biggest heartache

My heart is aching right now. It's not for "the" man in my life right now, seeing as there isn't one. But it's for the two men in my life who mean the world to me. In case you don't know that's my brother and my daddy. It's 1"20 both of them are still at work working hard and that kills me. I can't bear to see what they have to compromise just to get by. It's not fair.
My dad's the most generous and wonderful person I know, granted he has his issues, but we all do. It hurts so much because I haven't seen him happy in years. There have been moments but it's not like it used to be. His smiles are forced, his laughter is weaker, he's just not the same. It's all because he's so stressed, just trying to get by and support his wife and kids. I'm not even exaggerating. Not in the least. He's so miserable doing what he does and I just wish that he didn't have to do it. I wish he could live in the middle of the wilderness in a shack because that's what would truely make him happy.
Mom is at the cottage with Maddie... Mike's working at the office with daddy, I feel like I'm going to throw up or pass out (can't really decide). This is when I want to be loved, when I'm completely and utterly alone. All I want is someone there to hold my hand and take me away to a safe place and I just can't find it. Doesn't matter where or who I turn to it's just an empty spot right now. It even sucks to be at home because everywhere I turn I'm taken back to a place where I once felt an amazing emotion and remembering that even tares me up. It's the feeling of hating to sleep because sleep means dreaming and dreams can hurt. It's the feeling of holding Shaggy (my stuffed animal elephant) and my unnamed bear from Laura as tight as I can to try and render some feeling of comfort. I once wrote a poem about how hard night time can be. I've never poured more emotion onto one piece of paper. Sometimes I just can't take it. I'm like a flower that opens it's pettals in the morning and then closes them again at night, only I open up at night and close in the morning. In the middle of the night everything is up for viewing and I'm as open as I'll ever be. Then the day comes and I close up, but when nighttime falls all the colors come flooding back.
I'm a little emotional, it's just a phase, in a couple of days it'll be gone and I'll read this blog and regret writing it and possibly delete it. Can't say it's never happened