Last day

It's really so so sad to leave here. I just feel so at home I guess. I don't want to leave poor Sarah alone either, we have a good system going here.
Today we're driving to Calgary. It's a 3 hour drive from here and we drive through Banff, it's actually a really, really pretty drive. Then we're staying at my Aunt and Uncle's house and having a nice dinner with them and hopefully *crosses fingers* my cousin and her new baby!! Which really excites me ;)
Sarah is feeling all worried because we didn't do anything cool when I was here... but I think that this trip was awesome anyway. So good to spend time with Sar and meet her friends and get a taste of her life out here. :)
The other day there was a creepy old man here hitting on Sarah and I was on msn on my laptop. I knew he was a creep and she was a little uncomfortable with him around so I just sat here on msn the whole time while they talked. It was kind of funny. Afterwards Sarah and I were talking about it and she said that everytime he said something slimey or creepy I would look up and give him a dirty look or a look that just said "what the hell is wrong with you?". She said she felt really comfortable and was glad I was there though :P. I didn't even realize I was giving him those looks but I'm glad I did anyway.

Find comfort in pain

It's so weird... I should never stay up late because that's when I start thinking or bad things happen. (Some of the time anyway). The last two nights I've stayed up late and that's just not ended up good. It's the wierdest feeling to sit here and cry and be in pain but at the same time not be pained. I don't know, it's the hardest feeling to explain. I know I've cried and been torn up so many nights and I've gotten through it all so maybe this is just comfortable for me in some ways? I'm not sure if that makes sense but I guess it doesn't really need to.
Why are people always nice to you after the fact or that moment too late? My situation involves a certain friend who pretty much I had written off... they stopped calling or really caring/responding when I called, they got on with their life. I came out west and thought "if they don't try to get in touch with me by calling or e-mailing I'll know I can just forget about them." So I stopped calling and trying and waited. It didn't take all that long for them to start calling me and missing me and trying to get my attention.
Now I feel like crap in someways because I don't think I want or need them in my life anymore... that time has just past and as much as I care for them it's just not the same. So then they tell me they miss me and I feel guilty for not feeling the same way. and I hurt. I physically hurt for knowing they still care for me because I don't want them to if I don't. I don't want them to think about me or to miss me or to feel lonely without me. When I was there it wasn't a big deal and I was practically ignored... at least thats how it felt. I hate stupid situations like this. I wish everyone could just realize what they had and show the people around them how much they are needed and cared for. If you like it when someone calls you, clearly, by repeatidly brushing them off when they do is not the way to show it.
Tonight is my last sleep in my oh so comfy bed downstairs at my sisters. I don't think it's really even clicked that I'm going home... I just feel so comfortable here. I'm going to bawl my eyes out leaving. I hate leaving. Especially poor Sarah cause she lives all alone and after spending numerous days here while Sar is at work I've realized it can be pretty lonely.
Well I need my beauty sleep. ;)

Yay!!

Well yay is pretty much the only way I can think of expressing my emotions at this moment in time... lol... My cousin and I had a huge heart to heart talk over Christmas break and it pretty much helped her find her way and discover herself and everything - which is SO exciting! I'm so proud of her for going out and doing everything she had to and now she's on the complete right track and happy. I couldn't be happier for her.
I saw her with her nephew and she was so darling and amazing with him I suggested for her to go into education or something like that because it would probably make her happy and I believe kids need a person like her in their lives. So she's looked into and has started volunteering at a school and had an interview for a program at Sheridan and I'm just so glad that she's found this part of herself. She's getting encouragement from other sources too, which is just what she needs!
So, YAY!!!

hugs

This is the view my sister gets to see every morning when she wakes up. Me too for the next 2 -3 mornings. :)

It's been such a relaxing stay here - maybe a little too relaxing ;) but it's been really great. Sarah had Mikel over last night and we had a nice dinner all together then afterwards we watched a couple of episodes of Veronica Mars - if you can believe it I had actually forgotten how great the show was! It's so addictive. I love Veronica's character she's so smart and offbeat. It's so sad that I get so addicted to T.V shows. But really it's just V. Mars and Gilmore Girls. Which I sadly missed last night - though Jenn was going to tape it for me.

So last night Mikel was leaving and Sarah and him were saying good-bye and I was in the room - this is kind of funny because I wasn't sure if I should leave them alone or if it would be rude if I just said bye and walked away. This morning he called Sarah and was all worried because he thought maybe he should have given me a hug and that's why I was hanging around. Meanwhile I was just trying to be polite. But it's funny how we worry about things like that. I probably would wonder the same thing. I know sometimes I do wonder if I should have hugged them, or kissed them or whatever. Especially with Linds' family - normally they all just hug me but sometimes we don't and then I worry. That's probably the stupidest thing to worry about though - you know when there's poverty, hunger, homelessness. :P

Actually, funny story, kind of anyway. At Mr. Sami's 50th birthday party Mr. Clark was there (Heather's dad). I'm very close with Heather and Mr. Clark and I have celebrated numerous things together (haha, mostly dinners at the Sami's) Anyhow, he was leaving and went to shake my hand, then kind of looked at me and said "We can do better!" and gave me a hug. It was cute. Then the next night was New Years and I was at Heather's house and we were all hugging because it was midnight and he went to shake my hand again, and then said the same thing laughing. So we hugged :)

My brother doesn't hug us at all. Unless he's drunk. Twice I've gotten good hugs out of him while he's been drinking. Once was my birthday. The other time was kind of an emotional breakdown we both had, we had both been drinking of course. Well the emotional breakdown was kind of him - I had never seen him upset or cry before and he was and he's not a huggy person (at all) and I didn't know what to do because normally if I attempted to hug him he'd push me away. So I hugged him and he just cried, it rips up my heart thinking about it actually. Then we talked until the sun came up. Can't say we ever had done that before or did it again. Sarah and I were watching Friends and we were marvelling over how close Monica and Ross are, like they kiss each other or kind of cuddle. Sarah just kept saying "Can you imagine doing that with Mike?" I really, really can't. Until recently I thought no one touched him - then I met his girlfriend and well they don't stop holding hands or cuddling or being all lovey dovey. As repulsive as it is I'm just glad he's happy.

entertaining myself ;)

1. Describe the best feeling you've ever had: teaching someone something new
2. Do you wish on stars: yes. and right now I can see a lot of amazing ones :)
4. Which finger is your favorite? haha, my ring finger.
5. When did you last cry: earlier today.
6. Do you like your handwriting: Usually it's okay.
8. Any bad habits: numerous :P, one being my addiction to msn!
9. What is your most embarrassing Cd: hmm the first 4 backstreet boys?
10. If you were another person, would you be friends with you and why or why not? Yes... I think I'm fun enough, but my view is a little skewed.
11.Are you a daredevil?: I have little moments that might be a little more risky.
13. Do looks matter: No, but some level of attraction is good.
15. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow: No.
16 - 18 is missing.
19. Where is your second home: Hmm the Sami's ;) or Peterborough.
20. Do you trust others easily: Pretty easily, yes.
21. What was your favorite toy as a child: My barbies :)
22. What class in school do you think is totally useless: I don't really think any of them are useless.
23. Do you like sappy love songs: Yes!
25. Do you have a journal: yes.
28. What do you look for in a guy/girl?: Loyalty, passion, humor, sensitivity, intelligence.
29. What are your nicknames? Bem, Erm, Sperm, Clutzy
31. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off : I don't often wear tie up shoes.
32. What are you worried about right now: Financial issues, my family, my friends.
33. Do you ever wear overalls? Nope.
34. Do you think you are strong? Physically- that's actually laughable. Emotionally I have my moments.
35. What's your favorite ice cream flavor: Cookies n cream or cookie dough.
36.What's your favorite color: Pink
37.What is your least favorite thing in the world: Cheaters.
38. How many wisdom teeth do you have: two so far, I think.
39. How many people like YOU right now: like like me? Haha, I don't know. Hopefully at least one somewhere out there.
40. Who do you miss most right now: a friend of mine.
41. Do you want everyone you sent this to send it back? n/a
42. What are your fears: Being alone forever, losing the people I love, not being sucessful, not being able to have kids.
43. Favourite Song? Feels Like Home, What am I to you?, Goodbye My Lover
44. Listening to rite now? watching Veronica Mars with my sister and Mikel.

Through the dark there is light

Don't ask about the title, it's just lyrics to a song.

So weird because I was thinking about how I started up my blog again and I was going to write in it a lot more and then I didn't... so I decided to post something, anything and had all these random ideas. Then I got here, and I'm ready to write but I don't know what to say. I think I've been having a really off day today. Just one of those down on yourself type days. It's all so stupid.

So reading week has been pretty good so far, very low key and relazing. Just hanging out at Sarah's. I've had the chance to see Sarah's friend Mikel a lot - which is cool because I hadn't seen him for four years, I think he's coming over to dinner again tonight.

Actually I guess I've learned a few things about myself on this trip... Sarah and I were talking and we think that I'm dad's favorite so I asked if she knew why she thought that. She then told me it was because mom hated me when I was a kid. (Um, ouch, yes). Apparently I was just like my mom and we clashed . So from what she said there would be times where my dad would have to step in and stand up for me, thus creating our bond. Hm. Interesting theory.

I've also learned that apparently I am unapproachable. Apparently, Maddie, my little sister, is more approachable than me. How so? I have no idea. Maddie is the most judgemental person in my family! (I love her, I do, but its true, and she admits to it too!) Anyway, apparently she's just Ms. approachable. It's kind of weird because I was once told I was unapproachable before - I definitely don't like that but I'm not sure what I do that makes me so scary.

And the last thing I've learnt is that my sister's ex-boyfriend liked Maddie better than me which is why he didn't get me a Christmas present, even though he gave one to Madds. In all honesty Madds didn't like it and gave it to me anyway... but. Ouch. Sarah seems to be the fountain of all crappy news for me. I'm questioning why I flew all the way out here now! (haha, kidding).

So I guess this visit to see Sar has gotten me a little confused. I'm feeling really insecure right now.

It's really scary too look at marriages that fall apart and think that those people loved each other so much at one point in their lives but that just wasn't enough. Something changed or happened and now they don't want to be together anymore. So then how do we know what's ever for sure?

It's also so scary to look at two people who are clearly in love but aren't actually together for whatever reason. I don't get it.

All smiles :)

I'm in a really good mood today, I'm not going to talk about why but it's really just nice! I also want to thank Ash... (who might be the only one who reads this anyway, lol) for doing whatever she did to make my blog look cool! Thanks hun.

Yesterday I was on the bus and I noticed that probably half the people were listening to music, me included. It's so funny to look around and see all these people completely in their own little worlds, I kind of wonder what they're listening to.

I also know that when I have my ear phones in I'm oblivious to the rest of the world, I'm off daydreaming or thinking everything through. Now I'm kind of wondering about the safey or even just the etiquette of it all. I know walking with music blaring in your ears at night is probably not the best idea due to safety. And I'm sure if my mom knew I was doing it she would completely regret giving me the IPod for Christmas. The other question I kind of have is it really polite to sit there and be completely unaware of what's going on around you? I know for me I definitely zone out, but the music just makes everything else seem much more upbeat.

flashback...

wow, I just read over a bunch of my old blogs and I have to say in some ways I feel like a completely new person... but in others it just all felt so me. I guess that was like reading a journal, minus the names, a few times I couldn't figure out who I had been talking about. Specifically I wrote about someone who said I wasn't going to last in my program. Reading that made me so incredibly angry. I can't believe someone would say that to me, especially someone who knew me. Well, here I'm still going at it. But wanting to know who had so little faith, I have a pretty good idea... surprise, surprise he's never really been the encouraging type. And after all... eh, I'm not going to get into it or rant - you live and you learn. :)

Okay, now after completely procrastinating... back to my presentation!!

Been a while!

So I guess I never updated after my summer...oh well.. the people who read this probably know for the most part what I did. Babysat, taught kids swimming, made people subs -nothing overally exciting. Well, throw in a Green Day concert and a Backstreet Boys concert... and of course the games nights and we have ourselves a summer! That seems like forever ago.
Since then I've been back at Trent, living with Jenn, Linds and TJ. I've switched my major to English, however doing so I might have screwed myself over - go me! It's been a pretty good semester so far. Had my first stressful attack but I've past that now, kind of. Mmm maybe not so much. I need an escape.

Okay, I stoles this from Ash's blog... I don't know how to do the link thingy so here's here blog ashleyrose15.blogspot.com!

Four jobs I've had
1. Stephen's Bay Swimming Instructor (most favorite job ever!)
2. Subway. (Eh. Only cause I love Debbie and Mags).
3. Bracebridge Culture and Rec... (lifegaurd, camp councellor and swimming instructor... overworked and underpaid :P).
4. Janet Barber Aquatics! (Best boss ever, loved teaching swimming there too!)

Four movies I can watch over and over
1. The Notebook - somehow I cry a lot everytime.
2. Mighty Ducks 3 - Ash, you reminded me of it and I love it so much.
3. Oaklahoma - random, don't ask.
4. Pirates of the Caribbean - I love it :)
(quite the selection...lol)

Four places I have lived
1. Oakville... for ever.
2. Bracebridge.. all summers
3. Peterborough... for school.
4. I will have lived in Kingston after '07/'08

Four TV shows I love
1. Gilmore Girls... that's a given!
2. Veronica Mars!!
3. Friends
4. Ellen

Four places I’ve vacationed
1. Florida
2. My cottage... we didn't go on trips, just went to the cottage.. lol.
3. Invermere... visiting Sarah, and I'm going again in 10 sleeps!
4. Italy... Venice and Riva Del Garda - not much of a vaction, but it was awesome!

Four of my favorite dishes
1. Mom's roast beef!!
2. Mom's lasagne.
3. Mom's stew.
4. Mom's tuna casserole.
... I miss my mom... :(

Four sites I visit daily
1. ishape.com
2. trentu.com
3. ashleyrose15.blogspot.com, lol
4. hvclark.blogspot.com, lol.

Four places I would rather be right now
1. asleep
2. cuddling
3. out west already.
4. at home with my mommy, lol.

I don't like that that was the last one. Now that's what I'm thinking about!!
Okay I have a presentation to prepare for... blah! I need something fun.