Amazing

That reminds me of that song.... Amazed.. by Lonestar. Just something that randomly popped into my head. Afteral, I'm a random person. Apparently I use the word random a lot.
So I think that there are 2 people who actually read this :-P But I'm going to keep writing because for some reason it's therapeutic. Kind of like coloring.
Isn't life wicked? I think so... And I'm not just saying that.
I'm trying to be a happier person, see recently 2 of my very closest friends told me/agreed with me that I was a more happier person when I was dating or had a boyfriend. At first I'll admit I was pretty upset, brought to tears twice. I was going to waste time being mad then another friend told me that they didn't do anything wrong and that friends are there to tell you the truth and be honest with you. So I decided instead of investing my energy in being angry with them and further my "unhappiness" that I would convert the energy to positive energy and try to just be a happy person. I can't say much for today, it's been a bit of a write off, I had a midterm and worked out, other then that I have no idea what happened with my day. But it hasn't been really sad.
One of the girls who claimed I wasn't as happy a person when I was single told me I could call her anytime when I was crying. But see, then she'd know I was crying and I have to be happy (ie., hide from them that I cry at all :-P) Kidding. It was a very sweet jesture on her part, but I don't plan on crying again any time soon. It's just so blah.
I've been trying to figure myself out, but I really can't come up with anything. One of the things that I did come up with was something about having everything but nothing at the same time. You know, the little rich girl who has all the physical stuff you can imagine, but when it comes to emotion is just screwed up. That's not me though, first off I don't have EVERYTHING. I have a lot, but not everything. Secondly, I've been surrounded by love my whole life. My mom's always loved me and shown that she loves me, my dad has in his own ways too I guess. I have friends who love me. I just don't have a boyfriend who loves me. Which shouldn't be important, and it's not, just I guess hard after 3 years of having one.
"For the girl who have everything I give you love" I can't think of who sings that song... I think it's Nsync... like oldschool Nsync.

You know you first big burn? Relationship wise...you know the one big heartbreak that changes you forever. Or something dramatic like that? I see it in a lot of my friends, some relationship that ended and changed them a lot. I don't know if I've had mine. But I know that I caused one. I hate that I did it to. Imagine taking an incredibly sweet guy and manipulating him and using him and then changing him into a grouchy old jerk. There were other factors that aided in the grouchy old jerk. But I know that I had/have a huge effect on how he treats girls now. I don't think he's as sweet as he once was. I screwed that up for him and for other girls. What was I thinking? How could I have thrown someone's feelings around like that? It's just so horrible to look back on it. I'm not sure I like the fact that I've done that to someone but I've never had it done to me. An eye for an eye afteral. I've had my share of hurt though just not like that.

I think I've blocked most of it out because I can't remember when I put my mind to it. I've been cheated on, it didn't hurt though, I suppose at the time it did a little. But I don't feel pain looking back. I've been used. That does sting a little, maybe it's because I've never used someone, well in the same way. I don't think I've ever had my heartbroken, it's been torn though and the amount that that kills is insane. I don't think I ever want to open up like that again if that's what happens.


Have you ever had a really intense passion with someone? You know that whole look in the eyes and quiver thing? The fireworks in the kiss, all that? I'm not sure if I've had it or if I dreamt it. LOL, it's been so long that I can't remember if it actually happened or if I've made the memory to be like that. I don't really want to know, the memory is a good one, whether it happened that way or not.

This whole one night stand business. Is something wrong with me if I can't do that?!?! I haven't tried in a while, but I just don't find that it compares. Partly because I'm not comfortable. I suppose there's suppose to be a certain level of drunkness before it happens, with a lack of that it might effect the whole business. But I don't get it, cause I've had the chance and I haven't been able to follow through. I think I'd prefer to just stay a little more innocent. I was watching Sex in the City today and Aidan was on it, it was with him and Carrie and the beginning of their romance, it was so funny because they hadn't had sex in like 10 days and Carrie was beginning to worry that they were going to just be friends. Then he told her that he had had sex on the first night and that he was still single. So clearly that didn't work, then he said he'd rather care about the person he was going to have sex with. How sweet is that? I think sweetness and romance like that is hot. Not enough guys do it though. Probably because society and most women give off the impression that the whole bad boy asshole thing is hot. But really... what's hot about being used? Or sleeping with a guy and being the 100th person on his list?

Well, actually, it's not even society and women giving off the impression. It's that most guys are sweet at first. Then some girl takes their heart and stomps on it and they never want to have to go through that again. I guess it's just a vicious cycle.