A Whole New Chapter...

Change

2007-10-17T14:43:00.000-05:00

I guess change is inevitable and you have to move on to new stages in life eventually... but I find myself torn. I'm happy with everything in my life now - sort of. I just realized I have like no friends left and I don't know where they all went. I guess I go so involved with my own life that everyone moved on with thiers and all we have now are memories. I don't get it. I know I'm important to Dima but am I really that unimportant to everyone else I used to share my life with? That they don't need to talk to me or see me anymore.
I guess I've been contemplating friendships a lot. I've realized more and more how much I miss Linds but I feel like she's moved on to better things. I texted her and wrote her a message on facebook with no responses so I figure I should just let it go - why be over eager. ... Why? Because she was my best friend and I managed to be so self consumed and stupid that I lost her. I was reading my old journal the other day and it said so much about us and our plans for the future and now we don't even talk.
Now that mom and dad moved to Bracebridge I'm like never in Oakville - and I really, really miss those friends. I know they're back at school and back to those worlds but I didn't even get the Thanksgiving fix - yah know? The couple of nights spent together. And I won't get it at Christmas either. I miss those people who can know what I'm thinking or laugh at the typical Em things I've done. They're all gone... and in their place I have this wonderful boyfriend... but that can't be it can it? I can't do everything I need with him - I can't girltalk and spend hours scrapbooking or at Chapters. I can't sit there and remember highschool days with him. I love him so much but I miss the other people who know me best.
It frustrates me to because I've made an effort for him to see his friends. He invites his best bud over when we're together and that's totally fine but I don't have the same opportunities. The other day I suggested going to see one of his friends. I don't know. I know he wouldn't object to it if I went to see them but I have no transportation... and he's shown no interest in meeting them or getting to know them.
And I miss them. And being at their houses and talking to their parents. Like Ash's mom... or Mike's mom and dad... or Heather's parents.
I miss Oakville. and my home.

And so it is

2007-05-31T19:19:00.000-05:00

So, high speed at the cottage now... yay!!! So weird to just be able to check my e-mail without the hassle!!
So, loads on my mind as I look at my facebook and see that everyone is graduating and showing pictures of them in their robes with their proud parents just beaming. I just can't help but think what went wrong. I know that I will get to that point eventually, I just don't understand why it didn't work out for me as it should have. If everything had gone according to plan in September I would be starting teacher's college and be a teacher by next spring... and with my references and connections and experience probably have some sort of job by the fall. I just don't understand what went wrong. Everything happens for a reason, right? Am I waiting for something else for now? Or am I just still figuring myself out? I've never been the type to put education above anything else so its obvious why I'm in this boat. I know that I'll get there though, just in my time and at my speed.

I miss my boyfriend (Weird, normally I'd just say baby, but that felt wierd to type) so much. I dunno how but he has the ability to calm me down SO much. Today at work was just ugh. Plain ugh. I'm really frustrated with everything these days and when I'm tired it just all comes out in tears. Mom looked at me today and said she's never seen me look so exhausted... well hello... it's not easy work exactly, when you have to be pleasant, deal with stupid stressors, and be on your feet all day. Anyway, back to my baby, he just can calm me down so easily. He's so sweet and makes me smile just because of the way he says I love you and then says he doesn't like it when I cry. LOL, funny how that actually kind of does fix things a little bit.

I'm backkk :)

2007-05-28T21:52:00.000-05:00

I don’t know why I stopped writing on this blog… probably because I ended up coming to the cottage last year and having to deal with dial up. And yes, it’s that bad!! It’s so bad somedays I sit here thinking just horrible thoughts. I close my eyes and count to ten and hope the page has loaded by the time I open them… and I count really slowly. Most of the time its no dice though. I guess it’s better than nothing. Although… I did start writing this blog in a word document because bloody blogger won’t even load yet. Ugh.

I am the biggest over-analyzer, think-way-too-mucher ever. See, I was sitting here feeling pretty happy about things and decided I wanted to restart my blog… and then I start and I start wondering who would care enough about the inner workings of my head to actually read it on a regular basis. I know of two people who did in the past. One of them is currently out of the country and they other one soon will be… so really… who will read this? Maybe I’ll actually put it out there to a few more people and see what happens.

I guess right now I’m going through some interesting changes. I don’t want to say I’m finding me because I’m pretty sure I’ve been pretty confidant in who I am and have been for a while… so I guess I’m just adjusting to life and really working at the happiness thing. I don’t know why its’ been so hard for me to just be happy and comfortable with what my life is. But for some reason it’s been a huge struggle of being incredibly insecure and always doubting anything positive that comes along. I think I’m getting better though…

I was doing this survey thing a few minutes ago and one of the questions was something about who your best friend is and it kind of sucks that I had to stop to think about that. I don’t know. Do you need a best friend to define who you are? Like, you know how you can always tell a bit about someone’s character by looking at who they are friends with… what if they don’t have many, or aren’t even sure who they are anymore? What does that say about someone’s character? I mean I guess if they don’t have many it means that they can take care of themselves and don’t need to rely on a whole bunch of people. But what if they aren’t sure who their true friends are… does that mean they’re confused and mixed up??

Its funny how quickly people you deemed as friends can just sort of become acquaintances. The only people who I feel I can really call my friends… despite my lack of contact with them… are my highschool buddies, and that’s only because we’ve gone through the years of distance and experiences and can still get together and generally it feels like no time has passed. Earlier this year I had a group conversation on MSN with about 5 of my friends from highschool and we were all in different cities, it was pretty cool,… not to mention the fact that even over MSN all the same teasing and joking and everything was still there… it was as though no time had passed and we were just sitting in Dave’s house. I don’t know why but I feel like they know me the best. Same goes with Tristan, another highschool friend, but not from my “group”/OTHS. He and I were chatting on MSN like the beginning of January and I was trying to make all these decisions and he was just throwing thoughts out there and saying things and compliments like he really actually knew who I was. It was so weird, especially after not seeing him for 4 or 5 years. I think I knew who I was in highschool… fundamentally anyway… I most certainly went through a bitch phase, thank god that is over. Anyway, my point is, I think people are pretty quick to call people friends, I think that its takes a lot to actually be a good friend to someone and that quality is way better than quantity.

Hmmm... I also think that when people end up dating people thier best friend tends to drift into the person they are dating because they spend so much time together. Obviously they need their own lifes and their own friends... but when people are dating they rely on each other for a lot of support and that's why I think that person kind of becomes your best friend. Probably one of the reasons a lot of break ups can be so hard.

k, I'mma zonked. Bed time!!

All you need is love

2006-11-19T23:03:00.000-06:00

... yes. all you need is love. But not stupid romantic love. I'm officially off that. Yes, off it. I don't see the point. If you have love in your life why bother making sure you have that stupid connection with one person. It's easier to not rely on a sole individual who ends up hurting you just by accident. I was reading over some old, old blogs earlier and I saw one about how lucky I am... because I have so many people in my life who love me. Like SO many. I don't know how I deserve any of it but somehow I do. I have these people who know me and care about me and actually say the words. It hurts, it made me cry last night when Landon's mom said "i love you." It was so incredibly touching. I don't even know how to describe it. Ugh.

ewwwwwwwwwwww

2006-11-16T10:42:00.000-06:00

haha. I just re-read my blog and i tend to write SUCH depressing blogs because it's my way of getting out my emotion... it's definitately a journal thing. (wow i just spelt definately so wrong). Anyway! I just don't feel sad like that anymore... not in a bad way but I know I'm fine. My week has been spectacular and there has been few tears. Minus... tuesday? I dunno, but everything is working out really well so yay! I debated deleting that blog because I think its so over the top now but ehn. I think I just might survive. It will remind me not to get in another relationship again because they are stupid. TJ has declared that I have to be single for a while... honestly it was like I was being sentenced to it. It was too funny... and I'm kind of excited to be single... I mean Landon and I finally stopped talking at the beginning of June and then Alex and I got together in July. Not that I wasn't totally happy with Alex, because I really, really was... but there's a lot of stuff that I want to do and it's nice to be alone. Not in a slutty way. I don't know. It's hard to explain. A boyfriend takes a lot more time and energy than you really think. Honestly though I'm just talking it up to myself. Ha ha. I like having a guy to spend my time with and cuddle with and alll that. :) we'll see how life plays out. I'll just try to focus on me for now.

A guy I've known for 10 years asked me to marry him when he found out I was single... haha. Well I think it was more of a joke but he said he'll do the lawyering and I can stay home, raise the kids and spend the money!! Sounds good to me!! Perfect actually ;)

I am going to the Santa Clause Parade with Emmy from the cottage on Sunday and I think Heather as well. Do you even know how pumped I am?!?!?!?!?!? SOOOOOO very excited :)

The worst part

2006-11-14T00:53:00.000-06:00

I want to talk about it and get it out but I can't. Because it feels wrong to talk about it when the person who its about doesn't know. So I can't get the words out as much as I want to... ugh.

The best part of breaking up is getting back your stuff.

2006-11-13T20:27:00.000-06:00

Ha! Except I'm not giving him back his sweater yet because in a weird way it still manages to comfort me even though it doesn't have the same meaning attached to it.

I hate breaking up. I hate the pain and I hate the hurt. I hate wanting to cry all the time and being on the verge of tears. I cried today when Linds asked me if I wanted to watch a Christmas movie. and then I cried when Vicki played Christmas music.

The worst part is that I don't want this guy to know how I feel. I don't want him to know I cry myself to sleep and wake up and cry. Partly because I know eventually that will pass and partly because I think he's hurting too. And I don't want him to know that I actually care about him this much. That knowing he's on msn and not talking to me makes my heart throb. That knowing I can't kiss him anymore or hug him or hold his hand tears me up inside.

But then I worry that he's doing completely fine. That he doesn't hurt and that maybe he's even happier this way.

And then I hurt because I've been given up on again. That a guy has just let me walk out of his life and away from him again. That I'm replacable and I don't matter. That I didn't make that much of a difference in life... when he made all the difference in mine. He could make my day to a complete 180 an make everything seem okay.

and i think about the memories and it tears my heart up... but I try to think that at least I have those.

I'm in awe :)

2006-05-18T07:22:00.000-05:00

I was watching Oprah yesterday - and firstly I have to admit I'm not a huge fan of Oprah herself, only the people she brings on her show;I find her a little high and mighty and condesending at times. Anyway yesterday she had Queen Rania of Jordan on her show and I'm officially awe struck by this woman. She's incredibly intelligent, she seems like an amazing mother, a wonderful role model, and to top it all off she's incredibly stunningly beautiful! I'm sure she has her flaws but that's normal and would just make her more desirable! I'm just so glad I turned on the T.V in time to see her because I officially have a new role model. If I ever had one before. I wish that there were more women like this around - she carries herself so incredibly well so even just before she speaks you're thinking 'I want to be like her.' I'm sure a young girl would feel the same, as they are often drawn and want to be like beautiful women. Hence why so many pop-stars end up being role models to small children. Unfortunately those pop-stars don't represent the same values and ideals that Queen Rania does. While they are up there on stage in thier revealing clothing singing songs about boys and sex Queen Rania is out their speaking about empowering women, injury prevention, good values, the conflict in the middle-east, just things we should all be aware of and should educate ourselves in. I'll be the first to admit that while I did attend very good schools and I am in third year university I am not as educated as I should, or would like to be. However, as of yesterday I feel I have the potential to change. "… So remember: The pages of your life belong to you. Write a story that makes you happy and proud. And someday, somewhere, a wonderful little girl will read it and say, 'I want to be just like her.'” Those are the words of Queen Rania and I guess I feel like I'm that little girl right now.

The more I think about it the more I realize I've never really had a role model. There are definitely people I look up to, but no one who's foot steps I really want to follow in. I admire my mom for many of her qualities and her values but I would like my life to take a bit of a different path. I suppose my interest in etiquitte is a direct result of my mom and I do desire to be a classy, polite lady, however that does not shape my entire being. (On a side note, someone described my mother as new money the other day and I was incredibly offended. I believe they were a little confused by the definition and then they don't know my mother anyway. Most people, including the british guy who was in the car with us describe 'new money' as a bit vulegar, lacking in class, showing off thier money, and just not being able to handle themselves very well in some situations. Wannabes perhaps? Where as 'old money' is more well bred, they don't feel the need to flaunt it, they're humble, etc. Anyway, there is NO way my mother acts in a 'new money' kind of way. My mother was bred by her very english mother and is an incredibly tactful, humble and classy. Their is a difference between a beautiful strand of pearls and a big flashy, tacky diamond ring. Anyway, that's my tangeant. Either way we have no money now so we're neither old or new money. Lol, but gosh, I'm so defensive when it comes to my family. I live in such a wealthy town and you can just tell the 'old money' from the 'new money' it's practically evident in the way people talk. Again, I'd be classified as the 'no money' :P)

So back to my lacking of a role model! I guess I've found one now. Totally lost the oomph behind me writing about her now though. Now I'm just livid thinking of my mother being described as new money. Get a clue. Lol. My mother has amazing public relation skills, she's very nice and while she does scare some of my friends it's just because she wants them to speak correctly!! My friend Laura once told me she

(below: mom and dad the day daddy converted to catholicism) gets nervous when she comes to my door because she's always running through the checklist of what you say to my mom. My mom is very adament about when someone asks you are that you do not say 'I'm good' because being good is a behavior, where as when some one asks 'How are you?" They are aquiring more about your health. I had a friend from grade 7 - 12 and she admired my mother, I could just tell. She would spend about 10 days a summer at the cottage with us and she would ALWAYS ask my moms advice on everything from parents, to boys to a good ab workout. Lol, my mom is in incredinly shape for a 57 year old! Anyway, my mother, always on about manners would tell us at the table that it's rude to announce that you're full (personally, I don't care, but my mother ...) You would have to say, if anything that you are sufficient. And, as a religious woman she would also never let us say "Oh god" and instead tell us to say "Oh Heavens!!" So one day we were tubing and both my friend and I were on the tube going on and off the wake and being terrified and holding on for dear life and my friend was yelling "Oh heavens, oh heavens!!" It was quite amusing.

I am very thankful for my mother's nagging. I have good posture now, well when I consciuosly am aware of it (which makes a huge difference on appearance), I am relatively educated on etiquitte (I do have my Emily Post book for reference though!) and feel I can handle myself very well in a gala/ball type situation. It's funny because my father, who is not the social butterfly it far more low key, I used to spend weekends at the cottage with him, usually just the two of us. And while I cannot picture my mother in a pub drinking beer, or in a basement in Keswick playing poker and chilling, I myself can enjoy it. I have the best of both worlds :). Initially I probably appear as a snob to Keswickians, but I've broken that barrier and now just have my snobby moments. But it's a part of me... there's nothing I can do about it. It's engrained in my soul.

The picture on the left is what a drunken night in Keswick might lead to :P. SPOONING!! Haha, probably not very classy :P. I can't believe in two weeks this picture will be a year old, where does the time go?? *tear* Actually.. wow, i was about to give away a big surprise. Good thing I'm not a tool. Lol. lol. Oh my god. Way too wired for a thursday morning at 9:15!!! that's what a grande, non fat, no whip mocha will do to you!

Okay, maybe it's time for breakfast now!!

One down!!

2006-05-11T16:44:00.000-05:00

So last night we were able to cross one thing off our Summer To Do list. We went to playdium!! It was a lot of fun, I haven't been in a long time but it was wicked! I picked Dave up and then we drove there... which was interesting :P, I took a wrong turn and without D I would have been lost for good. I'm not a huge fan of Mississauga. We got there well before Tom, Sean and Ash so we entertained ourselves, hence the pictures in the car. I totally posed, didn't even think of pretending to drive. D got that down though. ... so that was fun. I was going to scare them when they got there but I really suck and couldn't pull it off, go me!

So then we went in and Ash and I went our own way and the boys went their way. Ash and I are pretty clueless when it comes to Playdium and ended up putting in 5 credits each for Dance, Dance Revolution! But that ended up being a lot of fun anyway! I would totally go back just to play that for hours and hours. It was a really good work out too. So Ash and I played, then Tom and I played and then Sean and Tom played and they defeated the game. Then we all went to Timmies for a couple of hours and just chatted.

Today I babysat!! Now, I know I'm a nerd but it was really good and I'm really excited about it! It went incredibly well. The mom and I get along really well, she's a teacher! and the kids and I got along great as well. She came home to me giving them piggy backs. She had just missed the horsie rides. Lol. Normally I'm not so active with the kids, but today was actualy pretty fun. We watched Power Rangers too!! I think this will probably be a weekly thing. And well I was gone someone else called about babysitting which brings me to a 12% response rate! Which, apparently is good. I've heard 2% is normal?? I don't know much about advertising though so I could be way off.

Anyway! So, this mom is a teacher and she asked me if I wanted to do my placement with her!!! Isn't that wicked! I was thrilled, it makes having to find a placement THAT much easier. Plus she's just really cool and nice. She even said she'd write me a fake letter... I'm not sure what she meant by that. But still, it's nice to have connections. She said the school she works at is very low-key and laid back! I'm so happy right now, I just feel like things are starting to fit. AND I actually have money coming in. I get paid tomorrow from my Subway/TCBY thing and I babysit Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday... plus whatever the women who called tonight wants. Yay! Money is coming in just in time for mothers day.

Today I had to figure out my interest payment on my creditline because apparently I'm at 'delinquint' status. AND guess what. This is pathetic. Until I put 44 cent on my credit line it will stay that way!! The girl on the phone was laughing when she told me. She came back and said "Um, you aren't going to believe this but... until you put 44 cent on your credit line you'll be in delinquint status, you have 15 days until the collection agency comes after you." Then more laughing, I was laughing too. I'll take care of it tomorrow. ;)

Okay, I'm going to rent Hoodwinked! Night :)

2006-05-10T14:04:00.000-05:00

Well, bad news today. Mom didn't get the job she wanted. They had hired all the people before she even talked to the stupid man who invited her in. But that's okay, "unward and upwards" are Mom's words. I asked her if she was okay and she said she could curl up in a ball and cry but that wouldn't get her anywhere. Funny because that's probably what I would do, at least for an hour or so.

Grandpa... who has been a jerk regarding money, what mom needs and being there for her actually did something kind of sweet today. Mom called her parents after she got home and told them what happened, then she called her friend. She got a beep and it was grandpa asking how much a stamp was, then she went back to her friend. Then he called back again and said, "You're roof needs to be re-shingled, make the arrangements and I'll take care of it." Which is really sweet, I still don't forgive him for the creep he's been over the last little while but maybe he's changing or learning from his mistakes.

Poor mom is calling all her friends who have been so surportive and I'm sitting here listening to her tell the same sad story over and over again. It kind of hurts a bit because I know what my mom is capable of and it hurts to see her struggling so much.

I don't know how my parents got in these deep but I guess it happens before people even really realize how bad it's become. Mom just keeps her faith and says she's not meant to have this or that and that there's ultimately something else there for her.

*Big sigh*

I sat outside today for a bit, in my pretty backyard. With our porch which is falling apart and crappy. Hence the pictures, just figured I'd document it. I checked the weather and apparently it's suppose to rain for the next few days so I wanted to take some pictures and get some sunshine while I could. I'll walk to babysitting too.

I share everything so I might as well share my health issues. My ovarian cyst is acting up again and actually really bothering me. I think it might be because I stopped the pill so now I'm producing more eggs again and cysts happen when the eggs are produced... but uh ow. I hope I don't have to go back on the pill again.

I've got a babysitting thing at 4 today, I'm just meeting the kids and the mom and getting acquainted with the house. I do that with most people I sit for these days, just to make sure everything's cool. The mom called last night while I was out and I had to call her back, this is a little embarrassing, I called and someone answered and I asked if their mom was there. It was her HUSBAND. Oh god. Why do I do these things to myself!? She got on the phone laughing and said she liked me all ready though!

It's only 8 or 9 sleeps until the cottage!! I'm so excited, I haven't been since October (so bad). I don't even think I've been to the cottage for a May 2-4 in a couple of years. Last year I know I was with Landon and we went to Guelph one of the days and played scrabble with Lara and Nick the other. The year before I think my parents went up north and I just had a party, I probably did the same the year before! Life has changed a lot though and I wouldn't give up going to the cottage for anything. I wanted to post a picture but it just wouldn't work :(.

I heart my Logans!!!

2006-05-09T21:52:00.000-05:00

Omg. What awesome episodes!!! I'm so happy right now... yes, I realize it's a little pathetic that t.v shows can have such an impact but seriously! Okay, so, below is Veronica and Logan having their first kiss!!! When I watch it on DVD I have to watch it twice, they are they most amazing couple ever. I have to admit when it was over I was sad... but after the season finale how could I be!! They are back doing something and SO adorible, as usual. They have the best chemistry. He loves her so much. I know it's a show but they portray this all very well and clearly. All Logan has is Veronica and they fit together so nicely. Plus he's adorable. I'm just so thrilled. Couldn't believe the season finale. Beaver you messed up little ass. Holy crap, total turn out of no where, but thank God for Logan, yet again. Below is the pic of Logan after saving Veronica for the first time. *Sigh* My hero. If I'm ever this gaga about a real life boy the world better watch out :P. But Logan, you rock my world. Okay, I'm back on planet earth now.

That is... until you get me started on Gilmore Girls!!! My predictions were right. Mwahaha. Lorelai slept with Chris. I don't think she's too happy about it though. Stupid here being hung up on Luke. Chris totally loves her (which is also apparent through his acting) and they do belong together. Luke. You're a dweeb who lost a good thing because of his idiocy. HOWEVER. My other Logan *sigh.* See below is the tied for first cutest couple in my books. (Guess who they're tied with :P).
I'm totally in love with this fictitious character too. I can't help it. He's charming and sweet and I don't care what he did while they were on a break. It's clear he loves her more than anything else. They are adorable and he clearly would have stayed if she asked him too but she's not selfish and wouldn't do that to him. My heart will break if they don't stay together. Yes, I hurt when Jess left, and I hurt when Dean and Rory fell apart. But this, I think I will bawl if it doesn't work. They are just so perfect for each other.

Perhaps I just love to live through Rory and Veronica and their Logan's because really my heart is all alone and sad that I don't have my perfect match. I mean...

Anyway, I'm just so glad Rory and Logan didn't break up despite his going to London. He had just better not do her wrong, but he won't because he loves her. I'm ecstatic that Veronica and Logan are able to be there for each other again because I think they work really well together too!! Yay for the two cutest t.v couples!!

Lol, maybe one day soon I'll have a picture of ME kissing a real guy on here!!

Hahaha.
I'm not holding my breath.
:P

Gilmore Girls Season Finale Tonight!!!

2006-05-09T12:45:00.000-05:00

YAY! I'm so excited to find out what happens on Gilmore Girls and Veronica Mars... but then I'll be sad because the show is over until October... BUT then the seasons will come out on DVD in a few months and I can watch them over and over and over again!!
Here are my predicitions for Gilmore Girls:

Rory and Logan won't break up, even though he's going away. They love each other two much despite Logan's previous stupidity! They'll just have a tearful goodbye. *crosses fingers* He's got lots of money so he can fly back and visit. I hope... I really hope.
Luke will still be an incredibly big loser and despite Lorelai's wishes to alope he won't and they'll be done, at least for now.
Lorelai will go to Chris (I know that because I saw it in the preview) Something will happen between them because they belong together and they love each other so much.

Basically I want Rory and Logan not to break up when he goes away... if he even makes it away... and I want Luke and Lorelai to break up because Luke is being a dweeb and unless he smartens up Lorelai deserves better, aka Chris. He's laid back and down to earth like she is but he's also a bit of her parents world, which I think, in the end she needs. LOL. Okay, this has been my favorite show for 6 years, I'm a little attached. I also think next season might be the last season because well, it'll have been 7 years, I've heard rumors and once Rory is finished school I don't know where it would go.

OKay. So, Veronica Mars. I was LIVID when they annouced Aaron non-guilty. Maddie and I were holding hands and I almost started to cry. In all honesty I have NO idea what this season finale will bring. Last year there were so many twists and EVERYTHING came out in the last episode that I just don't know about this year. I hope that:

Veronica wins the Caine scholarship
Aaron is actually caught and gets in trouble.
The stupid ass mayor (can't remember his name) is found and arrested for molesting the boys.
That Logan isn't responsible for anything and he and Veronica get together again. (Far-fetched I know, but it would make me happy. I love these Logan boys!)

Who knows what will happen. Probably nothing I want, but I hope it's equally as good!!

Now that I've been completely nerdy about my shows... life is okay. NOthing huge going on right now. Volunteered at the Bingo Hall for the Crusaders today, that was interesting. Apparently Bingo is way more popular than I had thought. The prizes get really big. It must be addictive too.

Anyway I need lunch...

your smile is a curve that sets everything straight!

2006-05-01T21:19:00.000-05:00

My title is about no one in particular but I stole it from this *hot* guy that I know. I don't necessarily think he's hot, but he thinks he's hot so I added that in. It was his msn name once. I miss having crushes and the giggles and all that crap. I was watching something on t.v and it was so cute... I wonder if I'll ever have a first date again. It feels like it's too late, I have no idea why. Kissing barely means anything anymore. I guess that's my fault because I'm a bit of a kissing slut. I've kissed too many people and now it's lot all meaning. What have I done?! At least I'm not a slut slut - then that would be bad.

It was so nice way back when. I was thinking about Jon the other day, don't ask why, it's been like what 4 years since I spent any time with him, but I was. One time we went to this thing in Bracebridge called Riverfest and we just went into a near by forest and made out... we were 15 and dating. That's all we ever did, afteral, that's all 'dating' was about back then. We'd go to a movie and sit in the back, just to make out. He'd come over and we'd find somewhere to sit and make out. I'd go to his house and we'd sit and make out. We even made out in the back of a Church once. Seriously, I don't know what we knew about each other, just that we'd make out. He was my summer time boyfriend. We dated for three summers. I remember one summer I came back and his aunt, his adorable cousins and I went to the beach. He was swimming with the kids and his aunt just kept telling me how much he missed me over the year and how much he talked about me. Then he and I made out in the woods again. We did a lot of that. Our spot was in the middle of this forest type meadow area. Now there are condos there and he's a tattoo artist. Hmm. Better than the fresh out of jail, soon to be dad, tattoo covered guy though. Haha, we won't get into that though! It never happened. Or hmm. Then there's the guy who lived in a box. Oh the experiences.

I remember thinking I was so in love with this guy, ugh, I was such a lost teenager. He practically had me convinced to run away with him and get married as soon as I turned 16. Gee. Thanks Mom and Dad for giving me all those rules and restrictions, who knows where I might be now. I could have a four year old kid. Wow. And to find out later he cheated on me with some chick named after a type of cheese?! Haha, oh god. At least I can laugh about it now. Just like I laugh about box boy... after the shudders.

I wish I had kept a better journal when I dated Tom, he was so funny. He still is so funny but he really cracked me up then. Relatively recently Tom informed me he never loved me, it was a relief. I had been worried he had and didn't know what to do with myself. *Sense the sarcasm* I was trying to think of a funny story to tell about Tom but I really couldn't... all of them sounded dull written out. People would have read it and thought I was a tool for bothering to write it out.

Hahaha and on that note...

Summer To do:

2006-04-29T13:33:00.000-05:00

Casino
Playdium
Go Karting
Mini-Road Trip
Cottage Party
Night in Toronto (to what Tom called a 'dance cave', I've never heard of it...).
Jay's Game
Water fight (oh yes, with water guns and balloons, etc)
Poker Night
Wonderland (I've never been)
Patio Drinks (just drink on apatio all day!)
Barbeques
Drive-in (I've never been!)
Zoo
Boating
Ontario Place
The Ex
Golf
Playing RISK (that was Tom's... ) (I do suggest a boardgame night though!).
Car Wash (haha, fundraiser for... us! j/k).

Okay so we won't do them all but we should never have to have a night where we sit around wondering what we need to do and end up not doing anything. I will be upset if this happens :P.

Daisies or Orchids?

2006-04-29T12:59:00.000-05:00

Yesterday marked the end of an era. Jenn moved all her stuff out of the house and TJ left for the summer. It was just Linds and I, which is the way it started a few years ago so it felt nice. I guess it never actually hit me until yesterday that the house would be changingso drastically. Jenn's room is empty and it echos, a very depressing sound. Linds and I decided to just chill and watch movies last night, it was fun and relaxing. I decided to stay in Peterborough a couple of days (Depending when I have to work next) just so Linds doesn't have to be all by herself for a super long time. Troy's coming up tonight and we're doing a family dinner... finishing off the year the same way it began.

Madds has been accepted into McGill and Western so far - I', so proud! Her heart is set on Queen's but I really think McGill might be best for her, I don't know though. Queen's has a lot of pros, and she and I would be there for a semi-year together, but I think McGill will make her more independant and grown up and it seems so much more foreign and exotic than Queen's and that's what I think of her as. She's been to Germany all by herself and she's done conferences with Amnesty. A part of me just feels that Queen's is so simple, basic and Oakville, it would be like extending her life right now but not enriching it. However McGill, McGill is farther away and just has a different feel to it.

I totally love Queen's and would never dock it! I'm going there afteral and it has been my dream school but what's good for one isn't always good for another and Madds, (I know you read this), you deserve better!! What would Rory do?! I always picture Maddie as Rory from Gilmore Girls. Not only do they have similar body builds, but I just feel like both of them want so much more from life. Both are incredibly ambitious and just simply adorable. They even dress a like! And sorry Madds, but they both don't have the best posture, but in the same way!! Here's my comparison Queen's is to daisies as McGill is to orchids. Both flowers are pretty but one is just more exotic.

Here I am stuck with a dandylion :P.... and a bunch of regrets. Except that regret is stupid and I wouldn't have the amazing friendship with Linds that I do now had I not been here. Except that might be the only true friendship I've made at Uni. I know a lot of people here but the truth is I don't know if I care if I really see them again. They're great to hang out with and talk with but they don't mean the world to me.

Haha, I just realized my dandelion symbolism was more than me just calling Trent a weed. Basically when you blow the things off the dandelion you make a wish, and I wish I had done things differently! I am an English major :P.

Everyone Knows I'm in Over My Head

2006-04-25T01:19:00.000-05:00

Tonight was awesome!!! That's all I can say. I really didn't do anything spectacular it's just the feeling I have at the end of it. Cassy, Dave, Tom and I went to the movies and then hung out at a Timmies for a couple of hours - really, nothing spectacular, but as usual the conversation was great and hilarious. We made a list of the many things that we need to do this summer - honestly we might end up doing two of them, but it's fun to dream. We just sat there brainstorming for a while.

In other news Laura msged me today and then called me and brought up a VERY interesting topic! She and her boyfriend, Dave, have been dating for a while now and they brought up marriage recently. They aren't officially engaged or anything like that but plan to get married in the next 4 or 5 years. Well, today she called to ask me if I would be a bridesmaid!!! (Provided we were still close.) I was so flattered I didn't know what to say - I came close to tears though! Her wedding is going to be in England in the Mason's backyard and it's GAURANTEED to be GORGEOUS!!! In my opinion Dave and Laura totally complete each other. He's definitely her prince charming and she is his fair maiden? (I don't know what a good word to describe the girl, princess doesn't feel right to me... main point is they're an awesome match!)

The above is a picture of Laura and I last year when K and I randomly visited Queen's!! Oh the random nights :P. I tried to find a picture of Laura and Dave, but the one I have has other people in it and just wasn't as good as this one!

Laura and I have been friends since grade 10 - we actually have quite the interesting relationship! We were mutual friends through Mike and then decided to play a somewhat stupid trick on him so our meeting pretty much consisted of me randomly showing up on her doorstep to introduce myself, then we had a sleepover! I can't say many of my friendships have started off that way. She has a heart of gold though, she really does! I'm not just saying that. I remember one day she randomly brought me this really cool looking flower; she chose it because it was unique, apparently like me ;). I could go into ton more details but I don't want to bore people. I'll just say we're really fortunate to have the friendship that we do, in that we can just randomly talk or see each other and still have the same connection and have good conversation!

On a totally different subject there's now a group people are calling the 'Frat Pack' a spin off of the Rat Pack and the lesser known 'Brat Pack.' The Frat Pack consists of Owen and Luke Wilson, Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jack Black and Steve Carell. Check it out for yourself http://www.the-frat-pack.com/. Just figured I'd put that out there - had I not researched the Rat Pack I wouldn't have come across it! I'm glad they've come up with some term though because those guys do intertwine and do a lot of movies together! I'm assuming people are more familiar with the 'Brat Pack' but if not it consisted of actors that became famous in the 80's, including: Emilio Estevez, Anthony Michael Hall, Rob Lowe, Andrew McCarthy, Demi Moore, Judd Nelson, Molly Ringwald and Ally Sheedy. I really like that these spin offs of the Rat Pack have happened, I don't know why but it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. Maybe that's just because I'm feeling SO tired right now, must be time for bed!!

Every song ends - is that a reason not to enjoy the music?

2006-04-21T15:34:00.000-05:00

Totally stole my title from One Tree Hill - I'm a dork, I know. It's a good show though, a little overly dramatic but I've stolen a few lines from it. They totally put things in perspective for me.

Last night Linds and I went out to celebrate her 23rd birthday. We got a little drunk - our attention was to get sloshed so that was good! We're not huge into the partying scene so it was kind of funny to actually go out and drink; normally we sit around the basement and play drinking games. So we spent all our money and then walked home, sloshed of course, but the walk was sobering. We then proceeded to make stuffed pasta shells and mashed potatoes. I'm really not sure what kind of people make that food when they're drunk, but it was very humerous to say the least. We also had a sleep over in my room - despite the fact she lives here too - I'm not sure why but it was fun to talk. We're funny drunks, or even sober I guess, we just talk and talk and talk and analyze and philosphize (is that a word?). We have all these theories about everything and it's really great because I think we have allowed each other to develop ino who we want to be by exploring our views on life. Below is a picture of Linds and I at Head of Trent. My hair was so short!

I'm so tired I can barely think. We woke up early today and painted the room Linds is going to switch into. Then I had my exam and soon (in one hour) my bus leaves for home and I can just sleep the whole ride.

How's it goin'?!?

2006-04-12T18:59:00.000-05:00

Unfinished business, that's what I've decided it is. That's why it's always in my dreams and constantly haunting me. I feel like it just won't go away because it's unfinished business. Like a ghost that apparently haunts the earth until that something has been fullfilled. It sounds stupid, but that's what I'm going with. Worst thing is it won't go away because I can't think of a way for it to be 'finished' business. Honestly, I'm really not sure it's possible. That's okay, one day maybe the dreams and haunting will evaporate and my mind will be laid to rest regarding this.

Closure is just so key - I hate not having closure. When a relationship ends or you're in a fight I really feel there needs to be some sort of closure; an official goodbye or an official apology. When you have some rift with someone you can't just all of the sudden go back to being normal - there has to be some sort of talk, it doesn't just happen!! At least in my opinion. If someone acts like they hate me one week and then want to do everything with me the next it leaves me confused - just talk it out with me and then we can move on and be friends again but do not not provide some sort of closure to the way you behaved!

Linds and I have decided to try out all the independent little restaurants in Peterborough. Really we should have started last year as this is pretty much the key to Peterborough's charm! Tonight we gone two places off our list; Hot Belly Mama's and Black Honey. We had a delicious dinner at Hot Belly Mama's and then went to Black Honey for coffee/dessert; where we talked for a long time. Or maybe I did most of the talking and she listened; she must be a good friend. :p, I wish she could have completely cleared my head though. But that's okay - I'll get my closure and everything one day!! (haha, "and that my friend is what you call closure").

Linds and I (hmm, I should try to start EVERY paragraph that way!), we went to Chapters, which was awesome, anyway, we decided to start our own little book club. We're going to meet bi-weekly this summer and have read certain books and discuss them. Each of us has to choose 10 books for next friday. Did I mention we're also going to Stratford at the end of June! Yay! That's exciting. There's so much to look forward to.

Anyway, I'm going to go relax and maybe study a bit!

Have a little faith...

2006-04-10T16:55:00.000-05:00

I wish I was 5 and completely oblivious to everything again. I don't like what's going on and I hate that the last 4 years have been this complete stress. Poor mom has to find a job that pays her well enough or else then we have to sell the house and she's trying really hard and I hate seeing her get this discouraged. Dad's business gets smaller and smaller and he just gets more stressed and tired looking. So of course both of them are just a little unhappy and they fight and everything is just so stressful.
Mom feels like she's completely failed the family or something, she's always apologizing for things like not having dinner planned, it's so crappy to see her this way.
I know Dad feels so bad and his stupid sense of pride just won't let him give in. He's never let me do OSAP even, I went behind his back to get my credit line. He just wants to be able to do it all but he can't, I guess he feels like he's failing. But he's totally not, I have an awesome life now and I always have. I haven't really missed out on much. I guess he's comparing my life to other people's in Oakville or what he dreamed of giving us and that makes him sad. But I appreciate everything he does and has done for me and I just want him to be able to relax.

and Mom... Mom is trying so hard to be strong and she totally carries the family. Like she never cries, I don't know how she never cries. I think if I were her I'd be crying all the time. Earlier today she just wanted to give up and sell the house and get a job at Loblaws and then she just commented on how she has to be strong and patient and I just hate this.

The there's Mike. I think of him and I just go crazy cause he's working 2 jobs right now and he's always been so stressed about money and he never says anything. I remember picking him up from work last year and taking him like anything in the house that I could give him like cans of soup and crap like that cause he couldn't afford anything. I think he's doing okay now, just busy and working late.

I don't worry so much about Sarah, maybe it's the out of sight out of mind idea. I know she's working hard and doing okay though. I'm sure she worries about all of us night and day.

Okay my little vent is over for now :P it's all out there and I can stop stressing and maybe attempt to find something to make my parents for dinner. I totally look after them, or I try to.

Sipping on coke and rum, I'm like "so what? I'm drunk"

2006-04-09T18:22:00.000-05:00

So the title is pretty much my saturday evening :P. Turned out to be better than I had anticipated - and that's totally due to the alcohol and Heather practically forcing me to have that one drink, which led to many more.

Friday night started off low key, I had dinner with Landon - that was interesting - then he dropped me off early so I could chill with Mike. We had to go pick up Maddie and she was very, very drunk. It's upsetting for me to see my little sister that way, seriously! But some funny jokes came from it, so what can I say. We drove her and a couple of her friends home and then Mike and I watched Dazed and Confused, low key, but nice. While we were driving her friends home they informed me that I should have been in Walker House at Appleby, not Baillie - they could 'just tell.' That was very funny. Most people won't get that but Appleby people will. (Uhh Ash..:P).

Saturday I don't even remember what I did. I had a coffee with Maddie and her roomate Toni, that was cool. Then it was time for the Rock game!! Which was so SO exciting. They went into overtime and I was shaking. It was awesome, such a rush!! I don't think I've screamed that hard in a long time.

That's Heather and I at the game... doesn't her hair look pretty? She just got it cut!! Anyway, that was really exciting and I wish I went to more sporting events. Maddie and Fiona were there too, and Mike and Monique were there with their season tickets. It was very exciting.

So after the game we went back to Heather's res. and started the drinking... we drank A LOT. Or I did. Actually, that's a lie. I really don't think I drank that much but I was affected as though I did. I ended up past out on the floor, which is kind of sad and pathetic and Sasha did offer me her bed but I felt bad so I just stayed there. Fiona past out soon after and apparently Yoav claimed we were "dropping like flies," to be fair it was 3am. Below Is Maddie, Mique, Heather and MIke.

The picture above is Heather, Mike and I... I'm not even sure how much we had had to drink at that point, but it's a funny picture anyway. I don't even remember much of what happened so I'm just posting pictures - aren't they worth about a thousand words anyway?! I remember talking to Sasha about Heather and how much we both love her and how she talks about both of us to each other all the time. I also remember watching my little sister hit on a university boy all night. She's growing up...

That's Heather and I - I don't even know what time... I'm hoping late in the evening if I was looking like that :P. She's got her sweater on too so I'm assuming it's later. Poor Heather couldn't drink too much that nigth because *someone* had to wild of a night the evening before. *ahem*. Anyway, the party was really cool because I got to meet and hang out with some people Heather knows and who are different.. but young... I was 20 and most of them were around 18... I felt like an old hag! It was fun though.

So today, Sunday, I had a very low key day and tried to sleep most of my hang over off. Then Lara called and we had dinner together, which was super nice. She's going to France for a month in the summer and I would love more than anything to be able to go over there and spend a week or two with her - we would have a blast. But unless something miraculous ends up happening it would never work, that's okay though - it was more of me dreaming anyway!

I've been home since friday and I feel like I haven't actually stayed home for any period of time - I don't know if I see it happening much either. MOnday and Tuesday night I have some tentative plans. Wednesday it's back to Peterborough for the night. Thursday I'm sure I'll find something... anyway, rather than explain it all before it happens I'll just post after it happens.

So that was my pretty lame post about last night- hope the pictures were okay at least!

Thingy...

2006-04-07T00:21:00.000-05:00

This is not so much procrastination because I'm finally at the not having to procrastinate anything point!!
I stole this from Ash's blog:

Only two rules-- and you MUST follow them.
1.You can only say yes or no.
2.YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING!!!!.
1. Taken a picture naked? -- Yes.
2. Painted your room? -- No
3. Made out with a member of the same sex? -- yes
4 Drove a car? -- Yes.
5. Danced in front of your mirror? -- Yes.
6. Have a crush? -- Yes.
7. Been dumped? -- Yes.
8. Stole money from a friend? -- No.
9. Gotten in a car with people you just met? -- Yes.
10. Been in a fist fight? -- No.
11. Snuck out of your house? -- yes.
12. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? -- Yes.
13. Been arrested? -- No.
14. Made out with a stranger? -- Yes
15. Met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? -- Yes.
16. Left your house without telling your parents? -- Yes.
17. Had a crush on your neighbour? -- Yes.
18. Ditched school to do something more fun? -- Yes.
19. Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex (non sexual)? -- Yes.
20. Seen someone die? -- no.
21. Been on a plane? -- Yes.
22. Kissed a picture? -- yes.
23. Slept in until 3? -- No.
24. Love someone or miss someone right now? -- Yes.
25. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? -- Yes.
26. Made a snow angel? -- Yes.
27. Played dress up? -- yes.
28. Cheated while playing a game? -- Yes.
29. Been lonely? -- Yes.
30. Fallen asleep at work/school? -- Yes.
31. Been to a club? -- Yes.
32. Felt an earthquake? -- No.
33. Touched a snake? -- No.
34. Ran a red light? -- No.
35. Been suspended from school? -- Yes.
36. Had detention? -- Yes.
37. Been in a car accident? -- No.
38. Hated the way you look? -- Yes.
39. Witnessed a crime? -- No.
40. Pole danced? -- Yes.
41. Been lost? -- Yes.
42. Been to the opposite side of the country? -- Yes.
43. Felt like dying? -- Yes.
44. Cried yourself to sleep? -- Yes.
46. Sang karaoke? -- Yes
47. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? -- Yes.
48. Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? -- No.
49. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? -- Yes.
50. Kissed in the rain? -- Yes.
51. Sang in the shower? -- Yes.
52. Made love in a park? -- Yes.
53. Had a dream that you married someone? -- Yes
54. Glued your hand to something? -- Yes
55. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? -- No.
56. Ever gone to school partially naked? -- No.
57. Been a cheerleader? -- Yes.
58. Sat on a roof top? -- Yes.
59. Didn't take a shower for a week? -- Yes. (ash, what about Temagami?)
60. Ever too scared to watch scary movies alone? -- Yes.
61. Played chicken? -- No
62. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? -- Yes. (grr)
63. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? -- Yes.
64. Broken a bone? -- No.
65. Been easily amused? -- Yes.
66. I shall hunt you down. ??? WHat???

67. Mooned/flashed someone? -- Yes.
68. Cheated on a test? -- Yes.
69. Forgotten someone's name? -- Yes!
70. Slept naked? -- Yes.
71. Gone skinny dipping? -- Yes
Where are you, ooh ooh, ooh ooh, 72?

73. gotten drunk? -- Yes.
74. Played a prank on someone? -- Yes.
75. Gone to a late night movie? -- Yes.
76. Made love to anything not human? -- No.
77. Failed a class? -- No.
78. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat? -- Yes.
79. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours straight? -- No.
80. Cheated on a girl/boyfriend? -- Yes
81, verily, where art thou?
82. Thrown strange objects? -- No.
83. Felt like killing someone? -- No
.84. Felt like running away? -- Yes.
85. Ran away? -- Yes.
86. Did drugs? -- Yes.
87. Had detention and not attend it? -- No.

The Crazy 88 has gone missing.

89. Made a parent cry? -- Yes.
90. Cried over someone? -- Yes.
91. Had sex more than 10 times in one day? -- No.
92. Dated someone more than once? -- Yes.
93. Had/Have a dog? -- No.

94 sucks because it is missing.

95. Own an instrument? -- Yes.
96. Been in band? -- No.
97.Drank 25 sodas in 1 day? -- No.
98. Broken a CD? -- Yes.
99. Shot a gun? -- No.
100. Had feelings for one of your best/good friends? -- Yes.

I am not mocking the pro con list! I actually think the list will come out in my favor!

2006-04-04T21:50:00.000-05:00

I love lists, I'm such a nerd. I've tried making one for the summer but I haven't really even got started. I remember this time last year I counted the weekends that were left until september and I attempted to try something cool on each one. I'm pretty sure that didn't happen - although I remember going to Green Day, the casino, Guelph, a couple of Jay's games but there was a bunch more things to do on my list that never got done. I should drag it out.

I'm still toying with the idea of summer school. I need to decide by April 21st so not much pressure there until a bit later.

Today's essay: The influence children have on their communities. Except 2500 words to fill it in. Not to shabby. It's actually due friday but I want to have it finished my tomorrow at 1.

I know I've mentioned this before but I think I'm in love with Logan from Gilmore Girls. I know a lot of people don't like him but he's practically my ideal guy! He's smart, witty, funny, a gentleman, incredibly cute and well, he also is a bit wealthy. Do these guys exist in real life? I don't care what people say, he's clearly head over heels in love with Rory. I just hope she doesn't mess it up with her new weird, I'm not going to call, attitude. I definitely forgive him for the cheating because in his mind they weren't together. They hadn't talked for like a month - who's in a relationship and doesn't talk for a month. He was just a confused guy.

Okay I need to actually work and stop posting. Unfortunately Linds and I didn't make it to Starbucks yesterday but today is a sure thing so I've got that to look forwards to :) 7 hours!

YAY

2006-04-04T09:41:00.000-05:00

Okay, so these pictures are from January (yes... January...) but I figured they pretty much show what we're doing here today. In case you don't know the top one is me. Yes I look stressed out, I think I was actually talking to someone on msn, lol, but that is pretty much my look today. Linds pretty much looks that way too.

Linds and I just decided to have our essays finished by 4:30 and if we do then we have time to go to starbucks for a coffee before class... oh. It's on. No nap for me today. Yay!!!

"Tears and fears and feeling proud"

2006-04-04T09:19:00.000-05:00

That's Heather and I after the game - we forgot to take a picture inside and you know me and my pictures - I need to have something adequate to scrapbook with. The raptors got over 100 points so we got free pizza - I didn't want to cash in though because then they'd take my ticket and I need it for my scrapbook. It's just going to have to wait! The picture on the left is our first attempt at a picture, it just didn't cut it for either of us... so after many more attempts we went with the more silly picture on the right!!

I have no idea how I've found the time to post today but apparently I need to - it's cathartic. It's just going to get it all our for me and then I can just stop thinking and focus on women in Medieval Drama plays. My essay is due at 7 and I've got the proposal finished - I'm not worried and hoping to fit an hour or so nap in. If not I'll just crash at 8... tomorrow's an early morning too. *sigh* I was up at 6 today!! Tomorrow's essay of the day is children's literature and I'm discussing orphans in two children's books. Then Thursday's essay of the day is more children's literature and I'm comparing the novel Matilda to the movie - I'm looking forward to that one! Then it's friday and I get to go home and hopefully have a relaxing weekend. Maybe see some people I haven't seen in a while, we'll see. I think Lara and I have coffee planned for our usual time. Saturday I think Mique, Madds, Mike, Fiona, Ben and I are going into a little Hawaiian themed shin-dig at Heather's res. Should be ... interesting... I think the plan is to all crash there but well I'm not so sure I see that happening.

I'm still thinking about this whole summer thing. Thankfully I have until April 17th - I can barely process my thoughts for my essays right now let alone what I want to do. I can't wait until these next 4 days are over and I can find the time to sort out my thoughts/feelings. There's a whole other tension/stress in the house and though it may seem trivial and petty to some people it's very evident to others. When I walk into the house I can just feel the tension, it's very uncomfortable.

Linds and I have been talking things out a lot over the past week - it's been really good. I feel that my vocabulary has increased to ten times the amount. I keep throwing in words I don't usually use - it must be all the books and essays finally kicking in! I feel intelligent. haha. It's a little funny because some of them I'm not sure how to pronounce so Linds and I will sit there and repeat them a few times until we find the right way. We're such great English majors :P.

Alright time to start Medieval Drama ...

Damnit.

2006-04-03T16:11:00.000-05:00

I wrote this great post and then it all went away. SO frustrating. It was really neat because I was really upset and the beginnign of it and then as I calmed down I stopped being a brat and started to look at the other side of things.

Basically three weeks ago I was going to drop out of Trent and my program because I was sick of dealing with Peterborough. Instead Linds and I came up with the solution of me getting my a general degree rather than an honors. Then I wouldn't have to make up the courses I've dropped and I would still be able to go to Queen's. Well. Apparently my parentals cannot handle this.

Dad came home today and pretty much told me I couldn't say no. I had a hissy fit. I only ever have two months where I can possibly live at home and I really enjoy those months. I like to be able to catch up with my friends and be close to them for once. We don't even have the money to pay off the tuition we still owe from this year, how on earth are we suppose to pay for summer courses?! Um, not happening. Well. Daddy dearest thinks I'm using that as an excuse and then of course in my mothers eyes it's dad's fault that I'm doing this - so I'm pretty sure he's desperately trying to make it not appear that way.

He said if I don't get an honors I'm going to be failing on some level and pulling a "Bennett" - whatever that means. He said he's proud of me and he loves me and he doesn't want to see me do this. At that point I started crying, mostly because of frustrating and a bit because I felt incredibly disappointed in myself.

So I started thinking... Dad does pay for my education and my way through my education. Is it really fair of me to not let him have some say in what I do? Yes I am an adult but I rely on him like a child. Afteral, he only has my best interests at heart. I mean taking a credit or two in May/June wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I've heard summer courses are more relaxed and if anything it would at least broaden my horizons a little.

Linds would also be happy to have me there and we could clean up the yard and the patio like we've day dreamed :P.

Well.. I've looked into it. Let's just say I'm not writing it off yet.

I do really want to come home though. But I guess we don't always get what we want.

Alright, I can think this through... I'm not a failure I know that much.

I could take Spanish - that would be cool.

I just added up the costs so I'll go back to him with that and then see how he feels :P.

You know, all in all I am glad I've had parents who have pushed me because in the end I think no matter how frustrated I am it will all have been for the best.

Stupid!!!

2006-03-08T13:41:00.000-06:00

I have to drop a course by Friday - otherwise it goes on my record and I can't have it go on my record- but I can't until my tuition is paid... which can't be paid until the following friday. So that left me in a bit of a pickle. Then they gave me a number to contact... so I tried that number and guess what! She's out of town until the 16th. Lol, oh the timing! So ah. How annoying is that? So her machine gave me an alternate number which then told me to press a number for whatever I needed except that I have no freaking clue which number to press because none of them are specific enough. Eh. I'm going to see my senior tutor tomorrow anyway, I'm sure she'll be able to help me!!

On a side, I just called Lara's cell and got her machine... she's changed it and now it says "CONGRATULATIONS you've reached Lara's machine..." lol I laughed so hard hearing it - it was perfect timing because it go me before I got incredibly frustrated over this stupid school thing!!

Pictures!!

2006-03-08T00:23:00.000-06:00

Heather, Dave, Mique and I in Ottawa after our dinner!!

Heather, Mique and I on our way back from our trip to Ottawa!! We took this in Prescott (??) at our Tim Hortons stop! We're all so zonked! Mique's eyes are closed too :(

"Knock me down till we see eye to eye"

2006-03-07T13:24:00.000-06:00

Today Jenn and I drove to Orillia to pick up a friend of her's who needed a lift back to Peterborough. It was pretty fun. We vented about boys, sang along to music and talked about how we needed to get laid. lol. Joking, ... kind of :P. It was too funny. Everything became references. We were having a coffee and a man came and gave us the things he won on his roll up the rim cup - there were two and he said there was one for each of us. That felt wierd.

I was up really late last night. TJ came into my room and we talked until 3 - yikesabee. He cracks me up. He took away my He's Just Not That Into You book. Just so it's known my dear older sister bought that for me for my birthday. T.J. said it's a bunch of crap and he wants to write a book, it will have one page and just say "Talk to him"... or something to that effect. Teej really thinks girls are mental cases. But that's okay because the feeling is mutual :P.

I've got class today - boo urns. I missed my morning class going on the drive with Jenn but that was okay because we just watched a movie. Jenn's going to drive me up to campus for my next boring old seminar, then I have a meeting with Linds and then I have another class later tonight. Then I think Teej, Jenn and I are going to watch The Notebook. Which means I'll cry my eyes out and Jenn will have one single tear. ... I'm just so sensitive ;).

So home this weekend... don't really have many plans except to see Mike, give him a happy birthday hug and his cookies. Mique said something about some interesting plans but I'm really not sure they'll fly. Who knows. I'm sure I'll find something to fill my Saturday night though.

So College profs are on strike now - which means I have two bored housemates around! I know Jenn is pretty pissed. So is T.J. Cause if the strike goes on their classes just get pushed back which means they have to be here longer which cuts into their work-over-the-summer time which means less money... which is not cool. I hope it doesn't go on too long.

My friday night plans are so exciting at the moment. We plan of having our Medieval Drama group over to read through our scripts... oohhh hot stuff! Jenn and I did talk about possibly going out afterwards though. I want to dance!!

Okay, class time... *sigh* :)

It's the freakin' weekend baby I'm about to have me some fun

2006-03-05T08:37:00.000-06:00

So it's the sunday morning after... :P, thankfully I'm not hungover - well because we didn't drink. But I had such an amazing time anyway! Friday Heather came up and both of us were tired so we caught up had a good dinner and then went to bed... really, it was so exciting. Then we woke up Saturday and wondered what to do with out day. I suggested going to Mexico (as a joke...) and we decided to see how long it would take to get there. As it turns out there's a Mexico in New York that would have been doable for a roadtrip. We searched the town and there didn't seem to be anything interesting there so decided to find somewhere else. Then I mentioned how I'd never been to Ottawa before and there was our decision. But first... to see if we could get someone else to come. For some reason we immediately thought of Mique and then came upon the quest of finding out how to get a hold of her as she wasn't answering our repeated MSNs! So we called the Sami's to get her number, no answer. We called Maddie, she didn't have it anymore. Heather looked up Mique's residence (which she got of facebook, lol) and we called the front desk who connected us! (yay!!) Mique was shocked and totally up for it so off Heather and I went on our trip to Kingston - Ottawa.

It was a really nice day for a drive and we arrived in Kingston a couple of hours later - calling Mique from her parking lot. We went in, saw her room, grabbed some snacks and were back on the road.... the road only went to Pete and Sean's house though. We decided to stop by and see what was going on. Pete was the only one there so we chatted with him for a while (I hadn't seen him since Thanksgiving) and eventually had to move on to our trek to Ottawa.

Once on the road I called Dave's cell again to see if he was around. But no answer :( so we just kept driving. We had made a list of the must do's in Ottawa... Parliment, the canal, and beavertails, (and hopefully see someone). We took the scenic route to Ottawa... and I'm not just saying that... there was actually a sign that said "scenic route". It ended up taking longer and confusing us. So one we found downtown I called Cassy, Dave's girlfriend, and asked if he had a number other than his cell. He did! Yay! So we got a hold of Dave. Lol, I called him and said "Guess where I am!" and he had no idea who it was but didn't want to get in trouble, so he just said I don't know... then he figured it was me when I said in Ottawa. We decided to meet on the canal.

So we went to Parliment took some pictures infront of Parliment and that was the extent of my Parliment visit. Then we walked over to the canal met up with Dave and got beavertails... which I had never had before and I'm not sure I understand the fuss, but they were good! Then we met up with Laura and Brad (two of D's friends) and some of their friends and all went out to dinner at this pub. We had to leave after that to get back to Kingston so we could get back to Peterborough at a reasonable time. So then we began our journey back. We called Sean on the way to see what he was up to that night, he had plans and we decided to try to get a hold of each other later.

Our drive home was very draining and it felt like we were losing Monique- so we stopped at a Timmies. Honestly, just the sight of possible caffeine had Mique bouncing off the walls and we were all soon the lovely bunch we were when we started out. We got back to Kingston and hung out in Mique's res for a while. I laughed really really hard at this guy named Josh... I felt the need to add that only because he was so funny and he said he liked me because I laughed at his jokes. Which was just more funny - keep in mind how much driving had been done and how incredibly exhausted we were at this point!! I laugh at everyone's jokes though so eh. (Like in my seminar the other day the prof said his wife has one joke: What did the fish say when he swam into a brick wall?... dam" I'm pretty sure I'm the only one in the class who laughed a little bit, but it was funny, in a stupid way). Anyway, off topic.

So, Heather and I started our journey back to my place making another Timmies stop along the way. Got back and were zonked so we went to bed.

And that was my Saturday :)

If only Sunday were to be half as exciting!

Phew

2006-03-03T11:06:00.000-06:00

Well, last night I had a minor freak out. Just a minor one though... well actually maybe a bit more. Doesn't matter though because I realized how much I was overreacting and I've come back down to earth. I guess sometimes life just starts to go really fast and we're left looking around wondering what the hell is going on. I started to write a blog last night and then my computer crashed ... thankfully... it was just so negative and probably not the best way to be looking at things.

Landon actually ended up calling to, which was really weird because we hadn't talked for a while. Thankfully he listened to me vent about absolutely everything and his perspective helped me. Helped me by completely pushing me in the opposite direction (which I think is where I want to go..). He told me it sounded like I needed a break from school and that maybe I should just take a year off and work for a year. Really that's not feasible with my program and with where I am in life right now but I guess hearing him suggest it even helped me want to go the right way. It was also just nice to have someone who didn't think that that was failing. Eh. I had a horrible sleep, lol, and then woke up feeling motivated to finish my paper and go to class, so I guess we'll see.

Heather is coming up tonight (yay) I have no idea what we're going to do, probably just chill and relax but it should be nice. Or fun. Maybe one night we'll hit up the Peterborough bars - but we'll see. Who knows!

Today I had my seminar for Children's Lit and I actually had really enjoyed the book that we read in class, but then my prof totally put a different spin on it and that sucked A LOT. I thought it was a nice happy book with a happy ending and happy lessons. However he took the whole book and pulled it apart saying it was completely divided my racism and our white minds couldn't even grasp it. He then went on to say Trent is the most-white school he has ever been to. Hmm. Anyway, I wasn't offended at all by his comments because everything he said made sense and I had only been looking at it from my angle. Oh well. We also found out that when he went to Queen's he had a Thursday night seminar and they all used to drink during their seminar. Apparently they would do the fruit juice and booze cocktail things and get progressively drunk during their seminar. Sounds fun. We contemplated doing that however our seminar is at 11am so we decided maybe not.

So Gilmore Girls. Yes, Gilmore Girls... shows once again that men are pricks. Sorry to generalize like that guys ;). Anyway. Logan cheats on Rory - or did he? I mean technically they were on a break. But really, what is a break? Brings back the whole Ross-Rachel dilemma. I'm excited for the next episode as well because I need to know what happens. I really like Rory and Logan together!

Speaking of Logan... if you watch Veronica Mars you'll understand how much I am in love with him. Well, in all honesty it must be in the name because I love them both. It couldn't be that they're both smart, witty, funny and cute, look great in suits and um are quite weathly, though, that's not it at all. It must just be the name :P. Back to Veronica Mars though. I left Sarah being quite obsessed with the show. She watches an episode every night before bed.

I need a nap, maybe I'll sleep a little better now.

Back in Peterborough :(

2006-03-01T22:31:00.000-06:00

And unfortunately I'm back in Peterborough. I was listening to Liz Phair today and I started to wonder about her lyrics for Why Can't I... so I looked them up. I was curious about a certain part cause I couldn't figure out what it said. Turns out it says "Here we go we're at the beginning/ We haven't fucked yet but my heads spinning"... wow. See they don't beep out the fucked, at least I don't think they do, and I've never encountered a radio edit... hm intersting. As intersting as that can be anyway ;).

So I'm back in Peterborough and as much as I was dreading it, it's not SO bad. I mean yes it's cold and I have to walk everywhere, and yes there are classes to attend. But I do have a couple friends here I get to catch up with and that's a perk at least. I also think I'm stuck here longer than I intended. I wanted to go home for March 10th but it's looking like that isn't going to happen... I have to meet my future roomate and then do a group project. :( Really sucks. But who knows, usually I find time to go home, it's very unlike me not to.

I had some things to say when I started this but they're all gone now... Guess that's that ;)

Last day

2006-02-25T11:31:00.000-06:00

It's really so so sad to leave here. I just feel so at home I guess. I don't want to leave poor Sarah alone either, we have a good system going here.
Today we're driving to Calgary. It's a 3 hour drive from here and we drive through Banff, it's actually a really, really pretty drive. Then we're staying at my Aunt and Uncle's house and having a nice dinner with them and hopefully *crosses fingers* my cousin and her new baby!! Which really excites me ;)
Sarah is feeling all worried because we didn't do anything cool when I was here... but I think that this trip was awesome anyway. So good to spend time with Sar and meet her friends and get a taste of her life out here. :)
The other day there was a creepy old man here hitting on Sarah and I was on msn on my laptop. I knew he was a creep and she was a little uncomfortable with him around so I just sat here on msn the whole time while they talked. It was kind of funny. Afterwards Sarah and I were talking about it and she said that everytime he said something slimey or creepy I would look up and give him a dirty look or a look that just said "what the hell is wrong with you?". She said she felt really comfortable and was glad I was there though :P. I didn't even realize I was giving him those looks but I'm glad I did anyway.

Find comfort in pain

2006-02-25T02:26:00.000-06:00

It's so weird... I should never stay up late because that's when I start thinking or bad things happen. (Some of the time anyway). The last two nights I've stayed up late and that's just not ended up good. It's the wierdest feeling to sit here and cry and be in pain but at the same time not be pained. I don't know, it's the hardest feeling to explain. I know I've cried and been torn up so many nights and I've gotten through it all so maybe this is just comfortable for me in some ways? I'm not sure if that makes sense but I guess it doesn't really need to.
Why are people always nice to you after the fact or that moment too late? My situation involves a certain friend who pretty much I had written off... they stopped calling or really caring/responding when I called, they got on with their life. I came out west and thought "if they don't try to get in touch with me by calling or e-mailing I'll know I can just forget about them." So I stopped calling and trying and waited. It didn't take all that long for them to start calling me and missing me and trying to get my attention.
Now I feel like crap in someways because I don't think I want or need them in my life anymore... that time has just past and as much as I care for them it's just not the same. So then they tell me they miss me and I feel guilty for not feeling the same way. and I hurt. I physically hurt for knowing they still care for me because I don't want them to if I don't. I don't want them to think about me or to miss me or to feel lonely without me. When I was there it wasn't a big deal and I was practically ignored... at least thats how it felt. I hate stupid situations like this. I wish everyone could just realize what they had and show the people around them how much they are needed and cared for. If you like it when someone calls you, clearly, by repeatidly brushing them off when they do is not the way to show it.
Tonight is my last sleep in my oh so comfy bed downstairs at my sisters. I don't think it's really even clicked that I'm going home... I just feel so comfortable here. I'm going to bawl my eyes out leaving. I hate leaving. Especially poor Sarah cause she lives all alone and after spending numerous days here while Sar is at work I've realized it can be pretty lonely.
Well I need my beauty sleep. ;)

Yay!!

2006-02-24T16:23:00.000-06:00

Well yay is pretty much the only way I can think of expressing my emotions at this moment in time... lol... My cousin and I had a huge heart to heart talk over Christmas break and it pretty much helped her find her way and discover herself and everything - which is SO exciting! I'm so proud of her for going out and doing everything she had to and now she's on the complete right track and happy. I couldn't be happier for her.
I saw her with her nephew and she was so darling and amazing with him I suggested for her to go into education or something like that because it would probably make her happy and I believe kids need a person like her in their lives. So she's looked into and has started volunteering at a school and had an interview for a program at Sheridan and I'm just so glad that she's found this part of herself. She's getting encouragement from other sources too, which is just what she needs!
So, YAY!!!

hugs

2006-02-22T11:31:00.000-06:00

This is the view my sister gets to see every morning when she wakes up. Me too for the next 2 -3 mornings. :)

It's been such a relaxing stay here - maybe a little too relaxing ;) but it's been really great. Sarah had Mikel over last night and we had a nice dinner all together then afterwards we watched a couple of episodes of Veronica Mars - if you can believe it I had actually forgotten how great the show was! It's so addictive. I love Veronica's character she's so smart and offbeat. It's so sad that I get so addicted to T.V shows. But really it's just V. Mars and Gilmore Girls. Which I sadly missed last night - though Jenn was going to tape it for me.

So last night Mikel was leaving and Sarah and him were saying good-bye and I was in the room - this is kind of funny because I wasn't sure if I should leave them alone or if it would be rude if I just said bye and walked away. This morning he called Sarah and was all worried because he thought maybe he should have given me a hug and that's why I was hanging around. Meanwhile I was just trying to be polite. But it's funny how we worry about things like that. I probably would wonder the same thing. I know sometimes I do wonder if I should have hugged them, or kissed them or whatever. Especially with Linds' family - normally they all just hug me but sometimes we don't and then I worry. That's probably the stupidest thing to worry about though - you know when there's poverty, hunger, homelessness. :P

Actually, funny story, kind of anyway. At Mr. Sami's 50th birthday party Mr. Clark was there (Heather's dad). I'm very close with Heather and Mr. Clark and I have celebrated numerous things together (haha, mostly dinners at the Sami's) Anyhow, he was leaving and went to shake my hand, then kind of looked at me and said "We can do better!" and gave me a hug. It was cute. Then the next night was New Years and I was at Heather's house and we were all hugging because it was midnight and he went to shake my hand again, and then said the same thing laughing. So we hugged :)

My brother doesn't hug us at all. Unless he's drunk. Twice I've gotten good hugs out of him while he's been drinking. Once was my birthday. The other time was kind of an emotional breakdown we both had, we had both been drinking of course. Well the emotional breakdown was kind of him - I had never seen him upset or cry before and he was and he's not a huggy person (at all) and I didn't know what to do because normally if I attempted to hug him he'd push me away. So I hugged him and he just cried, it rips up my heart thinking about it actually. Then we talked until the sun came up. Can't say we ever had done that before or did it again. Sarah and I were watching Friends and we were marvelling over how close Monica and Ross are, like they kiss each other or kind of cuddle. Sarah just kept saying "Can you imagine doing that with Mike?" I really, really can't. Until recently I thought no one touched him - then I met his girlfriend and well they don't stop holding hands or cuddling or being all lovey dovey. As repulsive as it is I'm just glad he's happy.

entertaining myself ;)

2006-02-21T23:57:00.000-06:00

1. Describe the best feeling you've ever had: teaching someone something new
2. Do you wish on stars: yes. and right now I can see a lot of amazing ones :)
4. Which finger is your favorite? haha, my ring finger.
5. When did you last cry: earlier today.
6. Do you like your handwriting: Usually it's okay.
8. Any bad habits: numerous :P, one being my addiction to msn!
9. What is your most embarrassing Cd: hmm the first 4 backstreet boys?
10. If you were another person, would you be friends with you and why or why not? Yes... I think I'm fun enough, but my view is a little skewed.
11.Are you a daredevil?: I have little moments that might be a little more risky.
13. Do looks matter: No, but some level of attraction is good.
15. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow: No.
16 - 18 is missing.
19. Where is your second home: Hmm the Sami's ;) or Peterborough.
20. Do you trust others easily: Pretty easily, yes.
21. What was your favorite toy as a child: My barbies :)
22. What class in school do you think is totally useless: I don't really think any of them are useless.
23. Do you like sappy love songs: Yes!
25. Do you have a journal: yes.
28. What do you look for in a guy/girl?: Loyalty, passion, humor, sensitivity, intelligence.
29. What are your nicknames? Bem, Erm, Sperm, Clutzy
31. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off : I don't often wear tie up shoes.
32. What are you worried about right now: Financial issues, my family, my friends.
33. Do you ever wear overalls? Nope.
34. Do you think you are strong? Physically- that's actually laughable. Emotionally I have my moments.
35. What's your favorite ice cream flavor: Cookies n cream or cookie dough.
36.What's your favorite color: Pink
37.What is your least favorite thing in the world: Cheaters.
38. How many wisdom teeth do you have: two so far, I think.
39. How many people like YOU right now: like like me? Haha, I don't know. Hopefully at least one somewhere out there.
40. Who do you miss most right now: a friend of mine.
41. Do you want everyone you sent this to send it back? n/a
42. What are your fears: Being alone forever, losing the people I love, not being sucessful, not being able to have kids.
43. Favourite Song? Feels Like Home, What am I to you?, Goodbye My Lover
44. Listening to rite now? watching Veronica Mars with my sister and Mikel.

Through the dark there is light

2006-02-21T19:37:00.000-06:00

Don't ask about the title, it's just lyrics to a song.

So weird because I was thinking about how I started up my blog again and I was going to write in it a lot more and then I didn't... so I decided to post something, anything and had all these random ideas. Then I got here, and I'm ready to write but I don't know what to say. I think I've been having a really off day today. Just one of those down on yourself type days. It's all so stupid.

So reading week has been pretty good so far, very low key and relazing. Just hanging out at Sarah's. I've had the chance to see Sarah's friend Mikel a lot - which is cool because I hadn't seen him for four years, I think he's coming over to dinner again tonight.

Actually I guess I've learned a few things about myself on this trip... Sarah and I were talking and we think that I'm dad's favorite so I asked if she knew why she thought that. She then told me it was because mom hated me when I was a kid. (Um, ouch, yes). Apparently I was just like my mom and we clashed . So from what she said there would be times where my dad would have to step in and stand up for me, thus creating our bond. Hm. Interesting theory.

I've also learned that apparently I am unapproachable. Apparently, Maddie, my little sister, is more approachable than me. How so? I have no idea. Maddie is the most judgemental person in my family! (I love her, I do, but its true, and she admits to it too!) Anyway, apparently she's just Ms. approachable. It's kind of weird because I was once told I was unapproachable before - I definitely don't like that but I'm not sure what I do that makes me so scary.

And the last thing I've learnt is that my sister's ex-boyfriend liked Maddie better than me which is why he didn't get me a Christmas present, even though he gave one to Madds. In all honesty Madds didn't like it and gave it to me anyway... but. Ouch. Sarah seems to be the fountain of all crappy news for me. I'm questioning why I flew all the way out here now! (haha, kidding).

So I guess this visit to see Sar has gotten me a little confused. I'm feeling really insecure right now.

It's really scary too look at marriages that fall apart and think that those people loved each other so much at one point in their lives but that just wasn't enough. Something changed or happened and now they don't want to be together anymore. So then how do we know what's ever for sure?

It's also so scary to look at two people who are clearly in love but aren't actually together for whatever reason. I don't get it.

All smiles :)

2006-02-09T15:32:00.000-06:00

I'm in a really good mood today, I'm not going to talk about why but it's really just nice! I also want to thank Ash... (who might be the only one who reads this anyway, lol) for doing whatever she did to make my blog look cool! Thanks hun.

Yesterday I was on the bus and I noticed that probably half the people were listening to music, me included. It's so funny to look around and see all these people completely in their own little worlds, I kind of wonder what they're listening to.

I also know that when I have my ear phones in I'm oblivious to the rest of the world, I'm off daydreaming or thinking everything through. Now I'm kind of wondering about the safey or even just the etiquette of it all. I know walking with music blaring in your ears at night is probably not the best idea due to safety. And I'm sure if my mom knew I was doing it she would completely regret giving me the IPod for Christmas. The other question I kind of have is it really polite to sit there and be completely unaware of what's going on around you? I know for me I definitely zone out, but the music just makes everything else seem much more upbeat.

flashback...

2006-02-07T10:45:00.000-06:00

wow, I just read over a bunch of my old blogs and I have to say in some ways I feel like a completely new person... but in others it just all felt so me. I guess that was like reading a journal, minus the names, a few times I couldn't figure out who I had been talking about. Specifically I wrote about someone who said I wasn't going to last in my program. Reading that made me so incredibly angry. I can't believe someone would say that to me, especially someone who knew me. Well, here I'm still going at it. But wanting to know who had so little faith, I have a pretty good idea... surprise, surprise he's never really been the encouraging type. And after all... eh, I'm not going to get into it or rant - you live and you learn. :)

Okay, now after completely procrastinating... back to my presentation!!

Been a while!

2006-02-07T09:42:00.000-06:00

So I guess I never updated after my summer...oh well.. the people who read this probably know for the most part what I did. Babysat, taught kids swimming, made people subs -nothing overally exciting. Well, throw in a Green Day concert and a Backstreet Boys concert... and of course the games nights and we have ourselves a summer! That seems like forever ago.
Since then I've been back at Trent, living with Jenn, Linds and TJ. I've switched my major to English, however doing so I might have screwed myself over - go me! It's been a pretty good semester so far. Had my first stressful attack but I've past that now, kind of. Mmm maybe not so much. I need an escape.

Okay, I stoles this from Ash's blog... I don't know how to do the link thingy so here's here blog ashleyrose15.blogspot.com!

Four jobs I've had
1. Stephen's Bay Swimming Instructor (most favorite job ever!)
2. Subway. (Eh. Only cause I love Debbie and Mags).
3. Bracebridge Culture and Rec... (lifegaurd, camp councellor and swimming instructor... overworked and underpaid :P).
4. Janet Barber Aquatics! (Best boss ever, loved teaching swimming there too!)

Four movies I can watch over and over
1. The Notebook - somehow I cry a lot everytime.
2. Mighty Ducks 3 - Ash, you reminded me of it and I love it so much.
3. Oaklahoma - random, don't ask.
4. Pirates of the Caribbean - I love it :)
(quite the selection...lol)

Four places I have lived
1. Oakville... for ever.
2. Bracebridge.. all summers
3. Peterborough... for school.
4. I will have lived in Kingston after '07/'08

Four TV shows I love
1. Gilmore Girls... that's a given!
2. Veronica Mars!!
3. Friends
4. Ellen

Four places I’ve vacationed
1. Florida
2. My cottage... we didn't go on trips, just went to the cottage.. lol.
3. Invermere... visiting Sarah, and I'm going again in 10 sleeps!
4. Italy... Venice and Riva Del Garda - not much of a vaction, but it was awesome!

Four of my favorite dishes
1. Mom's roast beef!!
2. Mom's lasagne.
3. Mom's stew.
4. Mom's tuna casserole.
... I miss my mom... :(

Four sites I visit daily
1. ishape.com
2. trentu.com
3. ashleyrose15.blogspot.com, lol
4. hvclark.blogspot.com, lol.

Four places I would rather be right now
1. asleep
2. cuddling
3. out west already.
4. at home with my mommy, lol.

I don't like that that was the last one. Now that's what I'm thinking about!!
Okay I have a presentation to prepare for... blah! I need something fun.

Summer so far...

2005-05-23T17:03:00.000-05:00

So far my summer hasn't been all that special - at least I can say I've done something semi-interesting each weekend!
My first weekend back I went to Hamilton with Landon to go and see Lindsay and Fink, we went to a bar, had a few drinks, pretty much chilled and talked - so it was interesting!
My 2nd weekend back I had a double with Fink and Lindsay again. We hung at Fink's house and made dinner and watched a movie, played pool. It was alright. I felt like an old married couple though. Jaime, Ash, Cassy and I went to see A Lot like Love... it was really cute.
My third weekend back was a Peterborough weekend, Landon and I went up friday and we met Lindsay and packed and packed and packed. Then Jenn got there and we packed a bit more then crashed. Troy came up late and then we woke up at 7 to move. So we moved and were finished my 11:30!! Then just hung out in our new house and drank, it was nice! I love our new house.
My forth weekend being finished school I went to Niagara to go to the Casino - with Landon and his friends. It was pretty fun, although I lost 50$. I definately can see how people go broke. I was addicted to the slots. However, I had restraint!! I left with my other 50$ in my wallet. I could have attempted to make my money back, but I wasn't prepared to risk it. We then went to Hooters, my first time, it really wasn't all that - our waitress was about 40 - nice legs for a 40 year old though, hehehe. But that's about it...
My 5th weekend back I went to Guelph with Landon to go to Ben's who was having a little gathering. It was actually really, really fun. There were fireworks, and people shooting fireworks at each other, and singing, and chasing. It was hilarious. The next night Lara, Landon and Nick came over and we played scrabble and drank in the back yard. It was very relaxing and nice.

There are 15 weekends until the summer ends and I intend to use each of them for something. I've done okay so far! Hopefully I'll go see my roomies in Keswick for a weekend... I still want to go to Canada's Wonderland, and African Lion Safari, and the zoo, and Niagara falls and a Jay's game. That's my list!! I've hung out with Landon's friend's more than my own which gets to me a little. Hopefully I'll be able to see them more often, aka, tomorrow? at the Jay's game... hehe.

AHHH

2005-05-02T16:21:00.000-05:00

This is so frustrating! My portable is having the absolutely worst connection possible and it's driving me crazy as I sit here on hold. Oi!! I've had to call both Rogers and Cogeco today, thankfully it hasn't been as painful as it usually is. I think Cogeco might actually do what I want, which would be AWESOME. And they did! Yay, not often something like that happens!
So my mom and Maddie just got home, mom is in a horrible mood so then Maddie is also in a horrible mood. Which sucks. But whatever. Dad is in the tv room watching the news. He's pretty much deaf which is a pain in the ass because I'm going to go deaf having to listen to the news that loudly!
Maddie just told me a recent study shows that frequent/daily use of computers drops your IQ MORE than frequent use of marijuana. I personally disagree with with the study supports, lol, I think it's all relative and related to what you actually use the computer for. But what do I know, I didn't conduct the study!

He's just not that into you!

2005-04-21T17:17:00.000-05:00

I was just sitting here thinking, pretty much just daydreaming when I suddenly started to question the whole guys like it when the girls make the first move. It should be noted that I'm currently in a great relationship with a guy who I asked out (the first time, lol).
In my experince it has never really worked for me to make the first move. It either isn't all that good a fling or the guy ends up being a creep. Maybe I just have bad taste, but maybe only the good guys will make the first move?
This summer I spilt my guts to this guy I liked, kind of stupid of me, and I fell hard, but meh, I'm over it now, but I totally put myself out there. I guess it happens to all of us. Later on in the summer another guy asked one of my friends about me, I went right up to him and just said, "so you want my number?" Well he turned out to live in a box and be a creep. We won't get into details! Numero three was a guy at school near the beginning of the year. We exchanged numbers and I decided to get the guts up to call him (go me!). Well apparently by me calling him and asking him to hang out he thought I meant " PLEASE, come over and DO me." That was awkward. I just kind of wanted to get to know him. So my question is... do guys prefer girls to make the first move? Or if they actually like the girl enough will they do it? You'd think if the guy actually really liked the girl he'd just go for it and take the plunge. As far as I've seen from my guy friends they all seem to take the first step, but is that the case with all guys? Do they all not care about rejection?
I'm starting to think that if the guy likes you and you've given him your number he'll just take the plunge, so I guess, if he doesn't call that would pretty much mean he's just not that into you.

You always know the perfect things to say

2005-04-19T13:13:00.000-05:00

I really wish I was quicker and better with words, some people are so witty and say the most amazing things at the right time, I clearly do not. I'm a flustery person and half the time I can't even get what I'm trying to say out! This weekend I said something somewhat quick, but it was probably the meaniest thing I've ever said. I guess alcohol does that! My point is, I really wish I could say the right thing in the moment, whether it be flirty and saucy or bitchy and mean. I'm the type of person who always thinks of the perfect thing to say right after - when it wouldn't even apply anymore.
I'm thinking of You've Got Mail right now, when Meg Ryan talks about how she doesn't ever say or know what to say and she thinks of it afterwards, except for this one instance where she says the perfect thing in retort, of course it ends up being bitch and she regrets it. I'm not one for living with regret though, so meh!
There are just sometimes I'm having a conversation with someone and I could say the funniest or flirtiest thing but it doesn't come to me until afterwards, instead I kind of studder around it. It always happens when I'm in a fight to, right after the fight I think "why the heck did I not say that, it would have been perfect." Or I'll be talking to friends and they'll just say I should have said this, or that, and then I start thinking "that's so easy, why did I not think of that!!" It drives me crazy actually! I need to be quicker on my toes!

What a wonderful world!

2005-04-17T19:34:00.000-05:00

I've had the most wicked last four days of a long time, it has really been amazing!

Thursday:
Thursday was a sad day for me because it was going to be the last day I hung out with my roomies, Jenn and Linds, for about a few weeks. So Linds and I went shopping down to Lansdowne went to Chapters and saw some awesome books, hehe, on planning. We then saw our Sociology prof from last year and stalked her a little bit, lol. So to celebrate Linds' birthday we went out to Shoeless Joes with Jenn. Turns out I have a laugh which scared our waiter away, ain't that great? We were having a nice dinner celebrating and all, and got a free desert. We continued on our way home sad in our hearts because they were going home and I was staying at the apartment all alone to study. Then they decided to ask me to go and I did, obviously! That night I crashed on Linds' pull out couch with her and we discussed the mall we were going to the next day, we compared everystore to Oakville Place's. We don't know why.

Friday:
Friday I studied all morning!! Aren't you proud? So I studied, then Jenn picked us up and we went to the mall in Newmarket, we brought this chick Chrissy along to, which was cool. So we shopped for 4 hours! I bought sunglasses and Linds and I got whiny so it was time to go. Got home and called Troy, Lind's boyfriend, Linds and I decided to hang out with Troy and Mike. So we ordered a pizza, ate it with Troy and then proceeded to Mike's house to get drunk. Which we did. Oh. We did. We played Eucher and Poker, I WON POKER, guess I had awesome teachers. I don't think my glass was ever empty so I'm not even sure how many drinks I had. Apparently I was funny though. Landon called and that was apparently humerous to listen to, I was happy and then mad and then happy again. (I THINK IM STILL DRUNK, this doesn't seem to ...flow). We kept drinking, drank a lot of rum and a lot of coke and headed to bed around 4. I learned Mike snores really loudly.

Saturday:
Saturday morning we woke up and went to get breakfast, mmm breakfast. It was delicious and that was fun, so we did that and decided on the most beautiful day ever we should chill. So we chilled in Mike's backyard. Linds got burnt :(. We just drank water and sat around talking with Mike and his parents, then T.J came over as well. So that was all good. We went to Boston Pizza for dinner and then went 5-pin bowling, which was all wicked good. We (We being: Jenn, Linds, Troy, T.J. and myself) proceeded back to Jenn's house to, take a wild guess, drink. Drinking was fun, we played Kings and got TOASTED after that. Jenn's mom played with us and was HILARIOUS. It was an awesome night. Turns out I don't remember being in the bathroom for an hour, but I was. Then my new best friend came home. He's Jon Jon, actually just Jon, but Jon Jon to me. Jenn's little bro. so we all chilled. I passed out around 5, which I don't remember.

Sunday:
We did the breakfast thing again, it's a ritual which must be done! However it didn't happen until around 1pm. LOL, things got delayed a little. Went back to Linds, I attempted to study but passed out and so did Jenn, then we woke up at 4 and headed back to the P. dot.

In my head my weekend sounds SO much more fun and funny but I can't write about all the little detials because that'd be stupid. and last for like 5 years.

All in all I had one of the best weekends in while and I'm excited for 5 more sleeps to be over and the summer to be started, it's going to be one wacky summer. We planned for me to go home... that's Keswick - every few weekends or something, so that should be interesting, probably won't actually happen that way, but whatever! :)

I will feel a glow just thinking of you...

2005-04-10T21:10:00.000-05:00

No idea what the title has to do with anything, except that it's the song I'm listening to right now.
Just a quick note...Sarah, dearest sister, if you're reading this - I hear you might be, call me sometime :-P!
So my weekend was eventful but not at the same time. I didn't do much of anything but I saw a variety of old friends I hadn't seen in a while. I didn't get to have very indepth conversations or anything but it was nice to just keep in touch. Friday Ashley and I grabbed a coffee, Saturday I spent time with Madds, then grabbed a coffee with Heather, then we made dinner for Mike, Madds, Monique, Fiona and Sean, Mique's new boy. That was actually really nice. We actually sat around the table and talked, and Sean said I was smart... I'll never drop that. It felt like family like it always does, so that was awesome! Then Landon and I hung out and got in our first since we got back together, it was tearful and overlydramatic which was my fault but only because of the hormones. I've got issues especially certain weeks of the year and I kind of overreact - or don't react and then overreact, like last night. I was ticked off because Landon was late, then went to see his dad, then didn't say the right thing. But when I think about it he was trying pretty hard, when we were alone he kept asking if I was okay, he gave me a massage, yet I was still bitchy. So anyway, the fight happened and we're okay today. Right now he's at work then a Volkswagon meet then over to see me and watch Alfie. Call me crazy but I'm really happy with the way I acted when he called! He invited me to go, but, as much as I love to keep tabs on him and be narotic and not give him his space I told him to go and we could see each other after! Then he said, so it's okay if I get there at 11:15? and I was like,"If you're here by 11:30 I won't be upset!" I even gave him more time!!! LOL, so I'm crazy, leave me alone.

I've got to find a job. I think it might be Sobey's as a cashier...that's really all I can think of, I don't need a hardcorejob, just something to pay off the credit card bill and start saving for next year. I've got a possible babysitting job lined up as well. Don't know if you care ornot... lol, I just enjoy spending money too much to sit on my bum and not work.

12 days until 2nd year is officially over... I'm getting old...

I don't get it...

2005-04-04T23:46:00.000-05:00

I was watching t.v the other day and there was this documentary on weddings, it kind of went through all the processes; the engagement, the planning, picking out the dress, the bachelor/ette parties, the rehersal dinner and of course the big day. A couple of things stuck out to me... I'm sorry, but no fiance of mine is going to be having a bachelor party, at least not the kind with naked girls. They claim it's there last night of freedom, but as I recall you're still technically commited. I would just hate for that to happen, say your soon to be husband hooked up with some skanky girl just because. I mean, what does that really say about them? I just want to be sure the guy I'm marrying is interested in sleeping with me, not anyone else.
That kind of leads into my second point, according to this show between 50 - 80 % (depending where you get your sources) of men cheat on their wives... UHH WHAT? That's incredibly high, even at the low point! That's half... that means you have a 1 in 2 chance to get a guy who's going to stay loyal and faithful. It all scares me just a little. I don't ever want to deal with that pain. It's too scary.

Weekend...

2005-04-03T20:28:00.000-05:00

I went home this weekend, didn't do much of anything actually, it was pretty nice. Saw Landon which was needed and excellent. We kind of bummed around, but that's what we do best together! Thursday he picked me up from Heather's - Heather and I watched friends, played Eucher, a bunch of nothing, but nice. Friday - I'm trying to think - we must have done something - we watching Finding Neverland - very, very good movie. I really enjoyed it! Just relaxed and everything, it was nice. Saturday we drove to Grimsby so he could see his car, then it was Lara's bday! Fun, fun. We went to Jack Astors for dinner and drinks then went over to this club/bar called IT. There was karaoke. BAD. We sung I touch myself, again, BAD. lol, I SUCK, and it's soooo embarressing. All together it was just Lara, Annie, Landon, Landon's friend Mike, and myself. A little crowd but not bad. Lara got drunk, as she should on her b-day! Stupid day light savings time kind of messed up the night, but well, nothing we can do about it. We had to drive Annie's car back to Lara's so I ended up in the car with Mike, so we got to talk and we haven't really ever done that, so that was good. Poor Landon though with Annie and Lara... they were pretty drunk, tee hee hee.
Today I woke up tired, grumpy and sick! I hate coming back to school, first being driven to TO, then the bus ride, then the 15 minute walk - in all honesty it's not THAT bad, but when you aren't in the best mood, it kind of sucks. My roomies came back tonight which was awesome because I didn't expect it. We watched Arrested Development and now they're watching Anchor Man - but I don't like that movie.
Last week of classes and I'm scared. Just so, so, scared. Exams and all, oh. AHH. I can't wait to just have nothing for a while. I can't wait for a new leaf next year, a new house, everything. It'll be awesome.

Just a note on the side: I've recently been informed that Landon thinks right now is the best the relationship has ever been. I'd have to agree, that makes me happy, but sucks because of some of the surrounding conditions. Oh well :)

Firefighters, mmm mmm!

2005-03-31T09:33:00.000-06:00

Last night the firefighters at Fleming had an auction, I know one of the guys (Kev) from back home and on the weekend he mentioned I should go, so I got my roomies together and we decided to screw it and drink on a wednesday. T.J., my future roomate, didn't have to work today so he came up as well, then we got Jessie another chick we know to come out. Troy was at our house for the predrinking but didn't end up coming out! Anyhow, we got there and the auction was going on, some of the guys actually got naked, then got told they couldn't do that or they'd be shut down, so down they went to their boxers. It was awesome! We were going upstairs to get some drinks and Kev came up behind me and gave me a hug and asked if we were leaving, HELL NO. We had mucho more stuff to do :). I lost 20 dollars while I was paying my entrance fee and I was all upset, but figured I just wouldn't drink instead, well, we went back to g out to the car an hour later and there was my 20 dollars! Right where I lost it, honestly, no one noticed it, or someone else lost a 20, but I was happy! Then we bid on a guy named Chris, and that was fun, we paid 45$ for him, I'm not sure what we were suppose to get, but the whole idea was to support the firefighters. So that was wicked cool. Then he bought us some drinks, so works for me! Linds, Jenn and I were pretty drunk, it was fun, we kept telling the firefighters how noble we thought they were and everything... cause they are.... We left around 1:20 then had to get a cab back home... where we realized none of us brought keys - thankfully Troy was there so we just had to wake him up! He must have loveddd that. Then we crashed.
Today I'm not going to classes because I feel icky, it's been a while since I've been hung over. Linds and I are going to Smitty's at 1 or 2, I think, depending, I'm waiting to hear from someone and I might head home early... just because...
I'm spending the weekend with Landon... only condition is I have to go to the laudermat and wash his comforter. BOO.
Is it bad to be so sick of assignments to just want to write exams and study, I'm sick of thinking so hard!!! Only 22 more days... YIKESABEE!

okay

2005-03-30T11:55:00.000-06:00

I don't regret my blog from monday, but I should say that some of the people who I wrote about have been good friends. Maybe I am picking them apart and focusing on the negative but that's what really has been effecting me lately. Many of my friends have been there for me countless times and maybe I'm ditching them a little lately but I wish they'd be a little more understanding.

Ashley:
Ash has had some really shining moments, she's incredibly generous at times and if you need her there she can be there ASAP. She worries like she's your mom but it's only because she cares so much.

Krisitina:
K's awesome as well, she's always there to make me laugh and there to cry with me. We've been through tons of tough times and we've always managed to pull through, she's very supportive :).

My Roomies:
Jenn and Linds are both awesome and have been incredible this year, I'm not sure what I would do without them. They're always there to listen to me rant about boys, life, friends, school, family, etc. Plus, they know me for me and admire, I think, my crazy side.

Lara:
Another awesome friend who sticks up for me like there's no tomorrow. She gives me tons of strength and I'm not sure where I'd be without her. She's probably the most honest person I know.

Landon:
I think I've said enough about how great he is.

Heather:
Another person always around to listen to me rant! She's accepting and kind and those are awesome qualities.

Mike:
I don't talk to him as much as I used to but I know he's always been there for me to cry to. I can be totally natural around him and feel totally comfortable, another accepting friend.

My girls at Uni:
All very awesome for when I'm so stressed and being bitchy, they all understand and accept me, thanks girls!

Annie:
Another gal who's accepting and I can call up with anytime and she'll be an awesome friend! :)

Landon's friends:
haha, figured I'd mention them just in case! There sweet as well and make me feel welcome, I know they've been there for me when I've been upset to and I think they're really great for that.

So... I guess maybe I did pick apart my friends and say some hurtful things... at the same time they were a little hurtful to me though, but I guess you only hurt the ones you love because you care so much. Maybe now that it's out there we can all work together to fix it and make all the relationships better.
I know sometimes I'm a pretty depressing person and I'm sorry I sometimes drag people down with me. Thanks for being understanding guys.

24 days...

2005-03-29T18:57:00.000-06:00

Twenty-four days until i finish my second year, I'm so scared but excited. I can't believe it. This year has been one of my hardest years yet, but it's just flown by. I get scared sometimes, life seems to go so fast... and then what? But that's a little too philosophical for me right now - I need to focus my thinking energy into papers/exams. I can't even get over that it's tuesday night right now, this week seems to be flying by.
I'm going to be sad to leave this little apartment, it's really become home now - but at the same time next year is going to be so exciting; living with more people and my room is yellow! Which I think will go very nicely with my blue curtains, shelves and bedspread. I might have to get a new bedspread but I'm waiting to decide that, I might want to get a double bed... just a thought, I've been told I'd get a visitor more often if I did, ... haha, but I love sharing to a single bed and clinging to the person so you don't fall off!
Tomorrow night my roomies and I are going to Fleming to the firefighter auction! Kevin (one of Landon's friends) is in the program and invited me to go when I saw him this weekend, then I came back and told my roomie and she had already wanted to go, so it worked out really well! I think we're going to drink before hand or something... YAY! I can't afford to bid on anyone though - darnit - but it's good to go and support them because apparently they get no government funding or anything. I know they work really hard, Kevin was saying some stuff and I can't remember the details but it sounded incredibly intense!

What the f***?

2005-03-28T11:12:00.000-06:00

I'm so sick of it and it's officially got to me enough to a.) not be angry but cry and b.) stop caring (after the tears, of course).
I am not going to take this anymore and if there are people in my life who are pissed by that, fuck off. I'm in a happy relationship and I want to spend time with Landon. I want to get to know the people in his life and I want to be comfortable around them. That takes effort. I'm sorry Landon doesn't want to get to know my friends but that is for understandable reasons. I've dated some of the guys and some of the people just SUCK as friends. I am not going to take this crap anymore. If you're not going to be accept the fact that I'm in another relationship don't bother talking to me anymore because it's STUPID. Can people not see how much happier I am than in November/December? I am thrilled to be with a guy who loves me and who I love back and I don't get this. I've already lost one good friend over it and I KNOW that I'm going to lose more because they have stuff stuck up their asses. If these people who are acting this way were honestly and truly my friends they would pat me on the back and tell me to do what I had to do. People are telling me that I'm hurting the people who have always been there for me. You know who's always been there for me? Landon. Ya some other people have been there some of the time, but Landon has been there for me from the day he met me. Actually, from BEFORE he met me, he's always cared and done whatever I needed him to and that is something I value more than other relationships. I was breaking Landon's heart in grade 12 but when I had to cry about family stuff, friend stuff, school, EVEN THE OTHER GUY - Landon sat there and helped me through it. I remember getting dumped and Landon came over and cuddled with me. (Sucks for Landon, and baby, I'm SO sorry). There has never been a time that I've needed Landon and he hasn't been there for me. So GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEADS and then maybe you can start supporting me in my relationship then telling me it's not right.
A true friend would take a step back and realize Landon and I are still fresh in the whole getting back together thing, soon it'll balance out and I'll have more time with them. Until then why can't people take what they can get and be happy for me?
I've had people tell me good luck when things don't work with Landon and I have no one. That right there is a perfect example of a horrible friend. I'm incredibly sorry but being a bitch to me will not win me back as your friend. On the other hand I have friends who tell me that Landon and I fit really well together, that we're 'blissful'. I don't talk to this friend all the time, but when we do talk she's a sweetheart and supports me no matter what happens. She'll do things that seem crazy but help, that's what I need. I have no idea what Landon's friends REALLY think, lol, but they're welcoming and friendly when I see them, they might hate me for what I've done to him but at least they're civil. I don't need the negativity in my life anymore, so in all honesty, if you don't have time to support me and say congrats I'm glad you're happy - don't bother talking to me because I don't care. You can think that we're not right for each other but that is NOT your choice, so get over it.
To the people who have supported me... thanks, I've really appreciated it and it's nice to know there are people I can talk to when things are right or wrong.

Just killing time...

2005-03-24T14:43:00.000-06:00

just killing time before going home for Easter weekend... I could be working on an assignment due monday but I JUST handed something else in and I just want to not work... at all. My bus leaves at 5:45 and Lara's picking me up at 7:45 then we're going to go to Landon's work (if that's cool with her, which it will be, I think) just so I can give him a hug and kiss, it's been 11 sleeps, which is almost 3 times the usual 4 sleeps! So it's been hard but I think we both appreciate each other a lot more now. Anyway, the stop at Landon's work is just to say hi and possibly get a tour of the warehouse - which would be somewhat interesting, to say the least! Then we'll probably get a bite or drinks or something, I don't really know, like I said, I'm just killing time.
Currently I'm watching a CSI marathon on Spike t.v. but t.v. is just kind of boring, human contact would be much better!
Last night we signed the lease for our house and I met T.J, my 4th roomate. He's super nice and I think we're going to all have an awesome time next year. The chilling we did was really natural so it'll be good. We're moving houses in May and making a weekend of it with all our significant others and friends so we all get to know each other that much better, we plan on drinking, lots and lots.
Not sure exactly what's happening this weekend but I know I'm not going to have time for much... friday I'm not allowed to do anything until after Church, I totally understand that, not a problem. So then I can do homework all morning which will be good! Then friday night Landon and I have a special evening planned, lots of fun stuff and a double date with another couple, we haven't gone out with in a while. Saturday I'll probably spend some time with Madds, then Church again that night, Sunday Easter dinner and then back here for class on Monday at 10am.
*oh so sad, the guys wife commited suicide*
1 hour until I have to walk to the bus stop, still have to pack but that'll take like 5 minutes. I'm using my new purse today, YAY!
okay this is pointless, bye!!!

YAY!

2005-03-22T22:44:00.000-06:00

Just felt like saying YAY, give me a break, okay?
I ate so much sugar today I don't think I'm going to sleep for a week. It was pretty bad, my roomie and I decided to ditch the whole eating a meal tonight and just pig out... 6 hours later I feel that wasn't such a good idea!
I'm not sure why exactly I'm posting, just really killing time.
Today I learned the profs are pretty understand if you take the time to talk to them and explain yourself... so from now on in the future I'll know to go see a prof if I have an issue. Yup, that's that.
Yesterday we drove to Ajax to go to Old Navy, I bought a purse, 2 pairs of very pretty flip flops and a cute shirt. I can't wait to wear the shirt because it's so summery and flowy, but I really want to wait a while because it's a little to skimpy for the not too warm weather. Yup, that's that.
I could write about the stats lab that I've been working on, but I doubt anyone really cares about it. So that's that.
We're signing our lease tomorrow for our 5 bedroom house, YAY!! And I finally get to meet my forth roomate, T.J. I'm excited! So, that's that.
this is a stupid blog. I'm done!
Oh, I bought Landon his b-day present, a couple months early... but I'm SO excited to give it to him. It's an awesome gift :), Yup, that's that.
I miss my barbies, I'm talking to a friend about them now and I miss them, I had some good times with them. LOL. But I did, I really built up my imagination with them and they were an incredibly good tool for socialization. I remember I used to make little sheets and they were barbie's bills and she'd have an office area where she kept her bills and she'd have to pay them, and she's always be a little stressed because it was bill "season". Little did I know bill "season" came once a month! But at least I had the concept down! I didn't like Ken though so I'd either make Maddie play him or he'd die or be away on a business trip. He just wasn't as cool as Barbie, not as many outfits or anything. *sigh* I hope they make a better man barbie, someone with a little more substances who can keep barbie happy. hehe

Ohhh boy

2005-03-19T09:55:00.000-06:00

MSN names can be quite the funny thing - they're totally used by your enemies against you - lol, it sounds crazy but people really think about what they put in the name and if they have something against you and can try to hurt you in the littlest way possible - oh they do it.
There's this girl who's friends with another girl... who I don't know but don't like for other reasons. Now this first girl I've known since high school through my boyfriend. She's always been relatively friendly - however I've hear her referred to as the 'ice bitch' so clearly she's nice when she wants something. This Christmas Landon and I were having our little thing however he was dating the other girl, friends with the first girl. So she messaged me and asked if I was going to a friend's of hers party... my response.. well of course it would be along the lines of if Landon was going. Then, of course, it gives her the perfect opportunity to ask "Oh, what's going on with you and Landon?" I'm sorry but if someone talks to you once in a blue moon and works it so she can insert that question - you know something is up. ESPECIALLY if she's friends with the other girl. Naturally I assumed that she was trying to figure what Landon and I were for this other girl. So that was that.
Later in December at the bar Landon and I had ended all ties. I had been drinking and was crying in the bathroom - she was there with her friends. I was talking to some of the others, who I'd have to say are a little more genuine and she came up. I don't remember exactly what she said but I did point out the fact that she was friends with the girl Landon and I broke up over. She said "Oh no, not at all, they're just more acquaintances through her boyfriend!" Then of course got to know all the details of what had just happened between Landon and I. So, Landon and I got back together and I was talking to him about the situation. He found it funny because when he had seen the two girls together they were VERY chummy. I love the way someone will lie like that just to find out information. It's so low.
Anyway, this was all brought back because of her MSN name today - I'm not sure if it's directed so I can see it - I'm sure she thought about it though - her boyfriend is going to Ottawa where the other girl is and her name says "xoxox hope to see you soon (insert name here)" So now, I A.) know the whole time she was friends with the girl and pretending to like me, and telling the girls any details I did spill, and B.) know the girl's a bitch.
In all honesty I do find it a little funny, more so because she didn't cover her tracks. Sounds wierd, but if I were to lie like that I'd be incredibly careful so that I wasn't found out - but HELLO, I'd figure it out. Your boyfriend used to be housemates with the girl - CLUE 1. I'd talk to Landon about it - CLUE 2. I'M NOT STUPID - CLUE 3. I guess she didn't think that Landon and I had the open relationship that we do. Stupid ass.
It just brings back memories which make me tense, but I can kind of laugh about it. It's just funny, funny what she thinks she can do! Who knows maybe I'm reading too much into it - but I am a girl, and I do know how girls think, we think these little things through, it's so true!
HA!
So excited for this weekend :)! Easter weekend, yay! Get to see my family, friends and Landon!

I've figured it out!

2005-03-15T17:48:00.000-06:00

I think I know why girls don't screw up very much. It's because guys make them feel like SHIT when they do, plus they make themselves feel like shit when they do. I messed up yesterday and Landon was so mad and wasn't really hurtful or anything but today I'm still upset about it. It put a damper in our relationship, I'm sure it'll be gone in a few days - but for now it hurts. It's just back to that pain I was feeling all December and it hurts so much my heart actually aches. I mean if guys felt this way every time they screwed up they wouldn't do it so much - I mean I personally know I don't want to feel this way often. I feel horrible! So I ordered something from LaSenza to make up for it! Sex seems to be the way to go. Unfortunetly I don't get to see him until Easter weekend. It's just really bad time for me to do this because after we got over the fight I just wanted to see him, I still have 9 sleeps. Plus, the poor thing worked 16 hours today so he's going to be wiped when he gets home so I don't get to talk to him until Wednesday night - ahh. I'm way to dependent on him - definately need to work on that!
It's really good for us not to see each other because we really do need to establish our seperate lives. I'm actually staying in Peterborough this weekend and going out with the girls for St. Patty's day! Kind of exciting actually, we'll see what happens. My roomie is leaving yet again so that kind of sucks. I get lonely/depressed when I'm here by myself and it's really not a good combo. I need to work on it!!
I've got a paper due tomorrow I haven't really started, I just keep putting it off. Now it's due in less than 24 hours and I'm going to have to get it done.
God, I want this horrible feeling to be gone - I'm sure in a few days I'll feel tons better - well, maybe not tons better until I get to see him and get a big hug! I don't know if girls have this weird complex where things become the end of the world, but that's how I feel. It seems stupid, but I dunno. I guess because I rarely screw up like this it feels a lot worse than it is. I've always forgiven him for his fuck ups so I'm sure it's okay!! Ahhh somebody make it go away. I'm so terrified he's not going to want me anymore. Think it's time for a Lara call - she knows Landon pretty well and is good at boosting me up about him. Maybe if I do an hours work first...
I think I'm going to devote time on Sunday to my scrap book - saturday I'm going to load up on things for it and then make it even better. It's got to be my favorite thing ever!
We got the house we wanted. It's 5 bedrooms for the 4 of us, with a rec room and a living room - so TONS of space. My room is a soft yellow and I love it! It's going to be Linds, Jen, T.J and I. I've never met T.J but apparently he's coming up this week so I'll finally get to meet him. We're so excited for moving in - I just can't wait!!
I've also figured out Landon's b-day present. It's going to cost like 300$ so I have yet to figure that part out exactly! But it's a really nice gift and I'm going to get it for a deal through Lindsay so hopefully that won't be too bad. His b-day is two months away, but I'm so excited for it. Linds can look it up and see if it goes on sale, then get it on sale for me because she works at Canadian Tire. That'll save me a bit - which is part of the reason I'm thinking about it so early- this way we can find out for sure- very key. :)
I'm feeling a bit better now, things are looking up - people make mistakes we're human.

:) :) :) :) :) :)

2005-03-10T22:26:00.000-06:00

All smiles tonight! I just got back from hanging out with my cousins, one's 26 and the other is 27 and they're so awesome and fun. We went shopping at the Eaton center and then went out for Sushi - which it is official - I like. Brooke (my cousin) was so funny, I was having issues with the chopsticks and she was like - "here I'll feed you" and shoved it in my mouth! I think it was funnier if you were there. I love my family, they kind of bring out the real me because they're like me and the understand me, I can be saucy and have an attitude with them and it's not perceived the wrong way. They're so understanding and so protective and they know so much more about friends and boyfriends and know the qualities that are important! It's so awesome - Kate's so funny because we haven't talked in a long time b/c she's in an awesome relationship and so am I - but she's like - "at least we're getting laid!"

- I figure that's it for now - not much else to say. Maddie went to Calgary for a week - lucky duck!

My Weekend...

2005-03-06T20:48:00.000-06:00

Pretty boring all in all - I just didn't do anything special... besides seeing Heather, K and Landon, and my mom... Anyway! Thursday was pretty plain, bused it home and spent some time with Mike, Heather and K. Landon picked me up and I spent the night with him, which was nice, then friday we had lunch together before he drove me home.
Madds got home from school and invited me to go see the Pacifier with her, I told her I would if I didn't have to pay so she asked Dad for money and he gave it to her! So I went to go do that. Landon was working and I figured wanted to do his own thing when he got off at 10, but he told me to call him just to check in. I called after the movie and he was drunk, oh so drunk - but told me I had to go to the bar/lounge they were at. It was on Kerr St, and a pretty cool basement bar - very chill, it's called Less than Level. I ran into a guy I used to know at Appleby and he gave me a hug and we did some of that small talk stuff - then I just dealt with second hand embarressment as my boyfriend made a drunk fool out of himself. I took him home and he got all lovey dovey, scared, naive, cute, vulnerable boy. He was so sweet, till he passed out. So I left him there around 2:30.
He's the oddest duck because he just sort of asked me for space, yet he invited me to the bar and when I called to check on him Saturday morning he invited me to go to Grimsby with him - I guess it's kind of that opposite thing. So we went to Grimsby for a bit of the afternoon, he dropped me off at home and picked me up again at 8 - it was the grubbiest night EVER. I sat around in my pjs eating candy and watching Sex in the City. I feel like such a slob! I slept over and that's always nice - I love the whole cuddling thing.
Mom drove me back to Peterborough today so that was nice - then Linds and I talked for a while went and got groceries and here it is five to ten! I've done nothing productive today except a bit actually when I think about it!
Meh!
Back to Oakville on Wednesday night for my placement - boo to that! It's not so bad but I hate the back and forth. I'm going to try to convince Landon to drive me back next week - that might take some coaxing though!
I've got nothing else...

Why can't you have it all?!

2005-03-03T09:54:00.000-06:00

I don't get it. I really don't understand. The way I see it is that some of my friendships have fallen apart since I started pursuing getting back with Landon, I don't understand why. If all of my friendships had started to disappear I'd get it, but it's only a few. Why can't I have a boyfriend and keep the same friendships. Now I have to sacrifice one of the two because apparently I can't do it all. I'm not going to give up on Landon though, I've wanted to be back with him since November, it totally ate at me and I'm finally in a really good place with him and we're totally happy together. But now other aspects of my life are all screwy and I hate that. I don't get it, I still manage to maintain other friendships so why not these ones. I guess people just change.
Landon called at a bad time last night, I was bawling my eyes out. I actually think he was worried that some other boyfriend had dumped me because the only time I've cried like that was because of him! He was really sweet though, I love it when you cry infront of a guy and they don't know what to do! So cute :P. He was really sweet and decided he wanted me to come home tonight so he could pick me up and spend the night with me. That was originally what I had intended but you've got to make the guys think of it first, that's just the way it works. I'm going home again this weekend. Not for Landon, for a job thing on saturday. Plus my mom just got back from Mexico and Madds just swam at OFSSA, plus I gotta talk to my dad. Boo!! I have to go home the next weekend too! But that's for my placement on thursday/friday. Which isn't so bad, it'll be good to get it over with.
I've got sooo much stuff to do this month, I can't not believe there are only 55 days until the Summer... maybe even less because one of my exams might get moved. I marked all my assignments on a calendar and it's just jammed pack. Yippee!! But I've figured out strategies so that I'll all be started ahead of time and finished perfectly!! Yup, I'm a nerd. I have to be this semester though. Gotta get that average up!
Well, this blog was pointless but i just wanted to get some stuff down, then maybe I won't think about it all day. I was about to cry - then my cell phone rang and it was this lady, I thought it was Lara so I asked what was up and she asked what I was doing, I said sitting on my bed. Then she was like "I thought you were coming over" and I was like... "who is this?" then we laughed because it was a wrong number and she told me I should "get up and get moving" - it just put be in a better mood for some reason!

I heart my daddy

2005-02-24T16:46:00.000-06:00

Wow, my dad, the most amazing guy in the world. Frenchie in Grease says something along the lines of - there's no man in the world a girl can trust, except her daddy -. Financially right now we're all kind of screwed but he's pulling through for me. My parents have always wanted to support me all the way through Univerisity - not spoil me, but pay my bills and manage for me. Today my dad gave me money for next month, and hopefully April 1st he will again - that's the agreement anyway. Then he wants me to save enough money to last through September and October and he'll start giving me money again in November. He even said if I don't work in May or June, so long as I'm doing something productive, ie., volunteering at a school or something, he'll give me money. I guess business is doing better for him to make those assumptions. He even said he's going to pay off my credit line by the time I graduate =). I'm really glad, but I don't want to get too excited because I know money doesn't grow on trees. I'm just so fortunate that I've got parents who are so supportive and want to and are able to be there for me emotionally and financially! Yay mommy and daddy!!

Sigh Happy Valentine's Day

2005-02-14T22:36:00.000-06:00

Haven't decided whether I totally love the holiday or not - however - I do believe it's an excellent opportunity to tell those you love that you love them.
This year I celebrated V-day twice! Once with Landon on Saturday night and then again at the Sami's on Sunday. A little embarressing actually - I called Mike on Saturday just to say hey - but he wasn't there - that was all! He called me back that night and I was out with Landon so I told him good luck cooking tomorrow and maybe I'd see him the next weekend. Sunday morning Maddie told me we got invited to the Valentine's day dinner at the Sami's. Monique had told her that Mr. Sami thought I was fishing for an invite! OMG HOW EMBARRESSING! If I had been I totally would of been like score, I got invited, ... however I was so embarressed because I had never tried to do that! So that was Sunday night - I went! So did Madds - a Sami dinner is always fun. However I really didn't need to eat that much - oh my goodness - so much food!! Dessert was good though - the little pastries with cream inside - SO GOOD. We had lots of wine - it was good too - actually looking back I had too much. Ithink I did something pretty embarressing. Uh oh.
Anyway, Saturday night with Landon was good - he made me dinner. A roast beef with asparagus in it (I love asparagus) and potatoes. It was a little low on the romance thing - we sat in his kitchen and he actually drank right out of the milk carton. But hey, the thought was there. I'm pmsing so today I called him and I was like "So, getting me a card is on your to do list, right?" ... I just want a card, him to say he loves me, in writing! lol, I'm a visual learner - the auditory part... mmm not so much, I'm a little slow with the tactile too - put it in writing!!! Of course with me on the phone he said "ya of course it's coming!" I called him later to verify what time he needed me to pick him up and he asked, "how important is a card to you?" *SIGH* Then he just asked if he could write a poem or something because he didn't want to spend the money on a blank card, and he didn't want to spend the money on a card that someone else wrote - I said that was even better! so we'll see. I wonder if he'll actually write one... My gift was a hair cut- it sounds wierd, but I needed one really badly - it was so nice to get pampered!

So right- my point. I like the whole romantic idea of Valentine's day -however, I agree that every day you should tell the people you love that you love them - but what's wrong with their being one designated day a year for that. One day that people can count on. Some guys aren't romantic at all, but on this one day a year they put the effort in, why? Because it's commercialized - it's like their pressured into it - which ya, might be crappy and a scam - but it can make someone feel special. And feeling special, even for just one day a year can really be awesome. I just think that Hallmark, the media, everything has given us this one day a year to have everything covered in hearts, to be pink and red and to show the people that you love them - so instead pushing it away because it's not 'real' why can't we embrace it and make it real?

Fucking Appleby and those spoiled kids.

2005-02-11T16:52:00.000-06:00

I hate. Let me say that again HATE, what Appleby College has turned into. It has transformed from one of the most respected schools to... still a respected school - but not by me - or many people in my family. What goes on their is bullshit. I'm talking about the teaching and the grades this time. I'm talking about the discipline, or lack thereof.
When I started at Appleby they were strict. Skirts had to be a certain length, shirts HAD to be tucked in, appropriate sweaters must be worn, heel could not be too high, one earing per ear, no other visible piercings/tatoos. Students respected teachers, a teacher walked in the room - the students stood up. The Chapel was treated with respect. Now... even the "prefects" wear "illegal" sweaters. BUT who cares? NO ONE. The school has turned into a country club for rich kids where they just happen to learn enough to get into University. Students now have facial piercings, nose rings and eyebrow rings. Heels, skirts, as high as they want to be. No one says anything more. Why? Because then you'll piss of the kid, which will piss of thier rich daddy which will mean they won't donate as much money.
Or maybe I'm just full of it.
Today my sister told me about an incident in Chapel. Father Lennox actually had to kick students out - he yelled and had to tell them to be quite. The chapel is something that students have to do, it's mandatory. HOWEVER, I do not believe that saying it is not your faith is a viable excuse to not attend. That's bullshit. When you enroll at Appleby you are FULLY aware that it is an Anglican school, the bloody chapel cannot be missed as you pull in. Students attend chapel every day. I do not believe you should attend Appleby if you are not going to respect the chapel and other people's beliefs. It's not like it was hidden from you until you got there and you're being forced to do it. It's clear. Students talk through Chapel, don't respond to prayers, or just don't go - claiming they don't believe in God or it's not their religion. That's bullshit. It's part of the curriculum at Appleby so suck it up. Have a little respect for the parts of the school that do take it seriously. I'm Catholic - I rarely skipped chapel, I sang in the choir and I answered the prayers. Why? Because it was out of respect for the school, and respect for the rest of the community.
Kids today have no respect. None at all.
It makes me sick. It really, really does.

"I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly"

2005-02-10T13:25:00.000-06:00

I've had an incredibly crappy week. First there was all the crap I don't want to mention over here. Family stuff, stuff that a lot of people don't know, especially if they haven't been talking to me - or if I haven't been talk to them. Either way. So there's all that that's a huge stressor. If you know me, you know that when I have one problem in a part of my life it usually spills over and affects the rest of my life. I think that's natural and happens to a lot of people. So when I'm already upset with this one stressor some other things already seem some what negative, even if they aren't necessarily. Well there has been a few stressors this week so me wanted to get out of bed ... hasn't really happened. I've let all the negative feelings consume me - and that's when the damage happens. Last night the cable/internet got shut off. Last thing I needed, really. It wasn't so much not having them that got to me - it was that it was my responsibility to pay and now my roomates had to suffer because of my own stupidity/poor money management problems. So I felt incredibly shitty. This morning I found out that all of Peterborough had no cable/internet because of a power outage. That did uplift my spirits - however they were already uplifted. Landon called last night as usual (heaven forbid I talk to my boyfriend) and I was planning on taking an early bus home today. I just wanted to get out of here, end this really crappy week. He would have picked me up - but not without first giving me this tough love lecture. Basically telling me to grow up and stop acting like a baby. I of course whined that I wasn't ready for the real world and being completely on my own. He just said tough 'cause I was already there.
A part of me grew up a lot 2 and a half years ago. I had to deal with a lot of hard stuff that normal 16 year old shouldn't have to do. I've really been affected by that, like hardcore. It's why I get the desire to just lay in bed and let my life go. But of course - I can't do that. Why? Because it would be stupid and there are people who need me.
So after I cried to and at Landon I started to actually think about what he was saying. If I did go home early I'd miss class and fall further behind. Why should I compromise my education - it's already paid for. I need to get through this year and then worry about next year. He almost even told me he was disappointed in me for not doing better this year. I wanted to flip at him, but it's true, I do need to try a lot harder. But it's difficult. A lot more difficult than people think. Being on your own - I'm totally not ready for this. Thankfully I have awesome understanding roomates who will always listen to me vent, I have a boyfriend who will be harsh but honest and hates to see me sad and I have an incredible family who loves me. So maybe it won't be so bad.
My mom called last night and I started crying just about things. She told me not to worry about the petty stuff, to focus on what I have instead of what I'm losing. Then we talked about Landon - he's amazing. He's a real friend, totally devoted, despite the fact that I've hurt him over and over he'll listen to me cry. He listened to me cry over other guys despite the fact he wanted to be with me. He was there and he is still is and I love him to pieces for it.

Make over my life

2005-02-08T11:09:00.000-06:00

A month into the new year and I'm finally ready to make some drastic changes. It's about time for things to change. Everything that I hate in my life is gone, no more baggage. When I say baggage I'm not just talking emotional baggage. I'm talking about anything that sends me negative vibes and does nothing positive for me.

First, I'm going to lose weight. Just you wait. Of course, that might effect the whole plus size modeling idea.. but whatever! I want to be healthy. In all honesty mostly so that when I want to get pregnant I don't have issues. Being overweight/not healthy can effect that and having a child is one of the only things I really want from this life. So it's about time to make a big change to that!

Second, I'm going to be more accomplished - meaning do a lot better at school. This year has been a bit of funk, it happens, but it's time to change that. I'm going to work at real job for May and June (no offence daddy, I just didn't treat it like a real job!). I'm also going to volunteer though. I'm thinking at this school that an old boss of mine knows. It's for mentally disabled children and I think that'll be good experience and also show me that I'm pretty damn lucky.

Third, no more dwelling!!! No more thinking about sad things and crying over them for an hour. Absolutely EVERYONE has problems. EVERYONE. Even people who seem to be incredibly happy. It's all in the way you handle it. No one ever has a perfect life, everyone has to overcome obstacles. It makes you who you are. So my goal is to come to acceptance with all these problems - the show must go on. I'm not repressing them at all, I've acknowledged that they're there and I'm just going to deal with them later.

Forth, get GOOD friends. Now, I'm not saying that I don't have good friends... wait... This is an incredibly tricky one. I have lots of friends, maybe I just want to improve my friendships. I don't know. I'm holding on to some relationships that do nothing for me except cause me grief and that's ridiculous. I retract that I have lots of friends comment. That's not really true - I have a lot of acquaintances. Like, I can't go to the grocery store (in Oakville) without running into someone I know, be it directly or through someone. I just know lots of people and maybe I expect more from them than I should. I just know at this point in your life you're kind of weeding through people you know? When you're older you don't have a million friends, just the few good ones close to your heart.

My parents are fighting, pretty hardcore. Maddy asked me to come home this weekend and I did - they got in a huge fight. My mom screamed, called my dad a fucking asshole and slapped him. Madds started crying and I couldn't be strong after that point. Poor kid, I just think of her alone with my parents all week. My mom regrets a lot of her past - I just wish she could let it go and look to her future instead of dwelling. I mean that's a lesson I've already learned - I guess I got lucky. I think my mom has this view of the world - that not everyone has problems. We have extreme money problems right now. Madds isn't going back to Appleby next year, I'm going to have to figure something out - as much as my dad thinks he can afford things - he can't. I love him to pieces, I guess he just doesn't want to admit the truth yet. I'm pretty sure we're going to lose the cottage soon, I think my parents are holding out on that - for one more summer. My mom said something though - she's a religious freak - but she said "We're incredibly lucky that the lord is testing us in this way. With money troubles instead of health problems." Basically in her opinion we've been blest - not many people in my family have huge health problems. My uncle died of lung cancer when I was like 3, my other uncle just had a heart attack, my aunt had a bit of skin cancer but it was caught. But nothing huge, no one undergoing Kemo (sp?). So instead of having to deal with something like that we have to deal with debt, court orders, not paying our bills. Oh well. It's not necessarily forever. At least we've got each others love.

Last night

2005-02-05T11:23:00.000-06:00

Last night Landon and I went out with Lara and Nick. A couple that we've hung out with a lot since August. Lara had never actually met Landon until then, I don't really think I met Nick until then either. Anyhow, they get along really well so we all have a good time when we go out. We usually just hit up a bar/pub and drink or whatever. We've gone bowling before, stuff like that. Last night we went to the Arms played some pool and then went to the Roxyburry. Biggest dive ever!! But they had karaoke, so that was... interesting! Lara's so gutsy she started right off with I Love Rock and Roll. Then Nick and Landon did Bohemian Rapsody (sp!?) so I dunno, I got up there but that's not to be talked about - it was embarressing. I did a song with Lara and Landon, but yah. In all honesty I don't know how much I did suck I couldn't really hear my voice and the music. However I felt like I butchered the song!!
It's always really good to see Lara cause I think we really understand each other. We come from similar families and upbringings and there's just a connection. I've known her since kindergarten... we were in the same class at Fernhill. Then I met her again in grade 9 when she came to Appleby. I was her buddy, I had to call her before school started to see if she had any questions. We talked for like an hour on the phone that time. She told me something interesting last night and I don't know what to take of it. She says she thinks I should consider modeling, plus size modeling. I wasn't at all offended when she said that, some people might have, but in all honest a size 8 could be considered plus size!! She thinks I could really go with it and stuff. She has experience in the whole agency/acting/modeling stuff so it's not like what she was saying was just being thrown together. She said I could find an agency and then they set me up with auditions. I've never considered being a model before... like.. seriously now. I want to be a teacher, but I am broke and if everything worked out ideally I could probably make a bit of good money... for school and stuff. Thing is, to do something like that I'd have to be so thick skinned. There'd be people who hated me, who would say no, highlight all my flaws ... And I'd just have to say meh. I don't know... But it's a temping offer... I think.
I ran it by Landon and he said no - he doesn't want to share me or something! I think he wouldn't want to pick up the pieces when I was broken from being rejected!
I think I might consider it though.
??

"Why, why do you always kick me when I'm high"

2005-02-03T22:18:00.000-06:00

So I'm back with my ex. Apparently that seems to be an issue. Okay, okay, not an issue and I'm not reading to much into this. But I dunno... it's really frusterating when your friends don't support you. Just support you. You know, put your flaws behind them. I think I need to do that sometimes, and I haven't. So I guess I can understand. BUT I'm happy. Anyone can tell that. I spent a month and a half crying, yes, yes I did. It sucked, I was hurt. I cried because I wanted to be with Landon and he didn't want to be with me. I cried because he was with someone else. Things changed and he decided to give it another try. Apparently some people don't understand how I could get back with a guy who made me cry and hurt me. Why? Because that's what I wanted. He wanted me back, he hurt me, I've hurt him in the past. It happens. We put that behind us. Bottom line is... I'm happy. Why can't people just support that?
It just pisses me off that I'm happy and people are frusterated with me because I was sad. A friend should just be happy that I'm happy and not care that I was sad. Because now. Now. I'm happy. That's what matters.
Landon is an amazing guy and has never intentionally hurt me. He has done the sweetest things and everyone other than my friends know he's crazy about me. My friends have a different view because I seem to just bitch. My fault. But he's making me happy now and I want people to know that. If I don't care that I cried for a month... then... no one else should.

Unfaithful

2005-02-01T21:50:00.000-06:00

What's going on in today's world? Seriously, does the term faithful mean anything to people anymore? I'm aware I'm making a HUGE generalization but this is something that is really common in my life and it's getting a little sickening. Commitment doesn't seem to mean much to anyone anymore. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, maybe I just hang around a lot of people who don't seem to grasp the concept.
I don't exactly know what to say about this whole thing. I've cheated on someone in the past and I've been the other girl. Those are probably the some of the biggest regrets of my life. I think you really need to put yourself in the other persons shoes. Imagine the person that you're so commited to hugging and kissing someone else, calling some other girl/guy before they go to bed, daydreaming about being with someone else.
I think that my choice in guy friends has really led me down this road to where I am. Don't get me wrong, my guy friends are nice enough, but some of them don't have the best track record when it comes to girlfriends and being faithful. I've seen it, I've seen them lie to a girls face, avoid telling the whole truth, find ways to make another girl work into their schedule. It seems so easy. So easy for them to tell this girl a lie, this girl, that they apparently care enough about to be in a relationship with.
So what's a girl like me to do? I just got back with an old boyfriend. Things are amazing, but I'm scared. So, so, so scared that there could be someone else. I know he is an amazing guy, with amazing morals. But I used to think that of some of my friends. So how do I get rid of this horrible feeling? How do I know for sure that he's not lying. He's told me white lies about this other girl before, he got a zippo from her and lied and told me he bought it for himself, we weren't together then and I think he just didn't want to hurt me. He doesn't use it anymore if that changes things. It's just when he tells me a lie about something so small - how do I know he's not lying about bigger things? If he can't tell me the truth about something as little as that - how can he tell me the truth about other things?
Deep, deep down I know he would never do something like that - but society and my friends are all pushing me. I've got all these insecurities like I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. That he'd rather be with someone else. I hate it because it holds me back. This weekend wasn't as good as it could have been because I felt so insecure.
The worst part is that I've been there. I've been tempted by someone and fallen for their 'charms' when I shouldn't have. I've hurt someone in that way and now here I am scared of having to feel that same pain.

Flashbacks

2005-01-23T16:21:00.000-06:00

My brother... an interesting character to say the least. I love him so much, I don't know him all that well, but I still love. Not sure if it's for enduring similar things as me or what. But I love him - and it really upsets me when people talk badly about him. Especially my friends, now I can understand that he's an asshole to a lot of my friends but most of the time its because he's protecting me. I don't think he thinks a lot of my friends are good enough for me - he has his reasons. I remember when Landon and I had just started hanging out, I was sneaking out every satuday night and Mike knew it. Landon and I would walk around for hours, just talking and flirting. The first time I ever snuck out Mike was driving some girl home and drove by - gee, coincidence! It was hilarious. He drove by, stopped the car, backed up and rolled down the window. After that incident sometimes when I would sneak out he'd follow me. He never ratted me out, in fact I think sometimes he covered my ass. I'll have to admit, he wasn't a fan of Landon. One weekend my parents were at the cottage and Landon came over. We were in my parents room watching a movie (Mike had a friend over and they were using the main tv). Landon had biked over... this was back in the day! Anyway Landon was going to leave and he went to put on his shoes - they were soaking wet. My brother and his friend (Rager...) had actually drenched his shoes. Poor Landon had to bike home - but he stuck around, despite my brothers jerkiness. I guess he actually did like me. All I can say now - is that Landon and him get along, they talk and everything - it's like Landon earned his place or something. Mike used to be drunk and need a ride and I'd be out with Landon and we'd go pick him up, or we'd drive him places. The point is now they get along and I'm glad!!
I remember way back when, I was probably 6 or something. Maddie and I shared a room and Mike had a room across the hall - it was the middle of the night and I woke up - but my eyes were stuck closed - because of the sleep - I'm not sure how that works, but I couldn't open them. I remember making my way to the bathroom and banging into things and all of the sudden he was there, he guided me to the bathroom and got me a face cloth, and helped.
In highschool some guys didn't like him, for whatever reason - guys can be jerks, we all know it. Anyway there was a rivalry between the two boarding houses at his school - he had gone to see a friend in one of them and basically some jerks from the house ducktaped him up and pushed him down the stairs, as they took pictures. I remember crying when I found out. First off, what the hell is wrong with people that they would do that? Second, what did my brother do to deserve that?
One of the things people should really do is look at people and try to piece together why they act the way they do. Everything has it's reasons, everyone has gone through things that have formed them into the people that they are. People can be so quick to judge. I find a lot of the time people can have a rough exterior - but once you break through it the person is a lot different. I guess sometimes you have to put up a bubble around yourself to protect you from the cruel world.

Growing Up

2005-01-20T16:10:00.000-06:00

Recently my child development prof asked us a question that was very thought provoking, it was when/if we experienced a transition from childhood to adulthood. I've been having issues dealing with this the past little while. I know there is no way I'm all grown up, I'm just not there yet. I do have a lot of adult tendencies, but I also have a very childish side.
This weekend I went to Landon's house for the weekend. His family was moving and being my awesome self I was helping them move. Unfortunately I made one big mistake and forgot my cell phone in Peterborough, this mistake made the lying to my parents about my location very difficult. My mom is paranoid and freaks if she hasn't talked to me in 2 days. Sunday morning I checked my messages and there was a message from her saying that if I was in Oakville I should call her and she was getting worried. But it was a lot more condesending and I'm your mother-like. So I called her and left a message saying where I was etc. Now, a lot of people probably wonder why I just don't tell my mom in the first place, however, that doesn't allow me to stay over at Landon's. Landon and I being a couple like that time together, so I just don't tell them, it's easier that way. Plus, I'm an adult now, I should be able to make these decisions. My parent's don't treat me that way, despite the fact that I'm pretty responsible and don't live with them anymore! It's hard to be in University because there's such a shift when you're at school and when you're at home. At school you can stay out as late as you want, or just go out as late as you want. At home there's just a certain code of respect you should follow. So I'm stuck here trying to still respect my parents and not be too pissy when they're invading my privacy but what am I really to do? In some ways I'm still finacially bound to them so I don't feel I can be rude, or insult the way they talk to me or try to still raise me. They still have that hold on me and it drives me crazy!!
My dad wrote me the sweetest message on my birthday card - it said - "I could give you a sermon about growing up - but you don't need it (Except for your messes" It actually brought tears to my eyes because it said SO much more than just that. I know that he sees me that way, it's just my mother who has issues dealing with the fact that I'm not 8 anymore. She's always reminding me of things that I already know. She reminded me to organise the rest of my placement for con-ed. Thanks mom, really, but I am capable of remembering certain things!! This weekend she had a hissy fit because I missed classes on monday. Ya, not such a good thing, but whatever, I'll make up for it.
My parents don't seem to understand this whole concept that I have to make my own mistakes in order to learn. Last semseter I messed up, I was a bum, I was sad, dwelling on my problems, didn't work hard enough - and I got my grades - so hello, I'm working a lot harder this semester. (Haha, I'm on the 2nd week). But I know that I have to pull up my socks or this year.. well, ya. I don't need someone to tell me that!! I know that I messed up and I'm trying to fix it, so let me fix it!! I still have this urge to rebel whenever my mother tries to push something on me - I've always been that kid in my family. No matter what if someone invaded my space, or tried to push something on me I would back away so fast. I guess I've always had that certain degree of independence.
I told my parents this weekend they had to back off and let me make my own mistakes or I would never learn. They actually said it was "bull shit". Um, not to me thanks! I've already learned a lot this year from being on my own and screwing myself over. I know not to waste money on things not really needed, I know to go to class and do the work. I'm learning so gosh darnit just let me!!

If you want the rainbow you have to put up with a little rain!

2005-01-13T01:03:00.000-06:00

So, life is going pretty good. No promises or anything, but things are looking up. It just feels like a reminder, if you want the rainbow you have to put up with the rain. I mean if there was no rain how could we actually appreciate the rainbow? Sometimes the bad times are what really make us appreciate the good times. It's like that phrase - you never know what love is until you lose it. Then the next time you get it you appreciate it that much more. Who knows, maybe that's just me! I definately know that sometimes you need that jolt of reality and pain to put everything into a more clear image. If it weren't for the lows the ups wouldn't be half as good!

I think I've lost the ability to sleep. So wierd because I'm not one of those people! I've always been the kind of person who gets that solid 8 hours. Granted there have been the times that I've got like 3 (ahem and then had to work a full 8 hour shift, my first shift at Subway ever!!). But that aside I usually get my sleep. Over the past two weeks my schedule did shift with some pretty late nights but I thought I was in the process of actually shifting it back - you see I wake up earlier and earlier every day and get less and less sleep, figuring that night I'll actually be tired. As soon as my head hits the pillow I'm ready to go party! It's insane. Jeepers, can't sleep when I'm down and apparently I can't sleep when I'm up! I guess that's a sign.

I'm going to spend the weekend with Landon, and his family - they're moving and I'm going to help!! *shudders* Kidding! I want to help, otherwise I wouldn't go down, I'm just not really much of a physical labor kind of gal! But it's exciting to see him, even though it's only been 6 days. I'm trying to think of something to say but I really can't. I do have a lot to say but phrasing it right is different. I feel like my life needs some big changes. Firstly my friends, some are super good and some aren't. Why I hold on to that - I'm not sure, I'm scared to let go? I think being in University and growing up you do lose a lot of your friends and it's only worth keeping the ones who really are worth it. I just feel like there's a lot of people I hang out with that I actually have nothing to talk about with, it's just a group setting. Not many people challenge me intellectually or provoke me to be passionate about anything. I just find that some people are good to go out and get drunk with. I don't really picture doing much more with them! Part of my new years resolution was to become a better person - pretty general, I know! I think that includes being me for real. Well, duh, it does. I've got to give you people a dose of who I really am. Because contrary to popular belief I am smart and I do have a lot of opinions and passion!

Anyway, my point is that I'm singing in the rain, soon... I might be seeing my rainbow!!

In a world where you can be anything... just be yourself!

2005-01-10T14:15:00.000-06:00

Today's a good day, I guess... I haven't done much yet - I've got night classes today! Anyway - we've got a new housemate with us for 4 nights a week, she has the pleasure of sleeping on the couch, lucky girl! I feel bad though because I have to walk through the living room to get to the bathroom. My bathroom is near the front door and you have to go through a couple of doors to get there, I guess last night as I was walking there I didn't want to wake Jenn so I must have pulled one of the doors closed behind me. As I was leaving the bathroom I was like - my god, it's dark - so I kept walking - right into the closed door!!! Brilliant move by Clutzy, yet again! No permanent damage done though ;).

I was trying to figure out me today, haha, that's a job that might take a lot longer than a day though, I'm pretty complex! But I was thinking, I love teaching, it's my passion. It's such an incredible job, in my opinion anyway. I know that about me, I know that's what I want to do and I miss teaching when I'm not (as a swimming instructor). Other parts of me are kind of blank. I know that I'm a very emotional person, I know that I like reading murder mysteries, shows like Law and Order, or suspensful movies. But other parts of me are missing, or so they seem. I find that we hang out with certain people because we have for so long but what do we really like to do... like on our own, in our own time. How do we fill it? I don't have many hobbies. I have my scrap book, I play computer games - but I don't think I have much. I know someone who uses his free time looking at cars on the internet, interesting for him. For me that sounds boring, but I don't have something like that... something that I find relaxing and necessary to do. Study? I'll be doing more of that this semester but it still doesn't seem the same. I think I know me, I know who I am and who I want to be, but I think part of it hides somewhere because people aren't used to it. I'm pretty solid in what I believe and my morals. However I don't feel like people know me I feel like who I am is kind of hidden. I don't become something I'm not to fit in with other people, I can't stand people like that, I don't think I've ever been like that. I've always been sort of independant. The more I think about it the more I realise I am independant. I'll walk places alone, I'll sit alone in class. I don't mind, I don't care what people think but there's a part of me that doesn't want to be alone and I think it's conflicting with the other part of me! Too confusing... I just want to be me and be okay being me. Meh, I'll figure this out!

One Year, Six Months Ago

2005-01-10T01:05:00.000-06:00

Sew this up with threads of reason and regret
So I will not forget, I will not forget
How this felt one year six months ago I know
I cannont forget, I cannot forget.

I'm falling into memories of you
Things we used to do
Follow me there a beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

I can tell that you don't know me anymore
It's easy to forget sometimes we just forget
being on this raod is anything but sure
Maybe we'll forget I hope we don't forget.

So many nights
Legs tangled tight
Wrap me up in a dream with you
Close up these eyes
Try not to cry
All I got to pull me though
Is memories of you.
~ Yellowcard - One Year, 6 months

I wish I could express myself. I totally suck at writing and sometimes talking is just wacko, probably because I'm pretty ackward. I always say the wrong thing and then I try to fix it and I spin down this spiral correcting everything I say. So lately I've been going with this whole no regrets deal and sometimes I just break and I can't say. There is SO much I regret - the only thing is why dwell on it? That's not going to fix anything. I've messed up in the past and I regret it more than anything, but how is knowing that going to do anything? All it does make me more aware of the fact I'm a fuck up. I don't get how you can deal with the past and move on. Closure, apparently closure is the key. How do you ever get closure after fucking with someone's heart? How do you ever clear your mind from putting someone through such intense pain? How can you feel better after knowing what they've been through? And then going through it? Dealing with the shit you put people through and suffering through it after - I feel like I've gone to hell, I doubt hell could be any worse than this. Sure there are ways I could escape this - but that's a whole different kind of hell. And I'm clueless I don't know what to do. I'm living my life, I'm having a good time, then something strikes me the wrong way and I'm gone, I'm teary eyed and it won't go away. I'm sitting here bawling over a guy who doesn't want to be with me. Everything is telling me to move on and find another fish in that great big sea. But my heart is breaking and not wanting anyone else. How is anyone else going to make me feel the way I feel. This guy said I was a treasure. Why would I want anyone else after that?
So how do I heal? Some people say think of the good times... well that's pretty damn hard. I don't want to think of the good times, it hurts. I don't want to think of the bad times either, cause that hurts too. So what, do I just not think of him at all? Cause I want to. I want to think of the way he watches tv, with his arms crossed and his feet crossed, or the way he used to bring me flowers, or the way he changes his voice when he talks to my parents, the way he's clueless when it comes to manners (sometimes), the way he always tells me when he has a surprise even though he knows I'll push it out of him, or the way he rubs his head into me when I give him something he likes. Just the way he smiles his big smile.
God? Have I turned into one of the girls who just won't give up hope? Cause I don't want to be, I just don't know what to do. All I do know... is next time I get one of those guys, you know who's sweet and who cares, I won't fuck him over and I won't hurt him cause that's got to be my biggest regret ever.

Onto happier things... I'm back in Peterborough and looking forward to starting another semester - should be... fun? I've got to pull up my socks, last semester was a bad one for whatever reason and I've got to improve this one somehow! Maybe studying would be a plus!! I think I might get a job too. Maybe then I'll be able to stop thinking ... Anyway, I'm going to make myself happy this year because I've spent a lot of time being down and it sucks.

I promise my future posts will be happier and not so ranting, I guess you have to let it out someway though.

"Love is for fools wise enough to take a chance."

Something special

2005-01-06T19:36:00.000-06:00

So recently I've been told... as corny as this sounds... that I'm a treasure. Or something along those lines. It was actually quite textbook as to what a girl wants to hear. Unfortunately it came from someone who isn't actually ready for the relationship, nevertheless it made me feel... like a treasure. I always knew this person cared about me more than a lot of people and I knew he had feelings for me, but I never knew he respected me and held me in that high of a regard. I was flattered when he said it. I suppose I should have known, but I didn't. It actually brought tears to my eyes because I think it was/is the nicest thing anyone could ever say to me. It had nothing to do with my looks, it was about the feeling that they felt for me. That I must have done something so special for them to think of me as a treasure. I think because the word 'love' is so overused these days that having that person call me a treasure was something completely different and equally as amazing. I dunno, it kind of left me beaming.
The reason that I say it had nothing to do with looks is because SO much is based on a person's looks and for someone to complement what's under my hideous looks, it just felt great! One night stands are always based on looks, be it that you might be tipsy and the looks are improved, they're still based on how the other person looks. Guys always seem to think that a girl wants to be told she's hot, pretty or has a nice smile. But I personally could care less, I would prefer if a guy was like, "Wow, I think you're so nice." {haha, guess maybe if I was nice this might happen?} But don't get me wrong...for all you guys out there, ya girls do care about being told they're pretty, BUT as far as I know... it's just as important to have thier personality complemented. When someone tells me I'm sweet, or funny, or have a cute laugh it feels twice as good as someone telling me I'm hot. Correct me if I'm wrong here...
Anyway, someone thinks I'm a treasure =) so yippee!!

Happy New Year!!

2005-01-03T23:35:00.000-06:00

My new year started kind of interestingly, this guy who's been practically my life for a really long time ended all ties with me. It wasn't a bitter thing, it was just probably for the better. I can understand, I mean at that point in time we were on very different pages. I miss him loads and one of the only things I regret is the way I treated him, but hey, it was a learning experience. I'll never treat a guy the same way (negative way, of course!) and I've just learned so much from it. Like one of the most common mistakes people in relationships at this age, or I guess any age make. That mistake is falling so far for the person and spending so much time with them that you kind of lose your own life. It's silly, cause when you fall for each other you do fall for the whole package, then the further you get into it the more you kind of change. What I learned was time spent together was just as important as time spent apart. Just cause you love someone, or even really like them, doesn't mean you have to spend every waking second with them. I also learned that when you have something amazing infront of you, don't give up on it for something that might be amazing. It's not worth the risk, believe me.

Haha, he actually just messaged me and we went and hung out. Kind of random, yes, but I am the queen of randomness. I told him to look at someone's pictures from New Years Eve, then he wanted to see me. So we hung, it was nice cause I was happy and he was happy, an odd combination. I still miss him cause it was clearly different, but good nevertheless.

I really am frowning on relationships right now. I'm going to try to go a whole year without one. Someone once bet me I couldn't last a month without a boyfriend... I owe them 10 dollars. I like the comfort/stability of having someone there. But now instead I'm going to try to deal with not having that and see what happens. I think it might be a good thing, you know, get to know me. I think I'm kind of fun or something. I don't know!!! There are benefits to both - so I'm just going to ride it out.

I'm dancing... I've got music on and it's loud and it's dance worthy. If anyone walked downstairs right now I'd look like the biggest idiot, but it's fun. I love dancing!! So long as the music is loud and fast.

So this New Years Eve was better than the last (last year I was super, super drunk and cried... what a party pooper!!), hopefully that will predict a better year ahead. The last year has been good but a learning experience, so many weird things happening, I've got my resolutions, so here's to a new year!!

69% Baby!!

2004-12-20T01:08:00.000-06:00

So I got 69% on my seminar - it wasn't an actual speak out loud seminar because our class is too big, so basically we had to memorize it and write it down, but I got 69!! Now, most people would be like 69, whatever that's a C+ not exactly good, however... i didn't prepare for the seminar at all!! With my current sad state (which I feel is slowly diminishing) I couldn't bring myself to prepare for it. See, it was pretty easy in my opinion and I just found it a little blah! So I didn't bother, well except for making sure I understood key defintions. But I pulled of a 69%!!! Which brings me to my next point... regret.
I'm so full of regret sometimes!! Not in the way that I dwell on it, however, definately in the way that sometimes the negative thoughts do cross my mind. Now looking at how I pulled off a 69 without trying I think - god - how much better could I have done had I actually tried!! It gets to me. In highschool mostly because I didn't try all that hard - hell, at Appleby I barely tried, I handed everything in late, barely bothered studying - but I pulled off 70s - an equivelent to normal schools 60s. Then I switched schools and it was a little harder, turns out when you don't pay a tuition the grades don't magically become high when you suck! So I tried a little harder and pulled off a mid - 70. One of my classes even went from a 63 at midterms to a 74 at the final. But, if I had pushed myself, did a final proofread of some assignments really gone all out I could have pulled off high 80s - cause deep down, I'm kind of smart. My problem is just applying myself. And in all honesty ... I regret that now - I wish I was back there sometimes so I could give it my all and get into the school of my dreams (That would be the Queen's Con-ed Program, and in some ways I have partially fulfileld it because I am in the Queen's - Trent Con-ed Program). But, whatever, can't dwell on the past but I can change the future.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

2004-12-19T10:55:00.000-06:00

Kind of, sort of. I love snow and I think it romantasizes the whole holiday so it's kind of nice. But it's just an ideal and doesn't have to happen.
I'm going to talk about something that pisses me off, I know, I know, what a topic, and I'm just going to be blunt about it cause it really ticks me off. But it's just my opinion...
So what the hell is wrong with people that they can't just say Merry Christmas. I understand that there are other holidays and faiths out there, but it is Christmas time. Some stores are trying to implement having their staff say "Happy Holidays" to the customers, meanwhile they're decorations all coincide with that of Christmas. Christmas trees, Christmas lights, wreaths, red, green, gold. If a Jewish person said Happy Hanukkah to me I wouldn't me offended, it wouldn't matter, they're celebrating Hanukka so be it. That's fine, they're celebrating their faith. So all these stores can profit from people buying Christmas gifts meanwhile they want their staff to say Happy Holidays? It's Christmas time... just say Merry Christmas. I wouldn't get offended if I was told Happy Hanukkah so why would people be offended if their told Merry Christmas. I am offended though when people say Happy Holidays. Cause I just don't like it - I don't have much of an arguement except that it's Christmas time and we all know it. Sure there are other holidays going on too... but in some ways I just want to say majority rules. I mean schools out cause of Christmas, even though they call it winter break. I dunno, I'm starting to ramble.
One more thing that ticks me off. Any of you who replace the Christ in Christmas with X. What the fuck is that? What the hell is X-mas? How can you even say you celebrate Christmas if you do that? Christmas is about the birth of Christ not about a fucking letter. People seem to get lost in the holidays and forget it but how can you replace Christ with a simple X. Why are you so lazy as to do that. Madds and I were at the grocery store the other day and almost all the bulk Christmas candy said X mas, X mas gummy trees, X mas Santas. Well shove it up your ass because I'm not supporting that crap. X mas is not a holiday, Christmas is. Have a little bit of respect. If you're going to replace Christ with an X in my opinion you shouldn't be celebrating Christmas because clearly you've forgotten the true meaning.

On a different note

2004-12-17T18:31:00.000-06:00

So that was my mildly depressing blog - and I'll be the first to admit that I've been a midly depressed person over the past 4 months. But shit happens. I'm working on fixing my problems and well, that's the best I can say.
About my first love. He was, and is, great. But if it's meant to be it will be. I know that, he knows that, it's just hard. Life's hard though and the best we can do is deal.
I would love to post my problems on here, you know, let people know what I'm going through - but I have to respect the lives of other people. So I will, and of course I don't hold anyone responsible for my problems, I don't hold me responsible for my problems. Problems just happen and no one is really to blame. (My opinion anyway).
Recently I started therapy - not intensive therapy - just every few weeks, because I've got some family issues to work out. Something came to my attention that I was unaware of and I wanted to get it sorted out. You see, my dad's an alcoholic. Hey, the first step is admitting it. He hasn't drank it a while, but he used to heavily. So there, seems like whatever, it's a thing in the past. But it's not, and it's effected the person I am today in ways that are really unimaginable. I don't hold him responsible for it - and I know it's not my fault, he made a mistake. So there. Anyway, I've learned that alcoholism is a stress mechanism and basically my dad's only stress mechanism. Some people drink, some people eat - that's what my dad used to do. So that habit, that action of him drinking or him not drinking and being stressed has stuck with me.
Anyway, I thought for the few of you who read this, this might be interesting.
I started reading this book of Adult Children of Alcoholics, it's so dead on it's scary. One of the things that these kids do is act impulsively - now, I'm not talking oh let's go to the mall! Normal teenage impusivity. I'm talking "Oh! Let's do something completely stupid, hurt ourselves and then spend time and energy trying to fix it." If that doesn't describe a big part of me, I don't what does. Another thing the book said was that kids who have dads who are alcholics usually have mothers who are extremely tense and uptight. HM? If you know my mom you know that pretty much hits the nail right on the head.
I haven't finished the book, it's really hard and takes a lot of strenght. I mean imagine reading these made up examples and being able to go, "shit. that's my family." It's not fun.

But you know what? I'm happy.

I forget sometimes and I get carried away in my emotions. But I'm happy. Why? Because I have a family and I have friends, I have a roof over my head, I'm getting an education, cause I can feel saddness, laughter, anger, happiness. Despite my issues I've grown up in a house full of love and devotion. Why should I be sad? Dwelling on the fact that one guy out there is a jerk isn't going to make life easy.

So here's some happy news. My older sister is in love. With a man 18 years older than her and with 3 kids. And you know what, they're all coming out here for Christmas! The kids are 17, 16 and 13 and I hope really nice. Otto, the man, lol, is great, he's a gentlemen and I can't see my sister with anyone else. The story is cute, My sister didn't want to be away from us for Christmas, Otto didn't want to be away from her for Christmas, Otto's kids didn't want to be away from him for Christmas. So they're all coming here for a very Bennett Christmas! 10 people isn't too bad!!

Let me see, I can't think of anything else happy to say. Boo on me. Well it's 5 sleeps until my b-day, and I can't wait for my friends to get home from Uni so we can hang out again.

"The story is just begun, and darling what's done is done/ it's time to change and leave the past behind/ why do we know all the answers or how the story ends / so baby, let's take a chance on a happy ending / let's turn the page and stop pretending / the past can stop our heart from mending / it's time to let go cause baby you know / some things are better best forgotten."

~ time to go have some fun ~

Why do we always seem to want what we can't have?

2004-12-17T18:09:00.000-06:00

So, apparently that's my life - striving for things I'll never get.
Take one of the many examples. I've been loving this guy for 3 and a half years, he's amazing and makes me SO happy. But he's kind of with someone else now and that kind of kills me. But I want him more than I ever did. Why? Well I think it's because I've realized how much I care about him. Although it could be because I can't have him. Twist it around, he's wanted me for so long, I was never really available - now I put myself out there and I am, and he doesn't want me anymore. Why? Cause he can have me. Afterall, what fun is a girl who will give it all.
Rejection sucks and I seem to go through strings of it at a time. Which of course makes me question and second guess everything I do. There's just one thing that I want and that is just to be loved. Is there something wrong with me that guys don't want to stick around, there all up for the good stuff and then out of here. Whatever I don't really care, want me for whatever, I'm used to it.
This guy, the one I love, I've never cried so much before. My undereyes actually sting from crying so much, they're dry. He says he loves me. But he's dating some other girl, and he wants to see what that'll bring, but he doesn't want to lose me. So we're going to be friends and I'm going to stand by him and there's this possibility that he might fall in love with her. Could that hurt anymore? He's my rock. Is that pathetic or does everyone have one? He's the one person who's been there through thick and thin. We've broken up before and he's still been there to comfort me. But now, it's like he's stabbing me and twisting the knife around. How can I possibly deal with the fact that he could be hugging, kissing and touching a girl the way he hugs, kisses and touches me. I can't bear it, and I've told him, and I've cried in front of him and he's seen how much it hurts me - but this is what he needs. What do I do? How do I deal? Do I let this happen, because I've tried to walk away - and if I do - that's it, no more, no more hope, no more talking, no more anything. So I'm suppose to cling to a hope that one day maybe he'll love me enough and trust me enough to want to be with me. But in the meantime I'm left nursing my aching heart and trying to smile through each day. So here's the moral of the story: when you have someone you love and you're going through a rough time - don't hurt them, talk it out and work on it. Don't screw with their heads don't risk someone you love for someone that you might like or might even love. Because it's not worth it. When you love someone it's this beautiful thing and screwing it up for some one night stand or some jerk who thinks he's hot shit isn't worth it.

So here I am, trying to move on from my first love. But I guess the first cut is the deepest.

So here I am still waiting for my Knight in shining armour.... one day.

Who gets to suffer?

2004-12-07T13:56:00.000-06:00

Risk?

2004-11-25T23:48:00.000-06:00

So, there's a big complicated story with my relationship with Landon and lately I've been wondering if I should go back out with him. It sounds crazy because clearly it hasn't worked before, but I've never really put the effort in. I guess it depends on your views and whether you believe that you should have to put a lot of effort into a relationship for it to work.
Basically, he loves me. He does, sometimes he lacks respect for me but if I communicated that maybe it could be worked on. We've both hurt each other a lot in the past and well, the past is the past, isn't? One of the problems is that my friend's don't like him. Probably mostly because he's made me cry and therefore must be a jerk. However, there is ONE friend who said that he and I are good together and she's really making me think. She and I have hung out with her boyfriend, me and Landon on a couple of occasions and it's always been fun. She said that he and I seem to fit and that we can relate to each other. I'll agree, nothing feels more comfortable than being in his arms or holding his hands. But do I love that it's comfortable or do I love him? Because in all honesty there are things about him that drive me crazy. Just habits that aren't in sync with mine, I suppose those are mainly differences in being raised. But still, sometimes when we're together I do have a really good time.

So, why am I thinking this? Is it because I'm getting lonely and I just want someone to love me? Part of me thinks it is. I mean when I look at my ideal man, well, he's not really it. I'm into driven, motivated guys who want to achieve something and who have a great passion in their lives. I want a guy who's going to challenge me to think and who's going to be able to hold intellectual conversations with me. I just know that he's not meant for me that way. But do I throw aside the mold? Is that just a dream that might not come true anyway? I know I have so many years ahead to find the right guy but sometimes I feel like it'll never happen. What if he is the right guy I just don't know it right now?

Well, it doesn't really matter because he's having a girl come stay with him for the weekend! It's wierd because it's actually a weekend t
hat I'm in town. I'm here for Maddie, my mom is in Mexico and Madds has 5 carol services and someone needs to attend one for her! I'm taking her out for food tomorrow and it's just nice to hang out with her. Plus someone has to be here to help out Daddy, he can't handle all that driving.

It's wierd to be home, I love it, but I hate it. I prefer to sleep on a couch and my room just doesn't feel right. I can't sleep upstairs because there's just things that happened that I don't want to be reminded of. It's wierd how that happens, I'm a little scared. I really don't know why. There's just something that hurts. It could be that probably 5 couples other than me have had sex in the bed! Or just that its not the bed I sleep in every night so it just doesn't feel comfortable anymore.

Annie came over tonight, it was so nice to see her, she's such a sweetheart! We just talked for the most part. It was really cute because when she came inside my dad stood up and gave her a hug! I guess I've known her since grade 7, our parents are friends and she used to stay up at the cottage with us every summer. I dunno, so we just talked about life and Sarah called and well it was nice to have someone who knows my whole family and all of my life.

I saw my old boss today too. She was so incredibly sweet and I dunno, just amazing. She's known me since my Appleby days and today she told me that I looked so amazing and that I had finally found it for me. She said at Appleby she remembered I was miserable, then when I went to OT things got better a bit, but she said I was just glowing now. Which was kind of nice because I thought I was degressing! I guess it's hard to remember how miserable you actually once were. In all honesty I am happy, I do cry, but I am a happy person. I'm so thrilled to be alive and accomplishing what I am. I can't wait to be a teacher and get on with my life. I'm so lucky to have healthy family and friends and I'm so greatful for it all. Ya, shit happens, but it happens to everyone and it's really all about the way we deal. So I cry, if it makes me feel better fine. Some people have sex with random people, some people eat a lot of chocolate, some exercise like crazy. I cry. It works for me, so ya, just because I'm sad one day doesn't mean that I'm miserable and unhappy, it just means that I'm trying to deal with something so let me deal and then I'll be okay.

Maddie said something that was actually kind of sweet, she said I looked like me. At first I was like well no shit hun, who else would I look like? She said it was my hair because it's back to it's natural color. She said I just reminded her of Emmy and who I used to be. So, hey, maybe I'm getting over this phase I went through and finding me again, I don't know. But whatever, I'm just glad to be experiencing something.

Know all about, about your reputation

2004-11-18T15:58:00.000-06:00

I guess this doesn't really have much to do with reputations. Maybe more about judging books by their cover? Possibly not even, I'm just going to start writing. Reputations have been bothering me a little lately. It just seems so weird because from place to place people can have different reputations. I know that for me, at home, well I'm not sure what kind of rep I have to be honest. Here I think it's more of a homebody wild girl. If that makes sense at all! I'm not usually in Peterborough on weekends but I'm still known for some wild, crazy things I've done. In Bracebridge at the cottage (haha, not at Subway) I'm seen totally different. My reputation says I'm responsible, goal oriented, rarely party. My family sees me as a mix of both. Fortunately I don't think I've been labeled anywhere as a slut, maybe as manipulative, but not as a slut.

Actually in Con-Ed on monday we were talking about girl - girl relationships and guy - girl relationships. We were discussing the drastic change that relationships have made, girl - girl relationships are now becoming violent, like some guy - guy relationships are. We were trying to get down to why girl - girl relationships have gotten so vicious. One of the girls said that the relationships were switching around and girls were becoming vicious and guys were talking about each other and being verbally abusive. At this point 2 of the 3 guys in my class looked at each other and mouthed "what the heck is she talking about?" So, clearly she can't be taken seriously. Another girl's theory was that girls have talked about each other, verbally assaulted each other to the max and there is no where else to go now but physical. What does bitch really mean? Slut? Whore? Those words are all desensitized because friends use them all the time. Just walking around you here someone say, "Come on slut we're going to be late." By no means does the person doing the talking think she's a slut, it's just a common word now. Granted when someone you don't know uses the word on you you still feel hurt and insulted but it's not the same as it once was. After discussing girl - girl relationships and how vicious and mean girls were are Prof asked us if girls treated guys the same way. I basically said, "Nope, girls aren't mean to guys, they just manipulate them." And the sad thing is, most of the girls agreed. Girls wrap guys around their fingers all the time just because they can. I'm sure it gets us lots of benefits, but in the end is it really worth it? Seeing as I've been labeled manipulative I'll try my best to explain the after effects.

I still have a lot of growing up to do, but just from growing up the little bit I have over the past while I really do regret the manipulation. It's just crappy, why bribe a guy or offer what you've got just so that he'll drive you somewhere or do something for you. It's not a very healthy relationship. Who wants to be with a manipulator and who wants to be with a push over! I don't believe either side is good to be on. There comes a point in time where the manipulator gets it all shoved in their face and that's just not worth it.

I dunno, I just kind of randomly went with this and put it together.

i suck at titles

2004-11-14T21:49:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking about my life and the people around me a lot lately. Not my main friends and my university friends, but my Appleby friends. The girls who can probably best relate to me (besides of course, my hip). When I was at Appleby it was probably the worst place for me at that moment, however, looking back it was incredible. Every morning I had time to talk to the girls who understood me and were going through the same things in their life. I don't even know how to go about saying this or explaining it because it's complicated. Appleby is it's own little world, everyone there lives in their own little world. The parents know everything about each other and everything about everyone. That's the way it goes, it's a huge grapevine of gossip and crazyness. I don't think people on the outside really understand. It's like Desperate Housewives but they don't all live on the same street. Everything on the surface seems so perfect, the families send their children to this school that offers them incredible opportunitites, they live in big beautiful houses, drive amazing cars, have homes away from their real home, go on fabulous trips. People on the outside don't see what really goes on though. I don't believe that there is one family that are as they actually appear. This sounds overly dramatic and right out of a movie, however, it's not. I know firsthand how fucked up it all really is. Any horrible secrets of families are hidden however they all come out eventually.
So, now when I think about my family and all the secrets, which aren't so much secrets from most people I know, I find it easiest to relate to the girls who have similar secrets that can't be solved because people are too scared to confront them.

Life

2004-11-09T20:27:00.000-06:00

Sometimes things all come crashing down at once and there really isn't much to do but try to deal with it and move on. That's so hard, so much easier said then done. There's that pain where everything just aches. Your heart feels like it's actually breaking, your tummy aches, and you feel cold inside. Then you just kind of shiver and it all comes crashing down. That's the way it works for me anyway.

"If I cry a little, die a little, at least I know I lived a little" - Haley, One Tree Hill
"Let me feel, I don't care if I break down" - Haley, One Tree Hill

So I'm feeling down right now, but well, there's so many different ways of looking at it. One of the things I keep telling myself is that if I wasn't down now I wouldn't know how awesome being up could be. Another way is the way Haley looks at it, it doesn't matter if I got hurt in the end because I experienced something awesome and that was so worth it. So what if I'm crying right now, I was happy before and I know I'll be happy again. There's just this downtime that I have to deal with. Another quote I like is "Never let the fear of striking out stop you from playing the game." That's from A Cinderella Story! Yup, I'm a loser! However, a quote like that makes me get over certain crap and play the game.

People can tell you stressing over certain things isn't worth it, that you should just get over it. But it's not that easy. Sometimes you have to take the time to deal with the crap and fix yourself before you can move on to other things.

I guess just like everything else it takes time.

What are you suppose to do in some situations? I really wish people would tell me what to say or do over certain things, cause I just don't know how to handle it! It's so confusing. I'm not ready to grow up and be in control of everything. People are always saying that communication is key and that's what relationships need, infact, I just told my little sister that she needed to talk to her boyfriend about something. Then, here I am keeping everything bottled up. It seems that sometimes that's the way it works... but by keeping things bottled up I'm building up all this insane pressure and soon it's just going to explode. Like a shaken can of coke.

Dreams

2004-10-26T23:20:00.000-05:00

How messed up is this? Last night I dreamt about someone who hurt me, and in my dream he did the exact same thing?! How twisted is that? Aren't dreams suppose to be positive things, that was more like a nightmare, it even woke me up...crying! How horrible is that? I've always gone with the whole Cinderella thing "A dream is a wish your heart makes!" Well I do wish that I could have experienced what I was experiencing at the beginning of the dream, I really don't wish to experience the aftermath again! Maybe it was a warning.
Dreams are so weird. People are always saying that they have to do with your subconscious and all that, I wish there was a sure fire way to read them. Not something that might me right or might be wrong, but something that is reliable. That can just tell you what you actually think or what they actually mean. It would make life so much more easy!
Maybe I should start recording my dreams and see if there's a constant pattern or something. That'd be kind of cool.

On to other types of dreams!

I started my 5 day placement in elementary school on Monday. It's so awesome and completely reminded me why I wanted to become a teacher. I can't wait to graduate and get to do this every single day. I started off with a grade 2 class and I'm switching over to grade 1 tomorrow. My patience with this kids astounds me. Give me my mom, or sister, friends having a problem with something I am so short with them. Give me a kid asking me how to spell something and I'm so patient. They say the cutest things and do the cutest things! This morning on annoucements "I feel good" was playing and the kids were singing along, it's so adorable. They want to tell you everything too. They just talk and talk. So do I mind you!
I don't know if I'll ever get used to being called Ms. Bennett. It makes me feel so important or something. The kids are just so cute. Some kids from grade 4 gave me a tour of the school and now whenever they see me in the hall way they always call out "Hello Ms Bennett!!" It's so cute. Usually I'm on my way to the staff room... that's right, cause I eat in the teachers louge. They've got leather couches! Very comfy!
You learn so much from these placements, it's insane. So many different activities and lessons, and then so many different methods of treating the class. It's super. It is so much more productive than the stupid classes with Prof. Laframboise! He talks about crap and keeps talking about salary. I honestly don't care about my salary, this job to me is all about the satisfaction of teaching people stuff. I didn't become a teacher for money, if that's what I wanted I would have just married rich! Which I'll probably do anyway, at least the first 2 times!
Kidding. Totally kidding. I want to marry once and for love. However, it's not easy to make me love you, I've got pretty high standards! Says some, but. when I lower them I end up dating homeless 25 year olds. So I think I'll risk it with them high!

well, i've been taking meds to get me to sleep. I can't sleep in this damn bed. I don't know what it is but it's just not doable. Anyway, the meds are kicking in and I'm starting to squint!

Amazing

2004-10-21T00:08:00.000-05:00

That reminds me of that song.... Amazed.. by Lonestar. Just something that randomly popped into my head. Afteral, I'm a random person. Apparently I use the word random a lot.
So I think that there are 2 people who actually read this :-P But I'm going to keep writing because for some reason it's therapeutic. Kind of like coloring.
Isn't life wicked? I think so... And I'm not just saying that.
I'm trying to be a happier person, see recently 2 of my very closest friends told me/agreed with me that I was a more happier person when I was dating or had a boyfriend. At first I'll admit I was pretty upset, brought to tears twice. I was going to waste time being mad then another friend told me that they didn't do anything wrong and that friends are there to tell you the truth and be honest with you. So I decided instead of investing my energy in being angry with them and further my "unhappiness" that I would convert the energy to positive energy and try to just be a happy person. I can't say much for today, it's been a bit of a write off, I had a midterm and worked out, other then that I have no idea what happened with my day. But it hasn't been really sad.
One of the girls who claimed I wasn't as happy a person when I was single told me I could call her anytime when I was crying. But see, then she'd know I was crying and I have to be happy (ie., hide from them that I cry at all :-P) Kidding. It was a very sweet jesture on her part, but I don't plan on crying again any time soon. It's just so blah.
I've been trying to figure myself out, but I really can't come up with anything. One of the things that I did come up with was something about having everything but nothing at the same time. You know, the little rich girl who has all the physical stuff you can imagine, but when it comes to emotion is just screwed up. That's not me though, first off I don't have EVERYTHING. I have a lot, but not everything. Secondly, I've been surrounded by love my whole life. My mom's always loved me and shown that she loves me, my dad has in his own ways too I guess. I have friends who love me. I just don't have a boyfriend who loves me. Which shouldn't be important, and it's not, just I guess hard after 3 years of having one.
"For the girl who have everything I give you love" I can't think of who sings that song... I think it's Nsync... like oldschool Nsync.

You know you first big burn? Relationship wise...you know the one big heartbreak that changes you forever. Or something dramatic like that? I see it in a lot of my friends, some relationship that ended and changed them a lot. I don't know if I've had mine. But I know that I caused one. I hate that I did it to. Imagine taking an incredibly sweet guy and manipulating him and using him and then changing him into a grouchy old jerk. There were other factors that aided in the grouchy old jerk. But I know that I had/have a huge effect on how he treats girls now. I don't think he's as sweet as he once was. I screwed that up for him and for other girls. What was I thinking? How could I have thrown someone's feelings around like that? It's just so horrible to look back on it. I'm not sure I like the fact that I've done that to someone but I've never had it done to me. An eye for an eye afteral. I've had my share of hurt though just not like that.

I think I've blocked most of it out because I can't remember when I put my mind to it. I've been cheated on, it didn't hurt though, I suppose at the time it did a little. But I don't feel pain looking back. I've been used. That does sting a little, maybe it's because I've never used someone, well in the same way. I don't think I've ever had my heartbroken, it's been torn though and the amount that that kills is insane. I don't think I ever want to open up like that again if that's what happens.

Have you ever had a really intense passion with someone? You know that whole look in the eyes and quiver thing? The fireworks in the kiss, all that? I'm not sure if I've had it or if I dreamt it. LOL, it's been so long that I can't remember if it actually happened or if I've made the memory to be like that. I don't really want to know, the memory is a good one, whether it happened that way or not.

This whole one night stand business. Is something wrong with me if I can't do that?!?! I haven't tried in a while, but I just don't find that it compares. Partly because I'm not comfortable. I suppose there's suppose to be a certain level of drunkness before it happens, with a lack of that it might effect the whole business. But I don't get it, cause I've had the chance and I haven't been able to follow through. I think I'd prefer to just stay a little more innocent. I was watching Sex in the City today and Aidan was on it, it was with him and Carrie and the beginning of their romance, it was so funny because they hadn't had sex in like 10 days and Carrie was beginning to worry that they were going to just be friends. Then he told her that he had had sex on the first night and that he was still single. So clearly that didn't work, then he said he'd rather care about the person he was going to have sex with. How sweet is that? I think sweetness and romance like that is hot. Not enough guys do it though. Probably because society and most women give off the impression that the whole bad boy asshole thing is hot. But really... what's hot about being used? Or sleeping with a guy and being the 100th person on his list?

Well, actually, it's not even society and women giving off the impression. It's that most guys are sweet at first. Then some girl takes their heart and stomps on it and they never want to have to go through that again. I guess it's just a vicious cycle.

I wish life were like a movie...

2004-10-19T00:49:00.000-05:00

I'm really good at predicting movies, I always know what comes next. Ask Lindsay (my roomie) it must bug the hell out of her. But life's not like the movies so I don't get to know what comes next. I don't even know what's going on right now. I don't even really know me.

What do I like? What do I believe in? I have a vague idea... but I really don't have any pastimes. My beliefs stem from my parents, though I do form a lot of my own. Somebody recently asked what I do, not for a living, but in my free time. It's not that I don't have any free time, because I do, well really I should be studying, but I find time to sit and do nothing. Why don't I have any hobbies? Sure I like crafts, but why isn't there something that I excel in. There's not even a certain subject in school I'm really good at. Which is why I want to teach elementary school, so I get to teach a taste of everything. In my free time I don't do anything substantial. I shop, bake, play games, watch t.v, talk to friends. But I don't do anything like sports, or anything like that. I used to take ballet... but well, my grade 2 I felt I didn't fit in for whatever reason. I used to sing... but that also stopped because I left Appleby.

I really never EVER thought that I would say this... but Appleby was a good thing. I never EVER wanted to hear those words come out of my mouth. But there were aspects, just aspects, of Appleby that did improve me. Appleby forced you to be active and pursue your interests. I can't say that of anywhere else. I mean look at the 3 years of highschool I put in there, I was on a softball team, in three different choirs, in performances, worked backstage on a play, was in some plays, was in some club called CAGIS, volunteered at public schools, tutored, and some stuff I can't even think of. That doesn't even include grade 7 and 8. Plus... add a pretty heavy courseload onto that, we took around 9 or 10 courses a year.

Now look at me. It's not like I sit on my ass and do nothing, I'm involved. But I feel so isolated. At night I sit here and think and for some reason I can't stop feeling so alone. Alone and depressed. I don't really understand because I have amazing days with friends and other stuff. It's nights like these where I call friends crying or e-mail them asking for help. I don't even know why I say I need it. Maybe I just crave the attention. But I get attention. Everything is so scattered and random. I wish I could figure it all out, but it feels like my brain has been scrammbled.

Come to think of it actually, I was pretty depressed... I've been pretty depressed. Well, depressed is a really stong word. But there's been something. Night time has always made me cry. I'm not talking every night, but a lot of the time it does. I'm usually a-ok during the day! It's like some nights I just want to cry. I remember when I was dating Landon I used to pick fights with him just to cry. Well, not just to cry, but for some reason, like I wanted to feel bad for something. Nowadays I don't need to pick fights with anyone, I can just channel other problems. I wish I could figure it out though, why I feel this way and why I want to cry at night. Maybe it's just to let it all out.

Night sucks, it's so wierd. Sometimes crying helps me get to sleep, it just does. Other times I just don't want to sleep because I'm scared I'll think and then cry. How fucked up?! I'm definetly wierd. That or just a growing girl with wacko hormones who doesn't know how to control them. I think i'd rather be the latter. Although, I wouldn't be nearly as fun if I wasn't a little weird. Just so long as I don't scare anyone. I've never really thought of myself as depressed. Hm, the obvious response would probably be because I'm not. But well sometimes people give me the impression that I am. Or that something is wrong.

My first boyfriend ever broke up with me because I was always contradicting him. Ahh, good old grade 9. I find I contradict lots of stuff, including myself. I think it's because I just don't know where I stand with things. Sometimes I think I've figured it all out and I have a clear mind. Then 2 minutes later I'm thinking everything through again and contradicting everything that pops into my head. Like I'll convince myself that I'm depressed and need a shrink, then I'll convince myself its normal and that I totally don't need to see anyone. Then, I'll be depressed again.

Okay. Now I just sound like a wacko.

Maybe posting all my random thoughts on here isn't such a good idea.

So. It's 2:15am. I'm sitting here listening to Norah Jones typing my feelings, pining over a guy that doesn't know I exist. I've been crying, yet still manage to look incredibly cute in my undies and t-shirt. If this were a movie...

...the guy would be throwing stones at my window asking me to go for a walk. On this walk we'd have amazing conversation and then end the night with an amazing kiss.

OR...

... Norah Jones would keep playing in the background and he'd magically get into my apartment and knock on my bedroom door. Then come in and confess his deep feelings for me (then all of the sudden you'd realise that I was just sitting in candle light) and we'd have an amazing kiss and well, we are in my bedroom ;)

- Except it's a movie so none of this seems half as cheesy as it does written down.

But, life's not like a movie, so I'm just gonna climb into bed and dream some sweet dreams.

2004-10-16T17:00:00.000-05:00

So. I don't know where to start with this one, but I'm just going to go for it anyway. Not sure how.
Actually.
I'm just going to spit it out in a sentence or so.
I'm sick of assholes. I don't want to be a freaking object anymore. I want a guy to get to know me, not my body. I would really enjoy having a conversation with a guy without him staring at my chest.
Fuck. Just a little respect would be nice. Haven't had that in a while.

Passion

2004-10-05T23:01:00.000-05:00

This morning I actually woke up for my 9am class, it was impressive. Afterwards I even walked home! It only took about an hour and a bit. Anyhow. I had Biology for elementary school teachers this morning. I really do enjoy the class. In fact, I kind of like biology. No, maybe I don't, I just have a teacher who is incredibly passionate about what he does and it makes the course so much more enjoyable.
Passion... a strong emotion, having a lot of enthusiasm for something. There really doesn't seem to be enough of it today. But no matter who has it or what it's directed to it makes things so much more interesting. Take my biology prof. Today we were discussing how earth came to be. He ended up going off on a tangent about conservation biology and how he has to teach a course but he thinks it's ridiciolous because people are all oh save the whales even though they've only been around for a fraction of the time other life's been around for, species die and new ones come it's the way it goes. (He said it a lot better than I ever could mind you!) It was one of the most interesting lectures I've ever heard. Not because I found the content so inviting but because my prof cared so much about what he was talking about, there was so much umph behind him. I usually take notes in my classes but I found myself just watching and listening him, I couldn't take my eyes off him, he's was just so into it. It's captivating.
On the opposite side of the spectrum there's my con-ed prof. He's horrible. What was Queen's thinking sending him to be their spokesperson? He has to be the most boring person I've ever heard speak. He doesn't have passion about the subject and his voice is so monotone. It's mind numbing. In my opinion he's had tons of amazing experiences, he's taught schools, been a princple, been a super, taught at Universities. You'd think he'd care a little bit about what he was doing. But as far as I know he's just done it for the sake of it. He has never once made me think... "okay this is why I want to be a teacher," In fact he has me wondering if that's what I even want!! Not if I'm going to be as boring as him. I'd rather be a biologist.

First Kiss

2004-10-03T02:42:00.000-05:00

Last night Linds and I went on a long walk and we started talking about all the first kisses that we've experienced. Some good, some bad, some heartstoppers. My little sister had her first kiss last night!! I think she'll kill me because I'm telling the whole world but I'm just so happy for her. She deserves it! She's 16, so cute! Anyway she made out with a guy who she likes, they were both a little intoxicated though so she wasn't sure if it meant anything to him. Well, he e-mailed the day after and told her he liked her so it's all good. I can't wait to see what happens next! I remember those days, I talk about them like they're over. It just seems so different now. You don't even really have to like a guy to kiss him, you just have to be in the right mood. As Linds and I discussed last night, it's SO much better when there are feelings involve. It just ups the passion.

I remember my first kiss, it was grade 9 and I was on a field trip in Sudbury. It really wasn't anything special, and it was crazy because all the other kids and teachers knew about it. But it was cute and I still remember it. We were in a stair well, everyone else was taking the elevators and they were so crowded so we decided just to walk. I guess we knew it would happen! Other than that there are only a couple of kisses that really stand out in my mind. I would say they were comparable to Ross and Rachel's first kiss. The hands and the built up passion, ya that. Gosh it was amazing. If I hadn't been sitting down it would have been a definite foot pop! It's weird to think that I think that the kiss was so amazing and the other person might not even remember it happening. There's another kiss I think I'll always remember and that's because such a big deal was made out of it. Apparently me just standing there was me asking for a kiss. I wasn't aware that that's all it took!

I love that moment. You know, when you're really close to someone you like and all you have to do is look at them in a certain way, or tilt your head to a certain angle and then bam! It happens. The anticipation of that is so amazing. Come to think of it that's got to be so much more fulfilling than getting drunk and making out with the first person you see.

Did you ever think you were in love? Then totally realise you weren't? I just remember in grade 9 saying I love you to guys, it was so fast. Such bull shit. Really I think anytime I've actually said I love you I've meant I like you a lot. In grade 9 I totally thought I was in love with this one guy, then I met someone else and totally fell in love with them, and then again, and again. Each time the feeling got stronger and I wondered how I could have thought I was in love with the previous person when the next one was so much more wonderful. I just wonder if life is ever actually like the movies. That you meet "the one" and you just know. Or I would totally love it if I fell in love with my bestfriend, like Chandler and Monica. (I am totally living through Friends lately). Imagine being in love with the person who knows you best and you could talk about anything with. That would be perfect. Right now my only problem is that my bestfriends are girls. Not really my thing!

You know, "Love is actually all around"

Everything is golden

2004-09-30T23:18:00.000-05:00

It's so easy to just sink into the feeling sorry for yourself vibe. It's so common, especially for me anytime something doesn't feel right I think about how crappy things are. Sure, things are crappy, life's not perfect...but if I didn't have to deal with all this crap I wouldn't be the person who I am now. And I think I like who I am. I'm not going to lie about stuff, ya, there are crappy, crappy aspects, but there is SO much I have to be greatful for. I've got to learn to look past it, even look past people's flaws. So I'm going to focus on me for a second, I would say I'm pretty accomplished, not compared to some people, but for me I'm proud of what I've done.

I was in a choir for 5 years, I even went to Europe on a tour. I've sung in ISMF numerous times, sung in Roy Thomas Hall. I'm qualified to be a swimming instructor, and I've taught in pools and lakes. I have my NLS, I've lifegaurded regatta's, public swims, pool parties. I've been on a softball team and tennis team (though I totally sucked on both). I got into University without the back up of a private school, then I got into an AMAZING program. I'm going to be doing placements in public schools within the next 2 months. I found an amazing roomate and awesome apartment. I survived my first year of University. I'm pretty accomplished. I think so anyway. So why do I waste time sulking over the fact that a guy didn't like me for me? Or that my mother thinks I'm fat? It's so stupid, I should just let myself live.

There is SO much more that I want to accomplish. I want to be a teacher, then a principle at some point. I want to go to Europe again, I want to go to Mexico and Australia. I want to have kids and a house. I want to buy my dad land. I want to be happy. I don't want to sulk over crappy stuff. I want to remember how lucky I am and just smile instead of frown. My parents presented me with so many opportunities to excel and turn myself into what I've become and I don't want to let them down. Not even just for them though, for me. All the times that they yelled at me or pushed me was because they care. Mom signing me up for Bronze Cross was a great thing, otherwise I would have never made it to being a swimming instructor - something that has given me such a sense of fulfillment.

So, instead of crying over the fact that I don't have a guy who likes me or who I can like, or sulking over the fact that a friend is mad at me, I'm just going to suck it up and study. So far life has been good, but if I don't do all the right prep work right now it might not stay that way. I'd really like it to. Afteral, fundementals are the building blocks of fun ;)

2004-09-27T09:49:00.000-05:00

It seems that everytime I write something it seems sad or depressing, kind of wierd because I'm not a sad or depressed person. I've had my share of ups and downs, but who hasn't. So I'm going to try and be a little more upbeat instead of bitching about something that's on my mind.
I've got a great apartment, it's so cute, definetly girly. Linds (my roomie) and I plan on having a Thanksgiving dinner, it'll be fun. Our apartment is pretty girly, we usually have fresh baked goodies and our kitchen completely matches. We've got a great location, only a 15 minute walk to downtown and we're right on both Trent bus routes. Seems that all my friends live with a 10 minute walking distance and that's super. I dunno, I just love it, it's an awesome place!

So this weekend I went home. Dad converted from an Anglican to a Catholic and it was imperative that I be there for him. I left here on Thursday afternoon and spent a night with K and her friends in Toronto. We went out for food and within that 30 minute span of time I saw two people who I used to know, it was kind of crazy. Anyhow, we drank a little and just had a good time. We ended up sharing her tiny, res bed... I became very close with the wall! It was great. Next day we went out for lunch and met with Heather for a bit! It was good to see her, even if it was only for about an hour. Got home and my brother bitched at me for not calling him when I was in Toronto, apparently I was 10 minutes away from him, and apparently he cared!
Friday night I saw Landon, we just watched a movie, nothing super special. Saturday was my Dad's big day! His b-day is also next weekend but I'm not going to be able to make it home then so I gave him his present then. I bought him a shovel, he needed a new one for the cottage. Anyhow, my Aunts and Uncles and my family all went to Church. After my mom gave my uncle the finger!!! It was amazing. He didn't see it because it was over the phone, but Madds and I sure did!

Dinner with the family was really nice. My aunt was drunk and there's a hilarious story that goes along with that. She basically called Monique Nicole. Then when we said that wasn't her name she was like, oh I've had a glass of wine. Then pointed at Monique and practically yelled "I know you." You kind of had to be there. After my family dinner I hung out at the Sami's with Mike, we watched some old school hockey and the end of Castaway. It was good to see him!!

Okay, i think that was really boring, maybe I should stick to just writing when I'm sad. Maybe it's all boring? Oh well, it's therapeutic for me to write, it's like a journal. Actually according to Cosmo journals are out and blogging is in!!

All By Myself

2004-09-26T00:39:00.000-05:00

Okay, to start off so I don't end up offending my friends... I know I'm not actually alone, so don't take that this way.

I feel so alone, I hang out with people every day and I'm constantly meeting new people. But when it comes down to it I'm not sure I've ever felt so alone. I think it has to do with the fact that for once, pretty much since grade 9.. I'm single. I'm just not used to it, not used to not having that one person who's gonna care if you've had a crappy night or whatever. I know my friends are out there but it's just not the same. There's no one to have hug me and just forget about it. Sure, there are people who would fool around with me to help me forget about it. BUT I'M SO SICK OF IT ALL. When's it gonna stop? When is stuff going to not be about sex, because I think I'm seriously about to have a break down. I've totally shut off from anything sex related. I freak out and don't want to do it and if I push myself I end up feeling horrible and like I'm nothing. I met a nice guy, except.. well he had the wrong impression about stuff, my bad, whatever, figured I could hook up with him anyway... but nope, couldn't do it. I completely bailed. I can't put myself in the position where I'm just gonna be a sex toy they can call up and have a good time with. It's too degrading, I feel so worthless.

I think that's what makes me feel alone... the sex with a person who doesn't care about you in that way. This sounds incredibly corny, but whatever, I was raised to not have sex until marriage, I'll be honest that didn't happen. I was watching 7th Heaven the other day (don't laugh or ask...) and well, basically the Dad was having a sex talk with Simon and he said something along the lines of "Maybe you're not suppose to have sex until marriage because it's too complicated." To me that makes sense, I'm not saying I regret it, but it would be a lie to say it's not complicated. I'm not sure I agree, but I think it's an interesting way of looking at it.

This is scattered and random, but I don't think I would have been able to sleep if I didn't get it all off my chest. It's just rants, so really it's not a biggie...

Come away with me

2004-09-15T10:25:00.001-05:00

Norah Jonesing is the new term of the day. Basically it means jonesing after someone, with a twist. It's more like craving a relationship, but the sweet and romatic kind. So if you day dream about a guy sweeping you off your feet, then you're Norah Jonesing. I myself have fallen victim to this recently. It can be quite distracting and incredibly frustrating. Everywhere I look there seems to be couples or romance and I've had enough of it. I turn on the t.v and there's Rory and Dean all in love with each other, I change the channel and it's Nathan and Haley. (Gilmore Girls and One Tree Hill are usually after each other, but give me a break). My roomate is into Friends a lot so we were watching the 2nd season, the one where Ross and Rachel finally get together. That kiss! MY GOD. It's enough to drive me insane. Thankfully I'm not alone in my state of Norah Jonesing, I do have a few companions and I can always turn on Sex and the City to find a few more. {seems my whole life revolves around t.v. but that's not true...}
I'm not even sure if I'm ready for a Norah Jones relationship, I'm not sure I could take the romance, but it's something I've been craving and wouldn't mind trying. Problem is, I don't think there are many guys in search of a similar style relationship. In University, or at this age it seems to be about one thing mainly. Sex. Ive got no problem with that, but how much can you really take? How many relationships have to be focused on sex before you can get an actual one? And how much sex is enough for the actual relationship to stay a float? Some have told me that they think sex 3 times a day at this age is a good average. Personally I find that a little crazy, but maybe if I was Norah Jonesing after someone that wouldn't be.
Where do you draw the line, how much much sex do you have to have before you can get a real relationship? And once in that relationship how much sex do you have to have?

Come away with me

2004-09-15T10:25:00.000-05:00

Enough is enough

2004-09-06T23:36:00.000-05:00

Protecting people can get very, very tiring. How do those over protective parents handle it? It seems some people are so concerned about other people getting hurt they never seem to realise the toll it takes on them. When does that become too much and end up destroying you?

People want to protect the people they care about, it makes sense, it's an instinct. You don't want to see someone you love hurt, low, down in the dumps, whatever. For the sensitive types when seeing this they themselves become down in the dumps. When is enough enough?

I'm pretty sensitive, I hate hurting people I care about and I hate seeing the people I care about in crappy situations. I don't like it, what can I say. But when do I draw the line? I can't stand around and feel for all the people in my life suffering, that takes such a toll on me. I end up staying in crappy relationships because I can't bare to see someone upset over a break up, I end up lending my money to my dad because I know he needs it. So, now that I've recognised this, how do I stop it? How do I just say enough is enough, fight your own battles and I'll fight mine?

biggest heartache

2004-09-03T00:19:00.000-05:00

My heart is aching right now. It's not for "the" man in my life right now, seeing as there isn't one. But it's for the two men in my life who mean the world to me. In case you don't know that's my brother and my daddy. It's 1"20 both of them are still at work working hard and that kills me. I can't bear to see what they have to compromise just to get by. It's not fair.
My dad's the most generous and wonderful person I know, granted he has his issues, but we all do. It hurts so much because I haven't seen him happy in years. There have been moments but it's not like it used to be. His smiles are forced, his laughter is weaker, he's just not the same. It's all because he's so stressed, just trying to get by and support his wife and kids. I'm not even exaggerating. Not in the least. He's so miserable doing what he does and I just wish that he didn't have to do it. I wish he could live in the middle of the wilderness in a shack because that's what would truely make him happy.
Mom is at the cottage with Maddie... Mike's working at the office with daddy, I feel like I'm going to throw up or pass out (can't really decide). This is when I want to be loved, when I'm completely and utterly alone. All I want is someone there to hold my hand and take me away to a safe place and I just can't find it. Doesn't matter where or who I turn to it's just an empty spot right now. It even sucks to be at home because everywhere I turn I'm taken back to a place where I once felt an amazing emotion and remembering that even tares me up. It's the feeling of hating to sleep because sleep means dreaming and dreams can hurt. It's the feeling of holding Shaggy (my stuffed animal elephant) and my unnamed bear from Laura as tight as I can to try and render some feeling of comfort. I once wrote a poem about how hard night time can be. I've never poured more emotion onto one piece of paper. Sometimes I just can't take it. I'm like a flower that opens it's pettals in the morning and then closes them again at night, only I open up at night and close in the morning. In the middle of the night everything is up for viewing and I'm as open as I'll ever be. Then the day comes and I close up, but when nighttime falls all the colors come flooding back.
I'm a little emotional, it's just a phase, in a couple of days it'll be gone and I'll read this blog and regret writing it and possibly delete it. Can't say it's never happened

I went to the bar...

2004-08-28T12:30:00.001-05:00

So, last night, I legally went and drank at a bar. It's a first for the legal part and I didn't even get carded. It was alright, I mean at first after looking around the table I thought, "My God, I'm stuck with 3 old couples". Well, it wasn't so bad, they all were drinking, and I wasn't paying. So bring it on. I actually somehow made 25$! There's an appropriate explanation for that.
The bar we went to was called Aussie Rules and it was pretty much your normal bar, apart from the entertainment which was AMAZING. It was 3 guys playing the piano. Now, when my Aunt Ruth first told me that I thought piano recital, Norah Jones, relaxing music. Don't get me wrong, I like that kind of music, but not on a saturday night while drinking. This was NOTHING like that, it was so upbeat and so fun. The guys pretty much played whatever you requested, depending how much you tipped them and they were songs everyone knew, we were all singing and screaming and dancing on chairs. It was fun, they really envovled the audience. I don't think my ears will ever be the same. They played oldies and new hits, did the hokey pokey, the drunken sailor. It was a really good time, a place that was fun with my Aunt and sister but would be 10 times more fun with a group of my friends.
It's so weird to talk to my Aunt and Uncle, they swear and are just so real. I don't get that with my parents. Yesterday our waiter wasn't the most attractive person and my Aunt was just like, wow she got hit with an ugly stick. It was the most random comment and she wasn't even that ugly. (However, ugly and stupid which is a bad combo).
So, onto me making 25$, not really a big deal, but kinda random. So my Aunt and my sister's boyfriend, Otto are fighting over who gets to pay the bill. There was a couple who left before and left 25$ on the table so my Aunt, getting fed up with Otto wanting to pay was like "FINE, you take this," and threw it at him. He then threw it back at her and said he was paying, she threw it back at him and was like "OTTO, that wasn't the agreement," he then took the money and handed it to me, I looked it and shrugged and was like, "Ok, if no one else wants it." You don't have to tell me twice, hand me something like that and I won't complain. I did offer it to my Aunt though and apparently me keeping it settled the score.
Well, we're meeting them for breakfast soon. Yum.

My Secret Identity

2004-08-19T23:46:00.000-05:00

Someone commented on an earlier blog and it kind of made me think. They just said that at the cottage people get to slip into thier secret identity. It may sound wierd but it's SO true. I have a secret identity. It sounds crazy, it really does. But a lot of my city friends wouldn't know it. Mainly, I read. A lot. People would think it was crazy how many books I've read, well over 20. I love puzzles, I haven't done one this summer yet, but I think I'll start. I also visit old people. Okay, that's the one that just sounds wierd, but I do. I love them, I've known them forever and their so sweet. It's like having 3 extra sets of grandparents. They're all really welcoming and hey, what else is there to do up here when I'm bored. Most people in the city would probably say that they know all this about me, but it's different, hard to explain. Up here when there's nothing to do all my interests come out. I go on hikes, do puzzles, play scrabble, work on scrap books, swim, do crafts all these little things. It's where I'm the most vunerable because it's where I'm the most me. Some people don't understand it... but it's hard to just have people to my cottage, it's not like my home, if I let you here it's because I want to introduce you to who I actually am. So, for those of you who have been to my cottage on a personal level, tada, there you have it.

- this all might sound a little crazy, It's late and I'm trying to get my point across fast.

Maggie says HI.

Date from hell....

2004-08-15T22:14:00.000-05:00

So, in an attempt to try and move on I agreed to go on a date with a random guy who asked me out at work. Big, big mistake. Never, ever go out with a random like that. He wasn't the best looking, but hey, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I found out he worked at Pizza Pizza and some general stuff before our "date". The big night comes about... and it was horrible. We were going to see a show, but I ended work at 9 and the show was at 9:15, plus it wasn't really anything good. So we decide to rent a movie and go back to my house, seeing as he doesn't have one. So we rent Lord Of The Rings: Return of the King... is there a longer movie out there? My mom has to pick us up since he doesn't have a car, so we start talking as we're waiting. Turns out he's 25. 25. WOW. He doesn't look it, or act it for that matter. We get back to my cottage and put the movie on - no joke, his arm's around me before you see the title of the movie (:-P). As if that's not uncomfortable enough his hands are wandering. I've never made so many excuses before. Then he tells me he's just affectionate... apparently with random girls he doesn't know. Next he was like I hope you don't get married this year. Wtf? Cause that's going to happen... So then, here's the big one. He asks what day I have off next and I tell him, so then he tells me no to make plans. I don't say anything. A few minutes later he says he's going to get a motel room, I told him not bother and he said he was into romance and that whole deal. Hm, that or just drugging and raping young girls. Either way, I now have lots and lots of plans for my days off. They'll be none of that. So of course the movie is still going because it's so bloody long and I'm sitting there thinking of ways to make it go faster. He needed a place to crash but told me he assumed my mom would flip. I told him she would. For anyone else probably not, but this guy was creepy. She kept asking if I wanted her to take him back to town. But I managed to get him there, then he asked if he could borrow 20$ until the next day. Um... ya, not so much. So I gave him a couple dollars cause he had to spend the night in Tim's... he couldn't find anywhere to crash. That was that and he leaned in for a good night kiss... *shudders*. Apparently when he saw a girl I work with the next day he said the date went excellent. I told her I never wanted to see him again.
Friday Dave and I were walking across the parking lot from Subway to Tims when I saw him going to Subway, I flipped and hid in Tim Horton's bathroom while I waited for Dave to make sure he left. They told him I was done work for the day and he left, but I was still freaked and hid in the back of Subway while I waited. He called my house too and my mom told him I was out late and not to call back. It was great when Barbara came in the back and was like, "he was here again, he's kind of stalking you, eh?" THANKS HUN. He's not really though, I'm pretty sure he gets the hint. But that's the jest of my date from hell. It was horrible. He was nice enough, but just really really not my type. Apparently it's unbelievable then I'm going into Psychology and I haven't tried a mind-altering drug. According to him one can't fully understand how amazing the mind is unless they try one.... I maintain that if he opened a book and read... he'd find the mind pretty fascinating.

Apart from that my weekend was awesome, D was up friday night and Mike was up Friday and Saturday. Alicia, Maggie, D, Mike and I all chilled until 4 on saturday morning, great when Ali and I had to open the store at 7am. We were grouches. Then Saturday night Reed and Reed showed up looking for salt... for their tequilla so Mike, Mads and I went over to Adams little party. It was fun, I found another difference between Oakville and Bracebridge people. Bracebridge people are SUPER friendly, practically everyone there asked me my name, how I knew Adam and a whole bunch of questions. I knew a few of them surprisingly. Oakville people can be nice, but not the way Bracebridge people are.

After watching Princess Diaries 2 and Love Actually this weekend, I've decided I want a Prince Charming. I told Maggie and she said she loves me. Lol, I'm sure I'll find it when I'm ready, but I'm impatient. I like the feeling of a crush and all that good stuff. I know before I can find it I've got to be happy with me and all that stuff, but it's all just baloney. The girls at work and I hate the song "Accidently in Love". It's so overplayed up here. I think that's the way that love tends to happen though, when you completely least expect it and you're not looking for it, it'll come. Good thing it does't come when you're trying - other wise I might be stuck with that guy *shudders*.

Dave and Mike got sick of listening to me, Ali and Maggie talk about Subway so they tried to make us go for 5 minutes without any talk of it. After they started it was completely silence. We didn't even last the 5 minutes. SO pathetic. I told our boss and she just shook her head. We're such losers. But I love my losers, they're the most fun ever.

Best quote of the weekend, said complelty randomly:

"I've kissed a girl. With tongue" - Mags

Bracebridge VS Oakville...

2004-08-12T20:08:00.000-05:00

I suppose it's actually a little difficult to compare the 2, they're different sizes and have completely different economies but the way that those 2 aspects effect the people is incredible.
My Oakville friends are a lot different than the people who I know in Bracebridge. First there's the physical, or stuff you'd get from a first impression. I've been having trouble putting this into words, so I decided to just list it:

People here tend to swear very openly, not so much in Oakville.
People here tend to say things like "thar" and "yous", again.. not so much in Oakville.
People here tend to have the "I'm tough shit" attitude down, Oakville has one, but it's different.
Seeing a teen pregnant or with a kid happens quite often in Bracebridge, I've only rarely seen it in Oakville.

The first 3 really have a bit to do with class, it sounds kind of wrong but it's due to the lack of money in Bracebridge and the copius amounts of money in Oakville. The last however I would say is due more to the size of the towns and what there is to do. Oakville can be boring, yes, however, there's a lot more to do than up here. People tend to just have sex when they get bored. I've learned the word movie is actually code for "let's fool around".

After the physical stuff there's the stuff that you tend to discover after talking to them for a while, it mainly has to do with 2 things, sex or drugs/alcohol. Once again I think this is all mainly to do with it being a small town, but it's crazy how different it is in comparison to Oakville. First off, the kids start having sex at about 13 or 14, sure in Oakville you get a few who give it up at the age. But here in Bracebridge it's not uncommon for a girl to have sex when she's 13... it's not uncommon for the guy to be 19 either. Another thing regarding sex is the whole dating thing, they don't really bother to get to know people up here, they just go straight for the kill. There are some who do that in Oakville, however they have a classier way of approaching it. They don't just randomly feel the girl up and place her hand on their crotch. At least not the guys I know. Maybe I just hang around with really innocent people in Oakville, but I'm pretty sure that's not it. Sure you'll get the drug addicts who do all the hard-core drugs. But in Bracebridge it's normal to do E or Shrooms when you're bored. A girl at work was telling me how she and her sister were bored and decided to do shrooms. A guy I just met started telling me about how he does E. When I said I'd never done it he looked at me and said it was rare for him to meet someone who hadn't.

I'm not sure if I'm just sheltered in Oakville and don't know about all the drugs that go around or what. But the way that I see it, Bracebridge is a small town with not much to do other than have sex and do drugs. Oakville is a bigger town, with more money and still not much to do.

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not insulting either lifestyle, I have good friends in both, I'm just looking at it from a sociological angle, that's all.

A Whole New Chapter...

Change

And so it is

I'm backkk :)

All you need is love

ewwwwwwwwwwww

The worst part

The best part of breaking up is getting back your stuff.

I'm in awe :)

One down!!

I *heart* my Logans!!!

Gilmore Girls Season Finale Tonight!!!

your smile is a curve that sets everything straight!

Summer To do:

Daisies or Orchids?

Everyone Knows I'm in Over My Head

Every song ends - is that a reason not to enjoy the music?

How's it goin'?!?

Have a little faith...

Sipping on coke and rum, I'm like "so what? I'm drunk"

Thingy...

I am not mocking the pro con list! I actually think the list will come out in my favor!

YAY

"Tears and fears and feeling proud"

Damnit.

Stupid!!!

Pictures!!

"Knock me down till we see eye to eye"

It's the freakin' weekend baby I'm about to have me some fun

Phew

Back in Peterborough :(

Last day

Find comfort in pain

Yay!!

hugs

entertaining myself ;)

Through the dark there is light

All smiles :)

flashback...

Been a while!

Summer so far...

AHHH

He's just not that into you!

You always know the perfect things to say

What a wonderful world!

I will feel a glow just thinking of you...

I don't get it...

Weekend...

Firefighters, mmm mmm!

okay

24 days...

What the f***?

Just killing time...

YAY!

Ohhh boy

I've figured it out!

:) :) :) :) :) :)

My Weekend...

Why can't you have it all?!

I *heart* my daddy

*Sigh* Happy Valentine's Day

Fucking Appleby and those spoiled kids.

"I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly"

Make over my life

Last night

"Why, why do you always kick me when I'm high"

Unfaithful

Flashbacks

Growing Up

If you want the rainbow you have to put up with a little rain!

In a world where you can be anything... just be yourself!

One Year, Six Months Ago

Something special

Happy New Year!!

69% Baby!!

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

On a different note

Why do we always seem to want what we can't have?

Who gets to suffer?

Risk?

I heart my Logans!!!

I heart my daddy

Sigh Happy Valentine's Day