69% Baby!!

So I got 69% on my seminar - it wasn't an actual speak out loud seminar because our class is too big, so basically we had to memorize it and write it down, but I got 69!! Now, most people would be like 69, whatever that's a C+ not exactly good, however... i didn't prepare for the seminar at all!! With my current sad state (which I feel is slowly diminishing) I couldn't bring myself to prepare for it. See, it was pretty easy in my opinion and I just found it a little blah! So I didn't bother, well except for making sure I understood key defintions. But I pulled of a 69%!!! Which brings me to my next point... regret.
I'm so full of regret sometimes!! Not in the way that I dwell on it, however, definately in the way that sometimes the negative thoughts do cross my mind. Now looking at how I pulled off a 69 without trying I think - god - how much better could I have done had I actually tried!! It gets to me. In highschool mostly because I didn't try all that hard - hell, at Appleby I barely tried, I handed everything in late, barely bothered studying - but I pulled off 70s - an equivelent to normal schools 60s. Then I switched schools and it was a little harder, turns out when you don't pay a tuition the grades don't magically become high when you suck! So I tried a little harder and pulled off a mid - 70. One of my classes even went from a 63 at midterms to a 74 at the final. But, if I had pushed myself, did a final proofread of some assignments really gone all out I could have pulled off high 80s - cause deep down, I'm kind of smart. My problem is just applying myself. And in all honesty ... I regret that now - I wish I was back there sometimes so I could give it my all and get into the school of my dreams (That would be the Queen's Con-ed Program, and in some ways I have partially fulfileld it because I am in the Queen's - Trent Con-ed Program). But, whatever, can't dwell on the past but I can change the future.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

Kind of, sort of. I love snow and I think it romantasizes the whole holiday so it's kind of nice. But it's just an ideal and doesn't have to happen.
I'm going to talk about something that pisses me off, I know, I know, what a topic, and I'm just going to be blunt about it cause it really ticks me off. But it's just my opinion...
So what the hell is wrong with people that they can't just say Merry Christmas. I understand that there are other holidays and faiths out there, but it is Christmas time. Some stores are trying to implement having their staff say "Happy Holidays" to the customers, meanwhile they're decorations all coincide with that of Christmas. Christmas trees, Christmas lights, wreaths, red, green, gold. If a Jewish person said Happy Hanukkah to me I wouldn't me offended, it wouldn't matter, they're celebrating Hanukka so be it. That's fine, they're celebrating their faith. So all these stores can profit from people buying Christmas gifts meanwhile they want their staff to say Happy Holidays? It's Christmas time... just say Merry Christmas. I wouldn't get offended if I was told Happy Hanukkah so why would people be offended if their told Merry Christmas. I am offended though when people say Happy Holidays. Cause I just don't like it - I don't have much of an arguement except that it's Christmas time and we all know it. Sure there are other holidays going on too... but in some ways I just want to say majority rules. I mean schools out cause of Christmas, even though they call it winter break. I dunno, I'm starting to ramble.
One more thing that ticks me off. Any of you who replace the Christ in Christmas with X. What the fuck is that? What the hell is X-mas? How can you even say you celebrate Christmas if you do that? Christmas is about the birth of Christ not about a fucking letter. People seem to get lost in the holidays and forget it but how can you replace Christ with a simple X. Why are you so lazy as to do that. Madds and I were at the grocery store the other day and almost all the bulk Christmas candy said X mas, X mas gummy trees, X mas Santas. Well shove it up your ass because I'm not supporting that crap. X mas is not a holiday, Christmas is. Have a little bit of respect. If you're going to replace Christ with an X in my opinion you shouldn't be celebrating Christmas because clearly you've forgotten the true meaning.

On a different note

So that was my mildly depressing blog - and I'll be the first to admit that I've been a midly depressed person over the past 4 months. But shit happens. I'm working on fixing my problems and well, that's the best I can say.
About my first love. He was, and is, great. But if it's meant to be it will be. I know that, he knows that, it's just hard. Life's hard though and the best we can do is deal.
I would love to post my problems on here, you know, let people know what I'm going through - but I have to respect the lives of other people. So I will, and of course I don't hold anyone responsible for my problems, I don't hold me responsible for my problems. Problems just happen and no one is really to blame. (My opinion anyway).
Recently I started therapy - not intensive therapy - just every few weeks, because I've got some family issues to work out. Something came to my attention that I was unaware of and I wanted to get it sorted out. You see, my dad's an alcoholic. Hey, the first step is admitting it. He hasn't drank it a while, but he used to heavily. So there, seems like whatever, it's a thing in the past. But it's not, and it's effected the person I am today in ways that are really unimaginable. I don't hold him responsible for it - and I know it's not my fault, he made a mistake. So there. Anyway, I've learned that alcoholism is a stress mechanism and basically my dad's only stress mechanism. Some people drink, some people eat - that's what my dad used to do. So that habit, that action of him drinking or him not drinking and being stressed has stuck with me.
Anyway, I thought for the few of you who read this, this might be interesting.
I started reading this book of Adult Children of Alcoholics, it's so dead on it's scary. One of the things that these kids do is act impulsively - now, I'm not talking oh let's go to the mall! Normal teenage impusivity. I'm talking "Oh! Let's do something completely stupid, hurt ourselves and then spend time and energy trying to fix it." If that doesn't describe a big part of me, I don't what does. Another thing the book said was that kids who have dads who are alcholics usually have mothers who are extremely tense and uptight. HM? If you know my mom you know that pretty much hits the nail right on the head.
I haven't finished the book, it's really hard and takes a lot of strenght. I mean imagine reading these made up examples and being able to go, "shit. that's my family." It's not fun.

But you know what? I'm happy.

I forget sometimes and I get carried away in my emotions. But I'm happy. Why? Because I have a family and I have friends, I have a roof over my head, I'm getting an education, cause I can feel saddness, laughter, anger, happiness. Despite my issues I've grown up in a house full of love and devotion. Why should I be sad? Dwelling on the fact that one guy out there is a jerk isn't going to make life easy.

So here's some happy news. My older sister is in love. With a man 18 years older than her and with 3 kids. And you know what, they're all coming out here for Christmas! The kids are 17, 16 and 13 and I hope really nice. Otto, the man, lol, is great, he's a gentlemen and I can't see my sister with anyone else. The story is cute, My sister didn't want to be away from us for Christmas, Otto didn't want to be away from her for Christmas, Otto's kids didn't want to be away from him for Christmas. So they're all coming here for a very Bennett Christmas! 10 people isn't too bad!!

Let me see, I can't think of anything else happy to say. Boo on me. Well it's 5 sleeps until my b-day, and I can't wait for my friends to get home from Uni so we can hang out again.

"The story is just begun, and darling what's done is done/ it's time to change and leave the past behind/ why do we know all the answers or how the story ends / so baby, let's take a chance on a happy ending / let's turn the page and stop pretending / the past can stop our heart from mending / it's time to let go cause baby you know / some things are better best forgotten."

~ time to go have some fun ~

Why do we always seem to want what we can't have?

So, apparently that's my life - striving for things I'll never get.
Take one of the many examples. I've been loving this guy for 3 and a half years, he's amazing and makes me SO happy. But he's kind of with someone else now and that kind of kills me. But I want him more than I ever did. Why? Well I think it's because I've realized how much I care about him. Although it could be because I can't have him. Twist it around, he's wanted me for so long, I was never really available - now I put myself out there and I am, and he doesn't want me anymore. Why? Cause he can have me. Afterall, what fun is a girl who will give it all.
Rejection sucks and I seem to go through strings of it at a time. Which of course makes me question and second guess everything I do. There's just one thing that I want and that is just to be loved. Is there something wrong with me that guys don't want to stick around, there all up for the good stuff and then out of here. Whatever I don't really care, want me for whatever, I'm used to it.
This guy, the one I love, I've never cried so much before. My undereyes actually sting from crying so much, they're dry. He says he loves me. But he's dating some other girl, and he wants to see what that'll bring, but he doesn't want to lose me. So we're going to be friends and I'm going to stand by him and there's this possibility that he might fall in love with her. Could that hurt anymore? He's my rock. Is that pathetic or does everyone have one? He's the one person who's been there through thick and thin. We've broken up before and he's still been there to comfort me. But now, it's like he's stabbing me and twisting the knife around. How can I possibly deal with the fact that he could be hugging, kissing and touching a girl the way he hugs, kisses and touches me. I can't bear it, and I've told him, and I've cried in front of him and he's seen how much it hurts me - but this is what he needs. What do I do? How do I deal? Do I let this happen, because I've tried to walk away - and if I do - that's it, no more, no more hope, no more talking, no more anything. So I'm suppose to cling to a hope that one day maybe he'll love me enough and trust me enough to want to be with me. But in the meantime I'm left nursing my aching heart and trying to smile through each day. So here's the moral of the story: when you have someone you love and you're going through a rough time - don't hurt them, talk it out and work on it. Don't screw with their heads don't risk someone you love for someone that you might like or might even love. Because it's not worth it. When you love someone it's this beautiful thing and screwing it up for some one night stand or some jerk who thinks he's hot shit isn't worth it.

So here I am, trying to move on from my first love. But I guess the first cut is the deepest.

So here I am still waiting for my Knight in shining armour.... one day.

Who gets to suffer?