The best part of breaking up is getting back your stuff.

Ha! Except I'm not giving him back his sweater yet because in a weird way it still manages to comfort me even though it doesn't have the same meaning attached to it.

I hate breaking up. I hate the pain and I hate the hurt. I hate wanting to cry all the time and being on the verge of tears. I cried today when Linds asked me if I wanted to watch a Christmas movie. and then I cried when Vicki played Christmas music.

The worst part is that I don't want this guy to know how I feel. I don't want him to know I cry myself to sleep and wake up and cry. Partly because I know eventually that will pass and partly because I think he's hurting too. And I don't want him to know that I actually care about him this much. That knowing he's on msn and not talking to me makes my heart throb. That knowing I can't kiss him anymore or hug him or hold his hand tears me up inside.

But then I worry that he's doing completely fine. That he doesn't hurt and that maybe he's even happier this way.

And then I hurt because I've been given up on again. That a guy has just let me walk out of his life and away from him again. That I'm replacable and I don't matter. That I didn't make that much of a difference in life... when he made all the difference in mine. He could make my day to a complete 180 an make everything seem okay.

and i think about the memories and it tears my heart up... but I try to think that at least I have those.