All By Myself

Okay, to start off so I don't end up offending my friends... I know I'm not actually alone, so don't take that this way.

I feel so alone, I hang out with people every day and I'm constantly meeting new people. But when it comes down to it I'm not sure I've ever felt so alone. I think it has to do with the fact that for once, pretty much since grade 9.. I'm single. I'm just not used to it, not used to not having that one person who's gonna care if you've had a crappy night or whatever. I know my friends are out there but it's just not the same. There's no one to have hug me and just forget about it. Sure, there are people who would fool around with me to help me forget about it. BUT I'M SO SICK OF IT ALL. When's it gonna stop? When is stuff going to not be about sex, because I think I'm seriously about to have a break down. I've totally shut off from anything sex related. I freak out and don't want to do it and if I push myself I end up feeling horrible and like I'm nothing. I met a nice guy, except.. well he had the wrong impression about stuff, my bad, whatever, figured I could hook up with him anyway... but nope, couldn't do it. I completely bailed. I can't put myself in the position where I'm just gonna be a sex toy they can call up and have a good time with. It's too degrading, I feel so worthless.

I think that's what makes me feel alone... the sex with a person who doesn't care about you in that way. This sounds incredibly corny, but whatever, I was raised to not have sex until marriage, I'll be honest that didn't happen. I was watching 7th Heaven the other day (don't laugh or ask...) and well, basically the Dad was having a sex talk with Simon and he said something along the lines of "Maybe you're not suppose to have sex until marriage because it's too complicated." To me that makes sense, I'm not saying I regret it, but it would be a lie to say it's not complicated. I'm not sure I agree, but I think it's an interesting way of looking at it.

This is scattered and random, but I don't think I would have been able to sleep if I didn't get it all off my chest. It's just rants, so really it's not a biggie...