing. I did a song with Lara and Landon, but yah. In all honesty I don't know how much I did suck I couldn't really hear my voice and the music. However I felt like I butchered the song!!
It's always really good to see Lara cause I think we really understand each other. We come from similar families and upbringings and there's just a connection. I've known her since kindergarten... we were in the same class at Fernhill. Then I met her again in grade 9 when she came to Appleby. I was her buddy, I had to call her before school started to see if she had any questions. We talked for like an hour on the phone that time. She told me something interesting last night and I don't know what to take of it. She says she thinks I should consider modeling, plus size modeling. I wasn't at all offended when she said that, some people might have, but in all honest a size 8 could be considered plus size!! She thinks I could really go with it and stuff. She has experience in the whole agency/acting/modeling stuff so it's not like what she was saying was just being thrown together. She said I could find an agency and then they set me up with auditions. I've never considered being a model before... like.. seriously now. I want to be a teacher, but I am broke and if everything worked out ideally I could probably make a bit of good money... for school and stuff. Thing is, to do something like that I'd have to be so thick skinned. There'd be people who hated me, who would say no, highlight all my flaws ... And I'd just have to say meh. I don't know... But it's a temping offer... I think.
I ran it by Landon and he said no - he doesn't want to share me or something! I think he wouldn't want to pick up the pieces when I was broken from being rejected!
I think I might consider it though.
??

"Why, why do you always kick me when I'm high"

So I'm back with my ex. Apparently that seems to be an issue. Okay, okay, not an issue and I'm not reading to much into this. But I dunno... it's really frusterating when your friends don't support you. Just support you. You know, put your flaws behind them. I think I need to do that sometimes, and I haven't. So I guess I can understand. BUT I'm happy. Anyone can tell that. I spent a month and a half crying, yes, yes I did. It sucked, I was hurt. I cried because I wanted to be with Landon and he didn't want to be with me. I cried because he was with someone else. Things changed and he decided to give it another try. Apparently some people don't understand how I could get back with a guy who made me cry and hurt me. Why? Because that's what I wanted. He wanted me back, he hurt me, I've hurt him in the past. It happens. We put that behind us. Bottom line is... I'm happy. Why can't people just support that?
It just pisses me off that I'm happy and people are frusterated with me because I was sad. A friend should just be happy that I'm happy and not care that I was sad. Because now. Now. I'm happy. That's what matters.
Landon is an amazing guy and has never intentionally hurt me. He has done the sweetest things and everyone other than my friends know he's crazy about me. My friends have a different view because I seem to just bitch. My fault. But he's making me happy now and I want people to know that. If I don't care that I cried for a month... then... no one else should.

Unfaithful

What's going on in today's world? Seriously, does the term faithful mean anything to people anymore? I'm aware I'm making a HUGE generalization but this is something that is really common in my life and it's getting a little sickening. Commitment doesn't seem to mean much to anyone anymore. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, maybe I just hang around a lot of people who don't seem to grasp the concept.
I don't exactly know what to say about this whole thing. I've cheated on someone in the past and I've been the other girl. Those are probably the some of the biggest regrets of my life. I think you really need to put yourself in the other persons shoes. Imagine the person that you're so commited to hugging and kissing someone else, calling some other girl/guy before they go to bed, daydreaming about being with someone else.
I think that my choice in guy friends has really led me down this road to where I am. Don't get me wrong, my guy friends are nice enough, but some of them don't have the best track record when it comes to girlfriends and being faithful. I've seen it, I've seen them lie to a girls face, avoid telling the whole truth, find ways to make another girl work into their schedule. It seems so easy. So easy for them to tell this girl a lie, this girl, that they apparently care enough about to be in a relationship with.
So what's a girl like me to do? I just got back with an old boyfriend. Things are amazing, but I'm scared. So, so, so scared that there could be someone else. I know he is an amazing guy, with amazing morals. But I used to think that of some of my friends. So how do I get rid of this horrible feeling? How do I know for sure that he's not lying. He's told me white lies about this other girl before, he got a zippo from her and lied and told me he bought it for himself, we weren't together then and I think he just didn't want to hurt me. He doesn't use it anymore if that changes things. It's just when he tells me a lie about something so small - how do I know he's not lying about bigger things? If he can't tell me the truth about something as little as that - how can he tell me the truth about other things?
Deep, deep down I know he would never do something like that - but society and my friends are all pushing me. I've got all these insecurities like I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. That he'd rather be with someone else. I hate it because it holds me back. This weekend wasn't as good as it could have been because I felt so insecure.
The worst part is that I've been there. I've been tempted by someone and fallen for their 'charms' when I shouldn't have. I've hurt someone in that way and now here I am scared of having to feel that same pain.