All you need is love

... yes. all you need is love. But not stupid romantic love. I'm officially off that. Yes, off it. I don't see the point. If you have love in your life why bother making sure you have that stupid connection with one person. It's easier to not rely on a sole individual who ends up hurting you just by accident. I was reading over some old, old blogs earlier and I saw one about how lucky I am... because I have so many people in my life who love me. Like SO many. I don't know how I deserve any of it but somehow I do. I have these people who know me and care about me and actually say the words. It hurts, it made me cry last night when Landon's mom said "i love you." It was so incredibly touching. I don't even know how to describe it. Ugh.

ewwwwwwwwwwww

haha. I just re-read my blog and i tend to write SUCH depressing blogs because it's my way of getting out my emotion... it's definitately a journal thing. (wow i just spelt definately so wrong). Anyway! I just don't feel sad like that anymore... not in a bad way but I know I'm fine. My week has been spectacular and there has been few tears. Minus... tuesday? I dunno, but everything is working out really well so yay! I debated deleting that blog because I think its so over the top now but ehn. I think I just might survive. It will remind me not to get in another relationship again because they are stupid. TJ has declared that I have to be single for a while... honestly it was like I was being sentenced to it. It was too funny... and I'm kind of excited to be single... I mean Landon and I finally stopped talking at the beginning of June and then Alex and I got together in July. Not that I wasn't totally happy with Alex, because I really, really was... but there's a lot of stuff that I want to do and it's nice to be alone. Not in a slutty way. I don't know. It's hard to explain. A boyfriend takes a lot more time and energy than you really think. Honestly though I'm just talking it up to myself. Ha ha. I like having a guy to spend my time with and cuddle with and alll that. :) we'll see how life plays out. I'll just try to focus on me for now.

A guy I've known for 10 years asked me to marry him when he found out I was single... haha. Well I think it was more of a joke but he said he'll do the lawyering and I can stay home, raise the kids and spend the money!! Sounds good to me!! Perfect actually ;)

I am going to the Santa Clause Parade with Emmy from the cottage on Sunday and I think Heather as well. Do you even know how pumped I am?!?!?!?!?!? SOOOOOO very excited :)

The worst part

I want to talk about it and get it out but I can't. Because it feels wrong to talk about it when the person who its about doesn't know. So I can't get the words out as much as I want to... ugh.

The best part of breaking up is getting back your stuff.

Ha! Except I'm not giving him back his sweater yet because in a weird way it still manages to comfort me even though it doesn't have the same meaning attached to it.

I hate breaking up. I hate the pain and I hate the hurt. I hate wanting to cry all the time and being on the verge of tears. I cried today when Linds asked me if I wanted to watch a Christmas movie. and then I cried when Vicki played Christmas music.

The worst part is that I don't want this guy to know how I feel. I don't want him to know I cry myself to sleep and wake up and cry. Partly because I know eventually that will pass and partly because I think he's hurting too. And I don't want him to know that I actually care about him this much. That knowing he's on msn and not talking to me makes my heart throb. That knowing I can't kiss him anymore or hug him or hold his hand tears me up inside.

But then I worry that he's doing completely fine. That he doesn't hurt and that maybe he's even happier this way.

And then I hurt because I've been given up on again. That a guy has just let me walk out of his life and away from him again. That I'm replacable and I don't matter. That I didn't make that much of a difference in life... when he made all the difference in mine. He could make my day to a complete 180 an make everything seem okay.

and i think about the memories and it tears my heart up... but I try to think that at least I have those.